


The Days you Wish to Forget

by pikablizzard



Category: anime - Fandom, 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Bodily Fluids, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Drowning, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Extremely Underage, Forced Prostitution, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It gets better I swear, M/M, Non-Consensual Bondage, Panic Attacks, Pedophilia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Sexual Abuse, Slightly - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage Rape/Non-con, aku doesn’t come in until later but he will be there, aku/atsu happens later, i promise there will be a good ending past all this, im so sorry atsushi, it’s worth the long wait please, takes a while to get there though, the first few chapters are rough it starts getting better after chapter 10 or smthn okay, this is just a fucked fic in general
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-04-07 09:26:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 41,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19082203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikablizzard/pseuds/pikablizzard
Summary: Atsushi has never had a normal life. His parents hated him enough to sell him off to an orphanage. This ‘orphanage’ was an illegal prostitution house. Basically, Atsushi has had a very rough childhood, every day is pain and hurt. Until he meets someone.. someone who wants to help.I am very bad at summaries so just read it haha, read the tags before you read as well!





	1. Runaway

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiii, this fic is really dark and twisted. Like, lots of twisted stuff, it will all get better though and the dark stuff won't be there as much later on. Just warning you now though.  
> (chapter names will be based off songs as well!)

 

   All Atsushi knew at his house, was screaming and getting hit, he was lucky if he even got a meal every 2 days. He only knew what a hug was from a book he read, hugs were supposed to be given to those you love. The day after he read that, he decided to try giving his mother a hug. He walked into the kitchen, which was very run down and had barely any furniture. But of course he thought that was normal, he never went to school after all.

His last memory at his home, has never left his side. When he gave his mother a hug, she turned around with the most repulsed look on her face. She slapped him and yelled,

“W-What did you just do?! Who said you were allowed to touch me, to even look at me! You are a _worthless piece of shit_ , something like you should have never been born.”

  Atsushi could feel his eyes getting warm, an all too familiar wetness rolled down his cheeks. It was the first time he cried in front of his mother. It was a mistake, Atsushi was not allowed to cry. His mother grabbed him by the hair, dragged him up the stairs, and threw him in the bathroom. She locked the door and said,

“Just you wait until your father gets home you _monster_.”

That night, Atsushi’s mind was all over the place. _Am I really that bad? Maybe she’s right... I am a monster.. I don’t deserve to be here... my mother could be happy but instead all I do is burden her… I’m so weak and pathetic…_

_thump… thump… thump…_

    The sound woke Atsushi from his thoughts. Those footsteps.. He knew them anywhere. His father’s. Atsushi started shaking, his breathing got cut short, he moved as far back to the wall as he could. But when his father whipped open the door so hard it left a mark on the wall, Atsushi froze. If looks could kill, his father would have murdered him by now. Atsushi watched as his father walked over to the tub, not bothering to speak. He filled the water up, eyeing him the whole time. Atsushi put his hands to his mouth to hopefully muffle his sobs, yet his efforts failed. His father grabbed his neck and shoved Atsushi in the water. He had no time to breathe before he felt the water go into his lungs, the burning sensation is something he can never forget. He was bent over the tub when suddenly he felt a horrid sting on his back, he knew it was from his father’s belt. The sudden pain made him gasp, choking on more water, he could feel himself going lightheaded. He doesn’t know how long he was under water, he doesn’t know when he passed out. All he remembers after being whipped, was how quiet everything got, and how for a moment he thought he was finally free from a world of pain….

 

How wrong had he been.

 

**\--------------**

     A strong smell of medicine causes Atsushi to slowly open his eyes. He has always had a good nose, but this is an overpowering smell. He blinks a few times at the unfamiliar ceiling, there is no holes or paint peeling off like in his home. It takes a minute to realize that he is in fact, not at his home and his body jolts upright. He starts eyeing his surroundings. It is a very small room, but enough space for the bed, and a cart which looks to have vials with strange liquids on it _. Probably where the smell is coming from_ , Atsushi thought to himself. There was also a collar next to him. He was too lost in his thoughts to notice the figure on a chair. The sudden sound of an impatient cough makes him realize though. Out of habit he raises his arms a bit in defense, and peeks to where the sound came from.

“I see you have finally woken up, took your time didn’t you?”

   A deep voice comes from the man. He has a weird haircut that makes him look younger than he probably is, but the intimidating aura around him can’t be missed. He wears a long white trench coat. The glare he gives Atsushi is enough to make him flinch.

“U-Um, w-where am I?”

_SLAP!_

  Atsushi doesn’t realize he has been struck across the cheek until the unknown man pulls away from him. Needless to say, he is both shocked and frightened, he does not know what he did wrong but that doesn’t stop him from apologizing.

“I-I-I am sorry, I-I won’t do it again.”

“Tsk. Do you know what you did? Do you even know proper manners?” The man sighed.

“It’s such a pain teaching them from scratch…”

Atsushi is still shaking from the slap, he does not know where he is or who this man is, but he is scared of angering him again, so he doesn’t dare speak up.

“Rule #1. You are to address me as ‘Sir’ or ‘Master’. If you are with a client, you will refer to them as they want you to. Now you messed up once and I will not tolerate you messing up again like the _failure_ that you are over such a simple rule.” The man cleared his throat and sat back in the chair, never losing eye contact with Atsushi.

“I am sure you have many questions, so I decided to forgive you this one time. Be grateful for my kindness. Anyways, I am the Headmaster of an orphanage, though we run things a bit differently, you do not need to know my name as I already told you what to call me. You have been unconscious for about 9 hours now, the bandages on your neck are from the bruising, again, be grateful I even bothered wasting bandages on someone as   _pathetic_ as you, do not make me regret it. You got left here by your father, and now you will stay here until you are of age and will be sold off. You are only 10 years old, which means the last 8 years of your childhood will be spent serving your clients, think of it as continuous practice before someone buys you. I will train you personally, I am not usually as forgiving as I am today. Now, what do you say when someone is kind to you?”

  Atsushi is too busy processing all this information that it takes a second too late before he realized he was being spoken too. _SLAP!_ Another strike across the face.. On the other cheek this time, he can still feel the sting from both hits.

“I-I-I am sorry… Sir.. T-Thank y-you for your k-kindness Sir…”

Atsushi quickly stuttered, bowing his head as he spoke, too worried of what might happen if he raised it.

“Good boy. Rule #2. Only speak when spoken too. No hesitation. Rule #3. Never make eye contact with anyone unless told to. I am going easy with your punishments since you are overwhelmed and I am in a good mood today.”

_Seriously? This is a good mood for this guy?_ Atsushi quickly discards the rude thought about the guy who cared enough to even bandage him and give him a bed. He takes the slight pause to look at his appearance… only to find.. He is wearing nothing but what looks to be women's lingerie and the bandage on his neck. Shock courses through his mind and he quickly grabs the blanket to cover himself. The tips of his ears turning red as he hides himself under the blanket. The Headmaster just watches this with a small glint in his eye.

“Hmmm I think you will be very popular with the clients indeed… Now before we start anything I need to put this collar on you. I don’t care if it is itchy or uncomfortable. Unless you want to get an electric shock sent to you, high enough to make you pass out, I would not recommend trying to take it off. If you are with a client and you disobey an order, you will get a shock, break any rule, get shocked. Be a _bad pet_. Shocked. Simple right?”

     Atsushi simply blinks at the Headmaster. His mind is running wild. _How did I even get here? Did I pass out after my father… did that? Was I that much of a burden to my parents they wanted to abandon me? Maybe then they can be happy… But will I be okay here? It doesn’t seem too bad.. Aside from the so called punishments and the scary collar.. I can handle pain at least. It seems I will have shelter for a while. It might be best to obey until I know more... But I am scared to meet one of these “clients”... just what exactly is this place?_

    The Headmaster walks over to him and clicks the collar onto his neck, not caring about the way Atsushi flinches from the contact. He locks it and attaches something to it… a leash..? Why would Atsushi need a leash? He does not know but does not dare ask. While he is wondering about this, the Headmaster walks up to the door, and when he reaches it he yanks hard on the leash, causing Atsushi to stumble and fall off the bed. He stands up after a second and goes to walk over to the Headmaster. Apparently, this was a bad move and the end of the line for “nice punishments”. The next thing he knew his head was getting smashed into the wall hard enough for him to see stars.

“You fucking brat, you think you are worthy enough to walk? You aren’t worthy enough to breathe the same air as me, yet I am so kind as to let you crawl by my feet. You have the audacity to try and walk? You are just a _worthless pet_ , nothing more than that, a _mere toy_ . Rule #4. You are not allowed to walk. At. All. Don’t even think about trying it again if you want to keep an arm. Got it, _pet_?”

    The Headmaster spat the last words out. Tears were forming in his eyes from both the pain and the Headmaster’s words. _A place that he wasn’t even allowed to walk? Was it that selfish to think he could walk? Maybe he didn’t deserve as much as he thought he did… Maybe back home his parents cared enough to let him walk.. yet they abandoned him.. He probably didn’t deserve it after all.._

“I-I am s-sorry Sir.. I understand, it won’t happen again. I don’t deserve to walk Sir…”

Atsushi choked out the words through tears. He has never had the courage to speak back even to his parents. Since he was born he was told how much of a waste of space he was. He should be glad he even has somewhere to sleep.

“Tsk. Follow me.”

     The Headmaster turned and left, leash in hand. He was not waiting for Atsushi to catch up, just yanked it so he fell on the floor again. Going on all fours he started crawling beside the Headmaster, as fast as he could on the cold cement floor. His knees would most likely get bruised, it was something he needed to get used to. Yet he felt like a dog. Embarrassment didn’t even begin to describe what he was feeling at the moment He was worried someone would see him…

Though it seemed like someone seeing him would be the least of his concerns.

 


	2. Ever so Tenderly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atsushi begins his training.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to read the tags before reading this chapter! I tried not to be too graphic for this chapter, but no promises later on. And yes this chapter was posted the day after the first, I got a bit impatient haha. The next chapter won't be up as fast as this one. Anyways! Thank you for the kudos and comments so far they are really really appreciated! < 3

 

   The hallway is long, the lights are bright, fully exposing Atsushi crawling on the ground. He doesn’t know how long they have been walking for, but he cannot ask the Headmaster. Atsushi hasn’t been told what his ‘job’ is, or what the ‘clients’ are, or anything at all for that matter. It would be a lie to say he was not scared for what’s to come.

 

_ Beep beep  _

   He looks up and sees the Headmaster unlocking a door around the corner, Atsushi didn’t even realize they went around a corner. He is then led into the room, it is bigger than the previous room, but there is only a large bed, (compared to all the beds Atsushi has seen in his life, it can definitely be called large) and a dresser that is on the opposite end. The bed is empty except for a.. Pillow? Atsushi has never used a pillow before. There is also a blanket and what appears to be woodens rods with little metal circles coming out, on each corner of the bed. There is also a small hole in the ground just out of reach from the comfiest looking piece of furniture he has ever been around. Atsushi tilts his head up in question to the Headmaster, who just sighs.

    “This is where you will sleep, eat, use the restroom, and entertain your clients. You will not leave this room unless ordered to. The hole you are looking at is where you can use the restroom, though depending on the client you might not need to use it at all. Rule #5. You are not allowed to eat, sleep, or relieve yourself without permission. Until you are ready to start getting clients though, you are allowed sleep, but only at night. When the client is in the room, they own you for as long as they are paying for, you are not allowed to disobey.”

   The Headmaster leads Atsushi to the bed and gestures for him to get on. He does so hesitantly, while the Headmaster attaches his leash to the strange metal circles on the rods. Limiting his movement to only the bed, leaving only a small area of the floor available to him. As the rule suggests, the bed is out of reach from the ‘toilet’.

   “It is obvious you are used to going days without food, so I do not have to get your body used to that. You already slept lots today, and I am not a patient person, we will start some training today. Oh I guess I haven’t explained yet. You will be training to be a prostitute. A dirty little slut to be precise. Your clients will pay a large sum of money to fuck you, and I expect good results.”

_    F-f-fuck?? Me??? He means sex.. Oh god he means sex.. I-I-I have to do that?? I have only heard about sex a few times.. I-I can’t do that! I-I don’t want this how do I get out I wanna get out I wanna leave… _

   Atsushi unconsciously backed further into the bed, pressing himself against the wall. He was shaking, his lips trembling. He couldn’t think straight, he was  _ scared _ , scared of what was gonna happen, scared of the man in front of him who looks like he is simply watching an ant run away. He cradled his head with his hands, mumbling no and looking at the Headmaster…. He already forgot the second rule. The Headmaster expected this reaction. 

“Pets aren’t easily tamed at first.” He said quietly with a sigh.

   Atsushi stared at the Headmaster in fear as he walked towards him, surprisingly calm at first. He unlocked the leash that he had just locked onto the metal rings. Quicker than Atsushi could see, he felt his hair being grabbed and his head got smashed into the ground… right beside the supposed ‘toilet’. And it was full of water, Atsushi just started sobbing. The idea of water terrified him.

“No..no please...please.. I-I-I’m sorry sir please not that..anything but that..please I-I’m sorry i’m sorry..sir...forgive me..”

   But his words did not reach the older man. His face was shoved into the ‘toilet’ with such force his head hid the edge of it. He couldn’t breathe, he was already panicking, he was remembering the last moments with his father. Underwater….he was underwater again.. His lungs were burning, he was given no mercy, the hand never leaving the back of his head. He was thrashing and choking under the nails digging into his scalp, and the water filling his mouth. Only when he started to go limp did the Headmaster yank him back out of the water, shooting him a deadly grin.

“Are you gonna behave for me like a good little boy or did you wanna have some more water?”

   The Headmaster smiled sadistically as he whispered into Atsushi’s ear, who was struggling to hear. But he kept shaking his head ‘no’, silently pleading with the man since his throat hurt too much to talk, his body to limp to do anything but move his head.

“Good pet. Do you know what good pets get?"

   Atsushi weakly blinked at him, as he felt himself get hauled onto the bed, something cold clasped around his wrists, restraining them. He also felt something scratchy being wrapped around his legs and wrists, along with the cold thing. He was flipped over so his hips were in the air, but he couldn’t move his body at all.

“Good pets receive this.”

   He felt a sharp and sudden pain on his thighs, the sting making his skin burn. He turned his head and saw the Headmaster holding what looked to be a thin stick. Atsushi could tell he just whacked him with it, his eyes widened at the realization and he tried to move his hips away slightly.

“Oh, you want more? Do you like your reward? 5 more and then I am gonna start preparing you for clients.”

   True to his word, the Headmaster struck him 5 more times in the same spot. Atsushi gasped at the pain, tears brimming his eyes yet again that day. He felt something warm trickle down his leg, worried it was blood he couldn’t bear to look down. A soft whimper escaped his lips.

“Good boy, you took that like a proper pet, now the fun part begins.”

   Atsushi, still unable to move, both restrained and too weak to do much against the healthier and stronger man, could only watch. The Headmaster grabbed a strange clear liquid and poured it onto his fingers.. He walked over to Atsushi, yanked his panties down, and without any warning, shoved a finger in Atsushi’s hole. Atsushi let out a strangled gasp.

“How does it feel?”

“It-It feels weird… my insides feel strange.. I don’t like it… sir..”

   The finger plunged deeper, wiggling around inside of him. Just as Atsushi was getting used to the feeling, a second finger went into him. A pained moan escaped him, causing Atsushi to blush.  _ I don’t like this why did I make that sound… it hurts..  _ This caused the Headmaster to smirk and he pulled his fingers out.

“See? It feels good, you need to get used to the feeling so we will be doing this every night along with some other training.”

   Atsushi squirmed in the bed, visibly uncomfortable. The Headmaster grabbed something long, thick, and bumpy. It had a weird shape, Atsushi wasn’t sure what it was but it was big and it terrified him. The Headmaster grabbed the strange object, coated it in the also strange liquid..and Atsushi knew what was coming next..

 

~~~~~

 

   It was the next morning...he thinks. He wasn’t sure, he didn’t sleep at all. Atsushi just laid in the same spot, on his stomach, on the still wet bed. He knew he let out moans and he knew his body enjoyed the unfamiliar experience. But he hated it, he was scared, he didn’t know why his body reacted the way it did. He was so confused. It lasted probably a good hour or two, the Headmaster didn’t do...that… with his own… thing. Just with the strange object, which Atsushi supposed he should be relieved by. He couldn’t exactly move at the time, his arms and legs were bound, and his hips were up in the air. The soreness spread across his entire body, at least he wasn’t bound anymore. The leash was attached again though. 

_    Is this what is gonna happen with the clients? Will I be okay….? Will I even be able to handle it? What if I don’t earn my keep? What will I do then? It’s not like I have anywhere to go, a place to call home...Here I have a bed at least, a roof to sleep under… I don’t know what I should do... _

Atsushi has this thoughts interrupted when he hears the door slide open. The Headmaster.

“It’s morning, 6am sharp, time for breakfast. First though...your reward for being a good pet last night.”

   The Headmaster walks over to him, setting down a bowl which he assumes is the breakfast, he is also holding a very sharp and very scary looking knife. Atsushi’s eyes visibly widen and he tries to move away, but his body is already in a very weak state, so his efforts don’t do much to help.

   “Good pets receive a mark from their master. You should be grateful I even bother to look at you, and now I’m offering to give you something like this. I could be doing something more useful with my time but I decided that since you did a good job last night, I was gonna reward you. Look I even brought you food, I think I am being very kind and fair right now so if you would stay still and accept your reward we won’t have any problems.”

The Headmaster gave him a soft smile, slowly walking towards Atsushi.

_    I-I did g-good? I have never been praised before..is this what it feels like? Is this how normal kids get rewards? Did my parents not care enough to praise and reward me before..? Is this...normal? I was good? I-I did something right for once? I-I wasn’t a failure… _

   Atsushi didn’t respond to the Headmaster, only hiding his face in the sheets. It’s a lie to say he wasn’t nervous, he didn’t exactly like pain...at least he thinks he doesn’t like it…

    He didn’t realize he was holding in a breath until he felt the cold knife touch his bare back. A soft gasp fell out of his lips. His eyes were squeezed shut as he felt the knife press into his skin, and in one swift but fast motion, it drew a long line down his back. His body tensed and he tried not to cry at the searing pain. It didn’t stop there, a few more slices went across his skin, some going diagonal and across, almost like they were forming a word on his back… His hands were shaking ever so slightly, he was truly trying to take this ‘reward’ as best as he could.

“Shhh, good boy, you’re doing good.”

   The Headmaster whispered in his ear, causing him to flinch, which then made the knife press deeper into his skin. His whole back was hot and he could feel the blood dripping down. He was grasping the bed sheets with his hand, denying to himself that the praise was refreshing, still very new to him.

“P-Please..that’s e-enough..”

  Atsushi mumbled into the sheets. He earned himself a strong punch to the shoulder though, that made him whimper. It really hurt…

“Who said you could talk? Tsk. You were being so good as well, your reward is over, I will leave the porridge on the floor for you.”

  The Headmaster said this as he  _ dumped  _ the bowl onto the floor. This was quite a shock to Atsushi.

_ W-Was it because i spoke..? I-I thought he wouldn’t hear me...what if he doesn’t forgive me… why did h-he dump it on the floor.. Oh god i’m such a waste of time, that’s the reason isn’t it.. I can’t do anything right.. _

“Lick it up. All of it, don’t be ungrateful and waste a single drop. You  _ absolute waste of space.” _

  The last words were spit out like venom, and Atsushi agreed with the man deep down, he was a waste of space, a failure and nothing more. So he obeyed, he had upset the older man, and he was truly sorry. He was good enough to get a reward but he already fucked it up like the failure he was. As best as Atsushi could, he stumbled off the bed and bent down to the ground. The floor was cold and tasted like dirt, but he didn’t want to waste food, it’s been so long since he ate anything. So with only one option left, he started to lick the porridge off the ground. When he tried to use his hands or even the spoon that was just barely out of reach, he got smacked straight on the rear by the Headmaster. 

   He couldn’t bear to lift his head up, and he didn’t want to. He was embarrassed and trying to hide forming tears. The tears were mostly from how pathetic he was that he couldn’t follow such a simple rule, and a bit because of this whole situation he found himself in. 

   When it seemed like Atsushi was done with breakfast, the Headmaster walked over and placed something on the bed, he then turned on his heels and left the room without giving him another glance. Atsushi weakly got up to look on the bed. It looked like a photograph, he hadn’t heard a photo being taken though. Confused, Atsushi turned the picture over and there..covered in blood, he saw himself.

With the word ‘whore’ engraved into his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn that was wild, I'm so sorry Atsushi :(  
> Remember the chapter titles are based off songs, I am bad at coming up with titles bear with me :( see you in the next chapter!  
> Also if you are here knowing the anime, I still don't know if I am going to incorporate the abilities or not just yet! We will see :3


	3. Haunted Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaah! Sorry this chapter is a bit shorter :(  
> Just a heads up (mind the tags, i will say this every chapter haha) but this chapter is where he learns how to give head, if you don't wanna read that it starts at the part "What he told him to do… " It is majority of the chapter but all these things happening to Atsushi is important for later on in the story.  
> Thank you again for the comments and kudos so far!! I really appreciate them :)

Now, at 10 years old, Atsushi wasn’t in what you would call a “normal situation”. As far as he knew, the Headmaster had all the power, more power than even his father had. When he was back with his parents, he wasn’t allowed to leave the house because “nobody should have to lay their eyes on a monster like you.” Atsushi wouldn’t want to look at a monster either, so he obeyed, though his father basically forced him to stay there regardless. This orphanage wasn’t too different, in the few days he had been there. He did not leave the room except to travel right next door to where the showers were. Atsushi was surprised to learn that he was actually  _  allowed  _ to have them, unlike his home where those were a reward for being good, and he rarely was. The Headmaster had told him that he could never shower alone, and that he was meant to shower before and after every future client. Atsushi found it strange that the shampoo was a super flowery and sweet smell, but he knew better than to mention it.

   Though he hadn’t left his room other than to shower, he had met one other person. They were called a ‘cleaner’, which meant they were the ones who cleaned up the filthy mess that was himself. After Atsushi’s first night of training, he met his cleaner. Apparently he would get a new one once he turned 15, but for now there was a young girl. She didn’t look past 20 but was older than 17, at least he thought, he couldn’t be sure since he wasn’t allowed to talk without permission. She seemed nice enough to dress his wounds so it left a “nice scar” on him. He was starting to think that scars and wounds were something nice, and something nice on him. The Headmaster has told him that good pets get a ‘mark’, or pain, anything like that. Atsushi doesn’t know what he looks like right now, there are no mirrors around, but he has surely never looked good before. Afterall his parents said he was a monster, not worthy of being looked at. Even the Headmaster says he would rather not look at something so disgusting, but the bruises, scars, and cuts apparently make him look a little more decent. It is the first time he is ever complimented on how he looks, and the feeling confuses him. Maybe his parents hit him so he would look more decent to, not simply out of pure disgust.

   Currently though, Atsushi is on his knees in front of the Headmaster who sits on the bed. He is wearing more than panties this time, he was instructed to put a plug in his hole. There is a tail attached to it. He can still feel it rub inside him and it makes him feel a little weird, the embarrassment from doing it in front of someone is still visible on his face. He is also wearing a pair of kitty ears on his head, and his collar was replaced with a tighter one that had a small bell on the front.

_ Snap! _

“Kitty, why are you distracted?”

    The Headmaster looks down at him after he snapped his fingers, a hand roughly lifted his chin up so he was looking at his current ‘Owner/Master’ in the eyes.

“S-Sorry M-Master, it won’t happen a-again.”

“Good, now it seems you need a reminder of what you are supposed to be doing. A lot of clients like the owner/pet relationship, so you need to practice being their kitty. So you will be acting as such while I help you with your gag reflex, now can you do what I told you do to earlier?”

“Y-Yes Master..”

   What he told him to do… the Headmaster had explained to Atsushi what a blowjob was before this, and how he needs to be able to deepthroat and give his throat as the client pleases. He was a bit nervous to mess up but he had to try. Slowly, Atsushi leaned towards his ‘Master’s’ pants, and started undoing the zipper and taking his member out. The larger size and strange smell made him even more scared. It wasn’t like he wanted to be doing this, but he didn’t have any other option. One glance at his Master told him that he had already waited long enough, so he wrapped one hand around the shaft and started to hesitantly lick it. The taste wasn’t pleasant and it took all the willpower he had not to visibly cringe. His shaky mouth moved towards the tip of his Master’s length and he did his best to wrap his mouth around it and go down. It was a struggle and apparently his efforts had no effect. Suddenly there were two hands wrapped around his head and his face was shoved down onto it, he gasped and gagged almost immediately at how full his throat got. Tears formed in his eyes as the hands pressed him lower on the base, he choked as he almost reached the base and he tried to move off. Yet this caused his Master to grab his hair and yank it back, off of the member for a second. Drool followed his mouth and he looked up at his Master.

“You are going to take my cock, all of it, and you are going to take it like a good fucking kitty, and maybe I will give you a reward, just maybe.”

  Atsushi didn’t have time to respond before he was shoved back onto the erection again, it was big and made his jaw hurt as his Master started to slowly but violently thrust into his mouth, grunting as he did so. Atsushi couldn’t stop the tears and they rolled down his face, only the sounds of him gagging and choking filled the room. He looked up at his Master only to see a smirk, the hands dug into his scalp and he was pushed even further onto it. Tickly hair and a pungent smell his hit nose. The length filled his throat and he was surprised he didn’t vomit already, the feeling was so weird and he couldn’t breathe. He was desperately trying to take it as best he could but he was choking and gasping for air as his face hit the base. He just barely heard the words, 

“Relax your throat, i’ll be done soon, you’re going to drink everything and not waste a single drop, you better be grateful I am giving you such a treat.”

_   Atsushi was confused on how he felt, his throat was being thrust into like nothing but a mere fuck toy, his Master surely had better things to do, but he was with him right now.. maybe he should be grateful? But he was also scared and he didn’t want this and it hurts… his feelings were confusing and scary… _

   The feeling of the erection pulsating in his mouth made his eyes go wide, it suddenly got bigger in his mouth, causing him to gag even more. He heard a final deep grunt before a liquid shot down the back of his throat, he was forced to swallow it if he wanted to try and breathe. The taste was bitter and sour at the same time, it was thick and warm and he didn’t like it but he couldn’t spit it out. The length was still in his mouth and it wasn’t moving out. Atsushi was crying at this point, tears uncontrollable, his hands were grasped on his Master’s hips and he looked up at him through a blurry vision.

“Good kitty you took that well... sort of. You will have lots of time to get better at it and you will soon enjoy it. I hope you appreciated my milk, kitty, that will be your dinner.~ Now just stay there for a bit longer, you need to learn to be a cock warmer one day as well. My my, so many things to teach you.”

   The Headma- no, he is his Master right now. His Master was stroking his hair, making sure Atsushi didn’t move off his member at all. And Atsushi was sure he swallowed just about every drop of the man’s juices, the fact that those juices were his dinner also worried him. Did he have to get used to this more? Was he gonna have to drink the client’s juice too..?

   Atsushi couldn’t exactly move as the hands were still on his head and his mouth was currently full, his vision was blurry and his throat was so sore… He wondered how long he needed to get used to this, he doesn’t even know how long his sessions with clients will have to be. Atsushi wasn’t holding himself up anymore, he was weakly shaking on the ground. Only upright because of his Master gripping onto him.

“Your gag reflex was better than I expected, which means it won’t be too hard to get you used to it! Oh being a cock warmer, this is your life now you little bitch.”

   His Master spat the last words out and roughly threw his head onto the ground. Atsushi coughed and wheezed a bit, inhaling as much air as he could. He wasn’t sure if he could use his voice very well after this.

_    But what did he mean? Surely I’m not just going to be a cock warmer… he mentioned other things I have to do.. Am I really just a pet now? A disgusting excuse for one.. There has to be better options than me? It doesn’t help that I have nowhere to go anymore… this is my hom- no. This isn’t my home but this is all I have right now. _

“I will come back later when I feel like it, training is going surprisingly well, you will be able to receive clients in a few months I think, just to be safe. You’re allowed to sleep only after the cleaner comes to visit, got it? And what do you say after I treated you to this?”

_ What does he say? Is he supposed to thank him…? _

“U-Uh, t-thank you m-master..”

_ Slap! _

“Thank you for  _ what,  _ my pet?

Atsushi rubbed his face weakly, guilt spreading on his face as he managed to already mess up. His voice was hoarse.

“T-Thank you f-for giving me y-your cock.. M-Master..”

   The Headmaster smiled, not addressing how the boy was still calling him ‘Master’, and he turned to leave the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will probably be a bit of a time jump in the next chapter, and it will be a bit more :( for him.  
> Thanks for reading so far! <33  
> I don't have an update schedule I just update whenever I finish writing haha, and its the summer so it works :P


	4. Overwhelming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atsushi gets his first client

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a bit of self harm in this chapter, but I didn't write in detail, just a heads up.  
> I am so sorry for this, poor atsushi :( he gets his first client, I am sure I do not need to warn you further. I promise all these dark scenes are important for the story later on. I figured his first client will stick with Atsushi more than his other ones, like the whole memory and experience, so here you go :')

**6 months later**

 

Atsushi has been here for 6 months now, he has learnt to not talk. He can barely remember the last time he spoke of his own free will, it took awhile but after many punishments, he shut up. When he first arrived, the Headmaster mentioned how he would get an electric shock when he disobeyed, the fact slipped his mind until he experienced it for the first time. He passed out but he could never forget the pain that coursed through him. The numbness lasted a while and Atsushi became even more terrified to speak, or break any of the rules for that matter. Atsushi has learnt not to say no, the word itself holds no meaning in this place. He has got used to wearing the bare minimum of clothes, he is grateful he at least has something to cover his privates with all day. The Headmaster gives him no breaks with training, his hole got prepped and stretched too many times to count, there were weird toys getting shoved in. Sometimes he had to wear the plug with the tail, with the ears and choker, and be a cat. Atsushi was starting to wonder if he was even human anymore? He certainly was treated like nothing more than a pet, he even had to act like one for days on end. 

   The Headmaster also intensely trained him to learn how to please a client, what he should say and do. His body is much more sensitive than before he arrived. He has been trained to not speak during a session except if the client wants, of course. Everything he needs to know for a client, he has been taught, and still is being taught every day. Receiving pleasure from pain was a huge thing as well. Even if Atsushi doesn’t like the pain sometimes, his body still reacts to it.

   The first 2 months of Atsushi being at the orphanage, he only left his room to shower. Only the cleaner and Headmaster came to his room. It might have been because he didn’t earn the right to leave yet, but after 2 months, he finally left. Though he was still made to crawl and kneel beside the Headmaster, he was allowed out. The destination being the Headmaster’s office. Apparently he enjoyed Atsushi being his cock warmer, using it as an excuse to ‘build his tolerance’. The most Atsushi has gotten to was 2 hours, on his knees, not moving at all, just being a cock warmer. It was not a very pleasant thing, to be so limited in your movements while having your mouth stuffed. But Atsushi knew better than to voice his thoughts, the button to give him a shock always just one click away.

   The most common punishment for him, was being drowned. His extreme fear of water made a good point, that Atsushi no longer had freedom or rights, and he was stupid for trying to think he did. When the 5 month mark hit, Atsushi received his first ‘hug’. Which was being whipped mercilessly for a so called ‘reward’. Now, he wasn’t quite sure that a hug was being whipped until he bled, but the Headmaster said it was, and it wasn’t like Atsushi had ever been hugged before, how could he know? So, as you can imagine, he was starting to become a canvas for injuries. He already had two rather large and nasty burn marks on his torso from when his parents got angry at him for trying to leave the house. Now he had the word ‘whore’ engraved on his back, for everyone to see, a constant reminder of the place he is in. Even though he can’t see it himself, he can feel the bump where the scar is. There are also self inflicted cuts on both of his inner arms. Why? Because whenever he hears a “good job”, he is meant to harm himself. Apparently quite a lot of people enjoy young boys harming themself as a reward, a thank you. When Atsushi does it to himself, it is because he is pathetic and worthless, he honestly just wants to escape, to leave. To die even… But at the same time, he is grateful he is needed somewhere, he can handle pain if it means getting praised or looked at like he is more than a piece of trash. The feeling of being loved is so foreign to Atsushi, he knows he will never be good enough to experience it. So this is the best option for him. His feelings are so jumbled and confusing, but the longer he stays here… the more he thinks that he deserves this. It has only been 6 months and he knows he is going to get clients soon, just like he knows that having a roof over his head is something he doesn’t deserve. So those self inflicted cuts, aren’t just because he was told ‘good job’, though that is part of it, they are because he hates himself with every inch of his body. The punishments he receives are too good for someone like him..

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_ How did I get here again? _

   A hand was roughly grabbing his hair, holding his head up as a mouth bit down on his neck. It was hard and painful, he couldn’t hold back a gasp.

_ Oh right… he is my..first...client.. The Headmaster said he liked to be rough...and that he was someone important so I could not afford to mess up… this is where I put all my training to the test... _

The hand yanked his hair back again, a sign that Atsushi needed to look him in the eyes. So he did.

“I was told I’m your first, I’m so honoured, I will make this something you can’t forget,  _ my kitten.” _

   Atsushi’s hands were bound above his head, his ankles were tied to his thighs, he was very spread out for the man and he whimpered at the words. He could not stop his flinching every time the man got close to him, or even touched him, he did his best to contain his shaking at least. Nails raked into his back as the man makes his way down to his nipples. He pinches and twists them roughly, causing Atsushi to yelp at the sudden sensation. The man sends him a creepy grin, making Atsushi shiver. The mans free hand goes up to his mouth.

“Good boy, you know what to do.”

  Atsushi sucks earnestly on the fingers in his mouth, trying his best to please the other, even wiggling his hips a little for him. The man watches him, pleased, and twirls his fingers on Atsushi’s tongue.

_ Grossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossdisgusting _

   Atsushi would never vocalise his inner thoughts, he has a job to do right now, he can hate himself after. While Atsushi is sucking on the fingers, the man climbs fully onto the bed. His clothing came off before he even entered the room. The man puts his legs on either side of Atsushi’s head, and Atsushi dreads what’s coming next.

“Good little kittens need milk, but you need to work for it~”

   A hand returned to the back of Atsushi’s head, grabbing his hair and urging him towards the already hard length staring at his face. With quivering lips, Atsushi swallows the member in one gulp, the training he went through making the process easier. His tongue coating the erection with extra saliva that he knows will bring more pleasure. He bobs his head up and down, making sure to suck the tip and lick around the shaft occasionally. It is not long before the man gets greedy and shoves Atsushi further down the length, his nose hitting the man’s pubes. He tries not to cringe at the smell. The man thrusts out, then in, pressing Atsushi further down into the bed, while also ensuring that his mouth is full. It doesn’t take much longer before the man is ready to cum, and he releases all of it inside Atsushi’s mouth, just a tiny bit dribbles out after he swallowed as much as he could. The man is visibly displeased and slaps him hard across the cheek.

“I said to swallow it all you bitch, how could you let it drop? Fucking pathetic.”

   Grip still tight on Atsushi’s hair, he slams his head onto the floor beside the bed. Having basically been thrown off the bed, Atsushi winces in pain, tears already forming and still gasping for breathe after the throat torture. The man puts a foot on Atsushi’s head, pressing him onto the ground. He can feel his skull go sore from the pressure, yet a pained moan escaped his lips before he can stop it. His eyes shoot wide open and his cheeks burn in embarrassment. The foot moves off of his head.

“You’re a fucking slut you know that? Getting off from that, you’re such a dirty pet. Tsk. I was gonna be nice since it is your first time and all, but it seems you prefer it rough anyways.”

   Atsushi almost shook his head no as he realized his mistake, the man jerked his hips up, nails digging into his skin. He knew Atsushi had already been prepared before the session so he wasted no time aligning the tip to the hole, and shoving in with such force Atsushi gasped loudly.

“That’s it.”

Atsushi whines and arches upwards as the man thrusts harder and deeper into him.

“That’s it kitten, take it, you’re doing so good, your hole is so tight.”

The man grunts and reaches a particular deep spot inside Atsushi. A hand wraps tightly around his throat, only enough room for him to breathe, but the hand could constrict at any time.

“You’re just a little fuck toy aren’t you?”

Atsushi’s face turns red and he wishes he could turn away but he is being thrust into with such force he can’t do anything, and he is still tied up.

“You thought you were special enough to waste some of my milk hm? You’re filthy, disgusting, a good for nothing whore.”

_ He’s right.. _

“This is all you’ll ever be good for. Nobody would ever want someone like you around. Your body is the only thing going for you  _ kitten.” _

   Tears fall from Atsushi’s face, he knows the man is right. The man groans one final time, shoving deep inside Atsushi, as he cums again. Staying there until he is sure he is finished. The man slowly takes his length out with a low grunt. He reaches over to the dresser and grabs a buttplug and shoves it inside the hole. Atsushi whimpers again, feeling gross about the juices filling his insides.

“Keep the plug in, I want you to be full of my milk. Oh some spilled out of you. Open your fucking mouth, slut.”

   Atsushi can’t register the words in time before three fingers are forcefully shoved into his mouth, covered in the juices. The hand stays there until Atsushi has no choice but to swallow, yet again. The bitter taste never leaving his mouth.

“You did good tonight kitty, maybe you deserve a reward yeah? Let me untie you, I assume you know what I want to see for the  _ good job _ you did.”

   The man says as he tosses a knife to the ground. Atsushi is so weak and sore, he just wants to sleep yet he feels so gross. He knows there will be a worse punishment if he doesn’t do what the man asks. So he grabs the knife, and makes a few cuts on his arm, hoping it pleases the man. And it does, seeing his ‘kitten’ wince from the pain and seeing the blood drip down is enough for him. He gives Atsushi a final slap across the face before he turns to leave, promising to come back again.

“....”

The man is gone….

   Atsushi falls back to the floor, curling up into a ball to try and stop his trembling. He starts sobbing and sobbing, glad that’s finally over, but scared that all the other times will be the same or even worse.

_ This is all you’ll ever be good for… _

_ Nobody would want someone like you… _

   The plug inside him is uncomfortable but he knows he isn’t allowed to take it out until the cleaner comes. In the 6 months of being at the orphanage, Atsushi has never been more conflicted and scared before. He simply doesn’t know how to feel. He knows this is going to be his life now, that he needs to get used to it. But that doesn’t make accepting reality any easier, accepting what just happened to him any easier. So, being alone and having nobody around to yell at him for crying, his tears break free more than usual. He is shaking and his vision is blurry, his head is starting to hurt from all the crying. He just wants to shower and then sleep… maybe even sleep forever..that would be nice….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys want me to write a bit more about his training, let me know in the comments. As you can see, his mindset has changed a bit in the 6 months, but that is reasonable I think considering his situation. I will most likely do another time jump but years instead of months to progress the story, but I will write more on his training if that is what you guys want :) I know how eager some of you are for him to become happy, don't worry! Happy ending I promise :)  
> Thanks again for the comments and kudos! I really really appreciate them and I love hearing your feedback/thoughts, all that!


	5. bitches broken hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuuya meets Atsushi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, just trust me on the whole Chuuya meeting Atsushi first. Truuuust me.
> 
> Also chuuya and dazai are together for the sake of this fic it’s easier okay. And the Port Mafia and Detective Agency are on good terms for now, no fighting yet .. maybe.

 

_ 12 times _

   12 times Atsushi was whipped across the back as a reward for being a good kitty for a client. A reward he was supposed to enjoy but instead caused fear to flow through him.

 

_ 6 times _

  6 times Atsushi was dunked in the toilet and held there until he just about passed out. Because he didn’t want to be a toilet for a client.

 

_ 3 times _

   3 times Atsushi got shocked with the collar because he forgot to keep quiet and accept everything inflicted on him.

 

_ 1 time _

   1 time. Only once was Atsushi able to get a good night's rest, and that was the night before his training started. Only once, was Atsushi allowed to have his own free will, that was before his training as well.

   Atsushi remembers all his punishments and rewards. He knows exactly how many scars are on his body, how many wounds he received with each client. He remembers all their faces. Of course, he got dunked 6 times in one day, shocked 3 times in one day, whipped 12 times in one day. All in the same day. Atsushi is getting quite convinced he deserves all the pain and wounds. When he’s asked to harm himself he’ll gladly do it, he deserves far worse. 

   A recent client, just 2 days ago in fact, was a very scary and... rough. He loves to degrade people and sees Atsushi as less than human. Though maybe he is less than human. It still hurts to hear it. He recalls the mans intimidating aura around him, the second he walked into Atsushi’s room he grabbed his neck and squeezed hard, roughly spitting in his face.

“You think you’re special, you think you deserve to be in the same room as me? You think you deserve to sit on the bed and look at me like you’re even  _ human?  _ Pathetic and disgusting is what you are. Lowly trash who should be grateful it even has a place to live. You’re just a  _ pet.  _ Even that’s too good of a word for you. Even a dog is better than you. _ Anything and everything  _ is better than your piss poor excuse of a life. You think you deserve to live? To be happy? That is a heaven someone like you doesn’t deserve and will  _ never  _ deserve.”

  The words hit him like a brick, he sobbed in the man’s grip, he couldn’t stop the tears as he thought he was right. He was truly right… he was so stupid for thinking maybe he could be happy.. that maybe his life could mean something… he was clearly wrong. If this was all he would be good for then maybe he didn’t want to leave the orphanage.. if he could be of use to others then maybe his life would have even a little bit of meaning. Maybe he was meant to be here.. after all nobody would want him anywhere except here. His body truly was all he had.. he didn’t deserve anything.. even being at the orphanage was probably too good for him. Maybe death itself is too good for someone like him? Could he know at this point? All Atsushi knew was that he really couldn’t leave this place, he needed to learn fast how to accept everything given to him. These men spend their money and time on a lowly pet like himself. He should be grateful they spare a glance at him. And he is. Atsushi is grateful that he can be useful… 

  That same man had put Atsushi in a kennel and continued to spit words at him and dump food and drinks on him. Saying how this treatment was still too good for him. The man had even gone so far as to  _ relieve himself and piss on him.  _ While he was in the kennel. He was trembling and curled into a ball. Atsushi wasn’t sure if it was from fear or the fact that he agreed with the man, maybe it was a mix of both. He was forced to lick up the mans liquid and then was made to even lick and kiss his shoe. Somehow Atsushi earned a kick to the face after, probably because he was a failure in everything, it was only a reasonable response he assumed.

   Atsushi has had a lot of clients like that. They seem to enjoy degrading him and telling him how he truly is. How worthless he is. Some clients don’t even have sex with him, they just treat him like the pet he is, without the sex part obviously. And then there’s some clients who like seeing him whimper and shake from being thrust into mercilessly, or from being choked too long. He doesn’t remember the last time he had his own release, he is never allowed to, he has to deal without one. He also only eats porridge. It’s the only thing the Headmaster will give him and quite often will it be topped with his clients juices, and his face is shoved into the food while they laugh at him and call him a pig. Though there was one time in his life Atsushi had what’s called chazuke, it’s green tea poured over rice. It’s a simple dish, and the  _ one  _ time Atsushi had it he never forgot. It was before he came to the orphanage, back when he was with his parents. The one time they had company over,  Atsushi was thrown a bowl of chazuke and told to go in his room. It was quite literally the best meal he has ever had. And he wonders if he’ll be able to have it aga- No. Atsushi is already grateful he’s given food here, he shouldn’t think that way.

  There are two things Atsushi has never been able to stop himself from doing. And that’s stuttering on the rare occasions he’s allowed to speak, and flinching. Which is to be expected, having creepy old men touching you all the time would make you flinch. That’s the most ‘resistance’ he’ll put up. Most clients love seeing him flinch and maybe not surprisingly, but there are some who punish him harshly for it. They would tell the Headmaster to throw him in isolation. Atsushi has been there a few times already and it’s terrifying. It’s an extremely small room with no lights, and he has to stay there for long periods of time. It scares him, thoughts swarm in his head.

_ Am I being thrown out? Did they decide they don’t want me anymore? nonononono I was good... right?  _

   Atsushi is scared of being tossed away like his parents did with him. He’s been starting to accept his fate at the orphanage and to suddenly be taken away from it scares him. Each time he comes out of isolation the Headmaster is always there waiting for him. Atsushi gets lectured for thinking he’s worthy enough of anything and usually gets a spanking. The Headmaster says it’s a reward for being good in the punishment, Atsushi really doesn’t understand the logic but he has no right to question it.

   The Headmaster is just… always with him.. training him, rewarding him, punishing him… the man truly scares Atsushi, but he’s also indebted to the man. Speak of the devil, the Headmaster is at Atsushi’s room right now.

It’ll be a long night once again..

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

**6 years later**

 

**Chuuya’s POV;**

 

_ Tsk. Shitty Dazai. Why do I have to go undercover for him? Even if I owe him this is too fucking much. Ugh I’m gonna kill him when I get back. _

   Chuuya kicked the nearest wall to him, scaring a few passerby’s. He recalled the conversation he had not too long ago.

 

———

 

“Haaaaah??! Why do I have to do this you waste of bandages?!”

   Chuuya flung himself at Dazai, attempting to kick the man who just swiftly dodged it.

“Becauuuuuse.~ Chuuya owes me for saving his life!”

“Tsk. I never asked you to do that you idiot! That doesn’t explain why I have to go  _ undercover  _ for YOU.”

  Chuuya yelled to the man covered in bandages, who was smirking, without a care for the others feelings.

“Yes yes no need to yell darling~ Consider this a favor for your boyfriend then hm? Besides I think something interesting will happen if you go instead of meeee~”

Dazai sang as he dodged another attack from Chuuya.

“Who’s your boyfriend?!! From what you told me it’s an orphanage that’s supposedly an  _ illegal prostitution house for children.  _ Children! Why would I go there never mind work there huh??!”

 Chuuya was clearly not having it. Dazai was the one who got the report, it was a job for the Armed Detective Agency, not him!! But Dazai just put his hands on his chin, pretending to be deep in thought.

“Because there’s rumours of an ability user there! Very exciting I know. You see I would go myself but I am just ohhhh so busy, and I have a gut feeling telling me you won’t regret going~”

   Dazai just smiled at Chuuya. And well, his instincts have never been wrong before, But that didn’t make him wanna go anymore than before! Chuuya just kept quiet, gritting his teeth and glaring at the brunette.

“It’s simple really. You just go undercover as a cleaner, I’ll explain that to you later. You go meet the boy who most likely has an ability but the orphanage is keeping hidden somehow. And then if he does, you can take him back! Easy right? Listen he doesn’t even need to join the Port Mafia, we will take him in so there’s nothing to worry about there darling~ Pleeeease do it for me hm? When you get back I’ll give you lots of good wine and cuddles!”

“Tsk. That’s not what I'm worried about. And I don’t want your shitty cuddles you waste of space!”

  Chuuya didn’t argue further about not going, so Dazai took that as an agreement to go. Chuuya was still glaring at Dazai who clapped his hands together and ran over to hug the shorter man.

“Awwweh maybe Chuuya really does love me!”

“Haaah? In your dreams.”

The fact that Chuuya didn’t move away from the hug only proved Dazai’s statement. 

 

—-

 

   And so, here Chuuya was, in front of the orphanage. He had been standing outside for a while now, honestly not prepared for what he might see inside. He knows what a prostitution house is like, but he’s only been to the legal ones with  _ adults  _ and not children inside. He knew he was wasting time so he prepared himself and walked inside the seemingly innocent building. Right. He was here to retrieve the possible ability user. He couldn’t infiltrate and destroy the place like he wanted to because the boss ordered him not to, for reasons unknown. 

   Inside was like any orphanage would normally be. But the hallways were empty and it was noticeable they weren’t cleaned that often. Nobody was around to guide him so he had to find his way to the Headmaster’s office. It took a while, the orphanage was bigger than he thought. When he reached the door he knocked and heard a small  _ come in _ . But he was definitely not expecting the man in the chair to be in the middle of… whatever this was.

   There was a very clearly malnourished boy, he couldn’t have been older than 16, his hair was silver and choppy. What shocked him most were the words ‘whore’ carved into his back, and the dozens of scars covering the boy. Two large burn marks wrapped around his torso, he could see bits of what looks to be self inflicted cuts on his arms. The boy was naked aside from.. women’s lingerie? He also had a collar and leash attached to his neck. There were scars from what Chuuya guessed was a whip. And a lot more. That wasn’t even what shocked him most. The boy appeared to be.. on the Headmaster’s.. private's. He surely heard him coming in.. but he hadn’t moved. His face had dried tears but he looked as if having a cock in his mouth was the most normal thing ever. The Headmaster’s hand was tightly gripped onto the boy’s head.

_ cough cough _

   The Headmaster coughed, bringing Chuuya out of his daze. He looked into the older man’s eye, his confusion and shock very visible to say the least.

“I wasn’t expecting you until later, but it’s fine. I assume you’re the one applying for the cleaner job? This here is Nakajima Atsushi, the one you would work with.”

   The Headmaster moved the boy- Atsushi, off of his cock, who coughed and wiped his mouth before bowing down to Chuuya. He looked hesitant to speak.

_ Slap! _

Chuuya couldn’t help but flinch as the Headmaster slapped the boy hard on the rear.

“What do you say brat?”

“N-Nice to m-meet you.. please t-take care of m-me sir.”

   The boy stuttered, looking guilty. Chuuya wasn’t sure why, he hadn’t done anything wrong? Honestly thing whole situation was a shock to Chuuya, he was expecting it would be bad.. but this was just too… he couldn’t even describe it. But he had a job to do so he did his best to act calm, this boy was the one who may have an ability after all. Chuuya sat down on the chair in front of the Headmaster’s, holding out his hand.

“The name is Nakahara Chuuya, I hope I can be of service to both you and Atsushi.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I tried my best at not going too in detail about some things? Though in the future chapters I will go more in depth on some scenes, again just trust me I have a whole thing going on in my head lol. Anywayyyys again thank you so much for the comments and kudos! I will say this every chapter, but they mean a lot <3 I honestly didn't expect to get even 3 kudos so thanks!


	6. Lie Lie Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atsushi and Chuuya talk a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy so this chapter is a bit longer than usual since I wrote the same scene but in both of their perspectives. It just wouldn't make sense if Atsushi trusted Chuuya off the bat you know?

 Chuuya was walking beside the Headmaster, trying to stay calm about the fact that Atsushi was  _ crawling  _ behind them. The boy didn’t even hesitate when the Headmaster tugged him, he didn’t even  _ try  _ to walk like normal people do. Chuuya was good at his job after all, so he never let his thoughts show on his face. The Headmaster was explaining what his job requires and what the rules he needs to know are, while they walked towards Atsushi’s room.

“It’s pretty simple, you must go into the showers with him before and after his clients, make sure he doesn’t do anything bad. If he does you’re allowed to give him a shock which comes out of his collar. He’s not allowed to speak, walk, or do anything for that matter without permission so if he does, tell me and I will give him the suitable punishment. After every client, you must help him clean up since he’s too pathetic to do it himself. You also deliver his meal to him once a day, only if he behaves of course. He’s not allowed to leave the room without permission. He must always be chained to the bed. Everything else you need to know is in this folder here.”

   The Headmaster handed him a folder, mentioning to look through it later on. Atsushi had shown a slight frown on his face after being called too pathetic to clean himself. And it was taking everything Chuuya had in him to not destroy the Headmaster right there and then, taking the boy with him. He wasn’t sure how his supposed powers were being hidden. He thought maybe it was the collar or some sort of drug hidden in his meals. Dazai hadn’t even explained what the ability was, so he was basically going in blind. He held back a sigh, only nodding at the Headmasters words as they continued to approach the room.

   Once the Headmaster led them inside the bedroom Atsushi was immediately chained to the bed, he just laid down on top like it was normal, which it probably was. The Headmaster whispered to him so Atsushi couldn’t hear.

“Just get to know him a bit, he has a client later so you can stay with him until then.”

   The Headmaster turned and left. Chuuya didn’t know what else to do so he walked toward the bed and introduced himself again. 

“Um, hello Atsushi. I’m Chuuya, I hope we can work well together?”

   Chuuya said it like a question because he didn’t know what else he should say in all honesty. The boy flinched at his name being called, but he gave Chuuya a small glance before turning away again, though the look wasn't in his eyes. His back was fully exposed, all his scars visible for Chuuya to see. He felt a painful tug at his heart, nobody, especially someone this young should have scars like this. Being an executive of the Port Mafia, Chuuya could tell roughly how old the scars were. There were some dating back years but they were covered by new ones. Atsushi had healing whip wounds on his back and he could see burn marks as well, on top of the larger ones that seemed to be the oldest scars. He unconsciously reached out to touch the scars. The boy jerked around and scrambled back like a scared cat, his eyes showed both surprise and fear.

“Oh sorry! It’s just, you have way too many scars for someone your age..”

“I deserved them.”

  Chuuya almost missed the words coming out of Atsushi’s mouth, and the boy must have realized since his eyes widened even more and a hand slapped over his mouth. He curled up into a ball, clearly expecting to be hit and it pained Chuuya to see. He wasn’t one to care for others usually, having the job he did, it would only cause problems. Yet he couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit of something with this kid, he reached a hand out to try and calm the other down but he only got a flinch in response.

“Relax kid, I’m not going to hurt you, I truly wanna help you, and you’re allowed to talk to me kay’? I wouldn’t hurt you for speaking.”

   The poor boy simply scoffed at him, clearly distrustful about him, and probably everyone older than him. Chuuya doesn’t blame him at all.

“Listen, I know you’ve probably been through way worse than what I've seen so far. And I know you don’t trust me yet, but I care for you. Even though we just met I do, and I promise I won’t do anything to hurt you.

   Atsushi was visibly shocked, his mouth hung open. Both disbelief but also a tiny bit of happiness showed in his eyes, though it was quickly replaced with disbelief again. Chuuya saw a tear trickle down his cheek but it was soon wiped away by Atsushi.

“Nobody could care for something like me.”

“Something..? Not someone? Oh god what has happened to you..”

   Chuuya didn’t realize he said that out loud. The boy was staring at the blanket with an empty expression. Chuuya recognized that expression, he used to have the same one plastered on his face. He soon figured the boy was too scared to talk still, fearing the worst, so Chuuya took it upon himself to talk about whatever came to mind.

“ So I know you aren’t ready to talk yet. That is perfectly fine, I’m here when you’re ready. Can I tell you a secret? Do you know what that is?”

Atsushi shook his head no, that he didn’t know what a secret was.

“A secret is something shared between too people, they both can’t tell  _ anyone  _ else about the secret as it’s a break of trust between them. I trust you, and I hope you can trust me too soon, so will you let me tell you a secret?”

Atsushi just hesitantly nodded after giving it some thought.

“I’m actually here to help you Atsushi. But you can’t tell anyone.”

   Now the boy was more shocked than before. Chuuya would bet that nobody has ever cared for him in his entire life, and now a stranger was offering to help him, he was most likely scared of leaving or getting betrayed, but there was a shimmer of hope in his eyes. Chuuya would hold onto that small glimpse of the fact Atsushi didn’t enjoy it here. Chuuya was good at telling lies for the most part, and as far as he could tell, Atsushi was an open book.

“When is your next client? Please tell me.”

“U-U-Um… I think m-maybe in an hour o-or two? B-But I don’t k-know since there’s n-no clock… sir..”

“Just call me Chuuya.”

“I-I can’t s-sir..”

   Chuuya hummed in response, he’ll have to help him with that as well whenever they escape. Now he could escape with Atsushi before the client, but he still doesn’t know for sure about his ability, he needs to be able to touch the boy to see if he can feel it.

“You’re allowed to say no to this, but can I touch you? Just a little bit on the hand even, I need to look for something, I promise I won’t hurt you okay?”

   Atsushi was reminding him of a scared cat more and more by the minute. It even took around 5 minutes for him to nod, though he looked away, whole body tensed as Chuuya touched his hand gently. Chuuya tried to be as soft and light as he could. He could feel a slight hum of what seemed to be the ability, but it was very faint. The option of drugged food was scratched off the list and he assumed it was the collar that held his ability in tact. The collar most likely had a tracker in it, or Atsushi had it somewhere in his skin, he opted to check for it in his skin first but he wasn’t sure how the boy would take to that.

“Listen, we could escape this place before your next client, or after, or whenever you’re ready. I will help you though, I can easily escape here with you okay? But the thing is, you might have a tracker placed somewhere inside your skin, I need you to let me feel around for it, if you aren’t ready that’s okay. Don’t push yourself.”

   Chuuya gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

“R-Really??!”

  Atsushi quickly looked guilty after saying that, looks like getting him to talk without being scared will take some work.

“Hey, if it makes you feel better you don’t have to talk to anyone but me okay? I know I'm still a stranger to you but I hope you’ll be able to feel comfortable around me. And yes really, but would you be okay with me trying to find the tracker? If I find it I would have to.. cut it out.”

   Atsushi's body shook at the thought and brought his hands up to his head. Chuuya figures he’s had experiences with knives before, giving all the scars on his arms.

“It’s okay if you’re not ready, I can stay here with you until you are, I’m not going to leave you I promise. And I am not going to hurt you.”

   Atsushi relaxed a bit at the others words, but Chuuya already knew they weren’t going to escape today, maybe not even for a few days or more. He held back a sigh, he would just do his best to be there for the boy and gain his trust.

——----

 

**Atsushi’s POV**

 

   Atsushi wasn’t sure how he liked the new cleaner yet. He was small and hadn’t talked to him much yet, but he was embarrassed he had walked in on the earlier cock warming session. He’s been exposed and played with in front of people before but that doesn’t make it less embarrassing. When the Headmaster said he was too pathetic to clean himself he couldn’t suppress the guilt going through him. He knew he was a pathetic failure who couldn’t do something so simple as to clean himself. He shouldn’t be so weak after his sessions, he internally cursed his body.

   They reached his bedroom shortly after his thoughts. The Headmaster led them inside, attaching Atsushi to the bed, who simply laid down. He slightly heard him tell the cleaner to stay with him a bit and acquaint himself with Atsushi. He heard the door closed and the cleaner walked towards the bed.

“Um, hello Atsushi, I’m Chuuya, I hope we can work well together?”

  Atsushi flinched at his own name. He was usually only called it when being introduced or when he was getting punished, but even then it was rare. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to respond so he simply glanced at the other and turned back around. Yet a sudden touch to his back made him flip around and stumble back, his eyes wide at him..

“Oh, sorry. It’s just.. you have so many scars.. too many for a boy your age.

“I deserved them…”

  Atsushi mumbled under his breath unintentionally. Quickly realizing his mistake he slapped his hands over his mouth and his eyes were begging at the other man, who simply reached out a hand to him. Atsushi flinched and prepared for the worst, curling into his usual defensive position.

“Relax kid, i’m not gonna hurt you. You’re safe with me. And you can talk around me okay? It’s okay.”

   Atsushi scoffed at the cleaner. Him being safe was a joke. The orphanage was as safe as he could be, it’s already been 6 years and he’s still alive isn’t he? He didn’t need anything more, he didn’t deserve anything more anyways. Apparently his thoughts were clear on his face, since the man just sighed slightly.

“Listen, I know you’ve probably been through way worse than what I've seen so far. And I know you don’t trust me yet, but I care for you. Even though we just met I do, and I promise I won’t do anything to hurt you.

  Atsushi was shocked. Nobody has ever said that to him before. He wasn’t sure if the words said were real or not, if he even meant them, He felt a tear trickle down his cheek and he quickly tried to hide it. He shouldn’t have let himself be happy over those words he didn’t deserve it. Yeah that has to be it. The cleaner was just lying because he wanted something from him.

“Nobody could care for something like me”

   Atsushi was simply saying the truth, he couldn’t understand why the other gasped slightly. He has been told worse and again, he wasn’t lying. All the times clients spent drilling into his brain about how worthless he is couldn’t have been for nothing after all.

“Something? Not someone…? Oh god what  has happened to you..”

  The cleaner whispered under his breath, quiet enough so Atsushi couldn’t quite hear it. That frustrated him a bit, he wouldn’t be surprised if the cleaner was already regretting this job. Atsushi wouldn’t wanna look after something as disgusting as him either. He just looked back down at the blanket, already feeling guilty for talking.

“So I know you aren’t ready to talk yet. That is perfectly fine, I’m here when you’re ready. Can I tell you a secret? Do you know what that is?”

A secret? He didn’t know what that was so he shook his head.

“A secret is something shared between too people, they both can’t tell  _ anyone  _ else about the secret as it’s a break of trust between them. I trust you, and I hope you can trust me too soon, so will you let me tell you a secret?”

He nodded after thinking about it for a bit.

“I’m actually here to help you Atsushi, but you can’t tell anyone.”

   Atsushi was shocked, maybe that was an understatement. His poor heart couldn’t handle getting shocked this much in a day. He couldn’t believe someone would offer to help him, especially a stranger. The cleaner knew nothing about him! He’s dirty and filthy and disgusting and worthless and pathetic and to many things to count. Why would he want to help him? There’s nothing in it for him. Maybe the man was trying to trick him, was this a new kink people were into? Breaking people’s hope and trust? He was a fool to think the cleaner was a good man.

“When is your next client? Please tell me.”

“U-U-Um… I think m-maybe in an hour o-or two? B-But I don’t k-know since there’s n-no clock… sir..”

“Just call me Chuuya.”

“I-I can’t s-sir..”

   He already talked more around the cleaner than he has in 6 years and his voice felt sore.. the Headmaster would punish him all night if he knew. But the man wanted him to call him by his name? He simply couldn’t, that was against the rules and Atsushi was terrified of breaking them again. He heard the orange haired man hum slightly.

“You’re allowed to say no to this, but can I touch you? Just a little bit on the hand even, I need to look for something, I promise I won’t hurt you okay?”

   Atsushi really didn’t trust those words, but the fact that someone wanted to help him.. He couldn’t help but have even a bit of hope. He didn’t dwell on it, he was safe at the orphanage and he didn’t want to leave the only place he has known for 6 years. Atsushi knew nothing about the outside world, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious of the other. If his doubts were true and he got punished, it would only be because he deserved it. He felt a light touch on his hand, barely noticeable and he looked away, body tensing as he expected a hit at any moment. But nothing came.

“Listen, we could escape this place before your next client, or after, or whenever you’re ready. I will help you though, I can easily escape here with you okay? But the thing is, you might have a tracker placed somewhere inside your skin, I need you to let me feel around for it, if you aren’t ready that’s okay. Don’t push yourself.”

The cleaner gave him a soft smile, it was different than the smiles he was used to. Atsushi wasn’t being smiled at while being beaten or stepped on. It was so different..

“R-Really?!”

  Atsushi couldn’t stop the words escaping his mouth and he quickly hid himself further into his hands. He hated himself, he was being too weak with this other man who he barely knew.

“Hey, if it makes you feel better you don’t have to talk to anyone but me okay? I know I'm still a stranger to you but I hope you’ll be able to feel comfortable around me. And yes really, but would you be okay with me trying to find the tracker? If I find it I would have to.. cut it out.”

   Cut...cut...cut..cut… no! Atsushi threw his hands on his ears and his body shook a bit. Did the cleaner want him to hurt himself again? But he didn’t say good job to him.. Maybe he wanted to cut him? And a tracker? Why would there be a tracker in him? Oh god he can’t think straight anymore..

“It’s okay if you’re not ready, I can stay here with you until you are, I’m not going to leave you I promise. And I am not going to hurt you.”

   Atsushi slightly relaxed, and he wasn’t sure why. The voice was so soft and kind.. He really was not used to it. If it was a usual client he would already be half covered in cuts and shoved onto the bed for their pleasure, after spewing their “kind” words. But the cleaner did none of that, he didn’t make any move to touch or hurt him, just gave him probably the first real smile Atsushi has ever had directed at him. He wasn’t ready to escape.. To have a tracker cut out of him.. He wasn’t ready..but maybe having this new cleaner would be good. Maybe, just maybe, he could be happy.. He knows he shouldn’t think like this, it was almost like the man did something to him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaa sorry if it was confusing at all? All I can say is that Chuuya has a nice side that he is only showing to Atsushi really. Anywayyyyyyyyys I hope you enjoyed the chapter! <3


	7. An Unkindness of Ravens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i am bad at summaries? so just read :^))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though all the tags are basically warnings. For this chapter he has a client, brief mention of vomit and self harm, but I don't go into detail. More sadness for Atsushi but once you read the end it'll be okay I swear.

    Atsushi was thrown into the showers. Grabbed by his collar and flung inside. Chuuya wasn’t one to be rendered speechless, for the most part, but this did the trick. Since he was a ‘new cleaner’ he needed to know where the showers were and such. Another cleaner came to help out, one who clearly thought of the child differently.

“Fucking pet. Don’t think I didn’t see you try and talk just a second ago. Who said you were allowed to speak?”

“I-I-I’m sorry it’s my f-fault it won’t happen a-again sir… p-please punish me a-as you wish..”

  The boy was clearly holding back tears, he crouched in the corner of the showers, holding his arms up defensively and expectantly.

“Tsk. I’ll just tell your client to be as rough as they like. Oi new guy, I think it’s pretty simple to wash a dog, just do it before the client arrives and remember to hook it back up to the bed.”

  Chuuya nodded, he should really get an award for holding back on punching the man so hard his teeth fly out. He didn’t want to risk Atsushi getting hurt more because of him losing control.

“You got 10 minutes, his client will be here in 15 so don’t dawdle.”

  The other cleaner turned to leave, wiping his hands on his jacket like touching Atsushi would give him a disease. Chuuya made a mental note to remember his face and have a.. nice civil discussion with him later. Once the man left he shut the door and slowly approached Atsushi.

“Hey you okay?”

  The boy didn’t respond, a guilty look was stuck to his face as he stumbled around to grab the shampoo. He tossed the bottle to Chuuya with shaky hands, not looking into his eyes. 

“You can talk around me remember? I won’t tell anyone or hurt you for it.”

  Chuuya spoke gently as he turned the water on, which made the boy yelp in response.

“The fuck why is it so cold?”

“B-Because I d-don’t deserve hot w-water sir…”

  Atsushi spoke so quietly that Chuuya almost missed it. He knew this place was abnormal and Atsushi most likely had years of mental ‘training’ to think this way. But he was too young to be thinking this way, in fact nobody deserved this. With a sigh, he started pouring shampoo onto his hand and began to wash the younger’s hair.

“When we get out of here, you can have all the hot showers you want okay?”

   At the time, Chuuya didn’t realize just how much those words meant to Atsushi.

 

——------

 

“H-Harder! Master t-that… so.. d-deep!”

   Atsushi was being both choked and pounded into with such intensity that he couldn’t think straight. His wrists were bound with rope, purposely rough so it would leave a bruise and dig into his skin. He was being thrust into so hard and deep but he knew, deep down, it was full of hatred. This particular client loved being rough and also hated him, perfect match right?

“Fuck you’re tight as usual kitten, I’m gonna fill you up with my load and then if you ask nicely maybe you can drink some hm?”

“T-Thank you master! P-Please fill me… with your c-cum… I'll be a good toy .. p-please..”

  Atsushi’s words were either fake or real, he couldn’t tell at the moment. He was trained enough to know how to respond and right now he was in pure bliss. The man was probably 40 years older than Atsushi, but he tried not to think about the fact.

“Mmmm what a good pet.”

   The man grunted and tightened his grip on Atsushi’s throat, drool running down his chin. He thrust deep into him, then slowly pulled out, and then went back into him, hard and fast. The motion made Atsushi want a release but he wasn’t allowed, he was never allowed. It didn’t take much longer until the man was cumming and let out a low moan as he filled up Atsushi’s hole. His hand was tightly gripping him and Atsushi almost passed out from lack of oxygen, he coughed once his throat was free. The man’s cock was pulled out of him after the release and the familiar sensation of a plug was quickly replaced, holding the liquid inside his hole.

“What do you say brat?”

  The man slapped Atsushi in the face and then bent down to bite all over his shoulders, chest, and even on his thighs. The bites were hard enough to make him bleed but he still moaned from pleasure.

“T-Thank you... for filling me with y-your cum M-Master.”

“Good, now turn around so your head is laying off the bed and upside down.”

  Atsushi obeyed, the bites stinging and his stomach feeling queasy from both the cum inside and knowing what was going to happen next. He laid upside down, so he was on his back but his head was hanging off the bed. He opened his mouth, sticking his tongue out a bit.

“This is why all you’ll ever be good for is being a cum dump, just a dirty dirty toy.”

  The man smirked and gave no hesitation as he grabbed Atsushi’s jaw and shoved his cock down his throat, the position made him choke. But the client liked him choking. The thrusts were merciless and rough, Atsushi’s face smacking into the others thighs, the strong musky smell all too familiar. His hands were still bound so he couldn’t do much but relax his throat and close his eyes, trying to convince himself he was lucky to have his throat abused like this.

“You have such a nice hole, your body truly is the only worthy thing about you kitten. You were born to be used like this.”

  Atsushi felt tears forming in his eyes already, the thrusts never stopping, he could barely breathe and was gagging every few seconds. That didn’t stop him from using his tongue to try and make the experience as pleasurable as possible for the other though. 

“Mph… Grrgh..”

“Oh fuck baby, I’m gonna cum soon. Oh.. I’m not sure if I went to the bathroom before this, you might get some extra juice today pet, be grateful.”

  Atsushi’s eyes widened as the cock went deeper in his throat, and stayed there. He could feel it getting bigger and the man groaned as he shot his load down Atsushi’s throat. The hot fluid was being pumped into his stomach and it tasted bitter. Tears dripped down his face but he drank the cum, waiting until the ‘extra juice’ came down as well. When the man was done cumming he didn’t even wait for the boy to catch his breath, and continued to ‘relieve’ himself into Atsushi’s throat. There was so much fluid at once he struggled not to choke and spit it out, but the cock was deep in him and he couldn’t move away, he was forced to drink it.

“Fuck you’re even better than a regular toilet.”

   The taste was disgusting but Atsushi acted like it was the most amazing thing in the world. He even threw some fake, yet convincing, moans, though they were muffled. Once the liquid was done being shot down the man stayed in his throat for an extra minute or so before taking himself out and giving Atsushi a good slap on the face.

“W-Was I.. a g-good pet m-master…?”

  Atsushi asked weakly, drool and saliva was mixing in with his tears and the other man’s fluids. He was quite a mess right now.

“You were surprisingly good today, I didn’t even have to punish you…  _ good job.” _

_ Oh… _

_ Ohohohohoh… good job.. that meant.. _

_ Oh.. _

  Atsushi could barely move but he heard the words so he knew what he had to do. He was good enough for a reward how could he not obey? He reached over to his side where a knife was kept under his pillow. As best as he could he sat up against the bed and made a few slashes on his arm, holding it up to the man as blood dripped down.

“This is why I’m a regular.”

  The man licked his lips, a creepy grin on his face, he put the money down beside Atsushi and walked away.

“T-Thank you m-master…”

  Atsushi whispered before dropping his arm and leaning back on the bed. He was absolutely exhausted and just wanted to sleep. But he knew the cleaner would come in soon, and he instantly felt bad for the other man, having to clean up his disgusting mess..he felt so disgusted from the experience but mostly himself. He was used to clients like that, and that was a good session if anything, he has handled worse.

 

———

 

   Chuuya was told to wait outside the room the entire 2 hours the client was with Atsushi. 

_    What did they expect me to do? If I'm honest, I just want to bust down the door and destroy whoever the client is and then destroy every client Atsushi has ever come across and then destroy every cleaner who treats him horribly and THEN destroy the Headmaster, but I wouldn’t let him off so easily oh no, I would make sure the Headmaster wished and begged for death and then maybe I would grant him the wish, maybe. Tsk fucking Dazai what does he expect to happen here? Obviously I’m not gonna leave the kid here, hell he’s probably never even seen the outside. I would be surprised if he’s seen a fucking car before. He’s clearly not 18 yet but he surely still has the mindset of a child. Is this Dazai’s way if texting my patience? I don’t think I can go much longer dealing with this shit. I want to take Atsushi and escape, if that fucking client hurt him I am taking him and leaving I don’t care what he says we can get to that later. I haven’t even known him that long why do I care so much? Tsk. I bet it’s because he is an ability user... yeah that’s it. I haven’t even seen any other children here, all the doors are shut and there’s never anybody around except the other cleaners. Fuck I hate this I’m gonna kill that waste of bandages when I next see him. I bet he would call me a mom the way I’m acting over this kid…. fUCK why am I thinking about Dazai. _

   Chuuya’s thoughts were all over the place but he was trying to distract himself from breaking everything and anything around him. He nearly missed the door at Atsushi’s room opening and the client stepping out with a confident smirk on his face. Chuuya didn’t even try to hide his scowl as he rushed inside the room and slammed the door shut. And he  _ gasped.  _ Yes,  the  Chuuya Nakahara, Port Mafia Executive, was shocked. The room smelled like blood, sweat, and sex, and was that a bit of vomit he smelt? Instantly Chuuya was worried for the kid and he rushed over to the bed, and he almost wished he didn’t.

   Atsushi was leaning against the headboard, barely conscious, most likely exhausted. His right arm was covered in blood from cuts that were clearly self inflicted, he had bite marks all over him, which were also bleeding and would leave bruises. There was a massive bruise forming on his throat that was definitely from a hand choking him. His wrists were bound quite tightly with rope, some blood was forming as well, meaning he struggled in them a bit. Chuuya was seriously getting pissed. Atsushi’s legs were also covered in bruises, he could see a tail coming out of his butt, Chuuya wasn’t sure what it was for or even what it was but he couldn’t bring himself to ask, not yet. There was a white substance all over him and Chuuya just knew it was the client’s semen. There was some vomit beside Atsushi, but since the boy didn’t eat much it was just water that came out. At least Chuuya thought it was at first, he examined further and found it was a mixture of cum and piss. Atsushi must have sensed the man’s ever growing rage because he weakly reached out his hand.

“It-It's fine… j-just.. h-help me c-clean up… s-sir..”

  Atsushi’s voice was hoarse and quiet, which was expected after he was choked that hard. Chuuya could tell he was holding back on breaking down and crying right there.

“....”

“....”

“....s-sir..?”

“That’s it we are leaving and we are leaving  _ now.” _

“W-What??! N-No we c-can’t..”

  Atsushi could barely move in this state of exhaustion and probably pain as well. Chuuya didn’t hesitate to remove the bindings on his wrist and then began to feel around his collar and without warning, he removed it from the boy’s neck. If the collar was keeping his ability at bay, then it shouldn’t appear for a bit since it has been dormant for so long, at least Chuuya hoped.

“W-W-Wait! Sir you.. c-can’t do that!”

“No, listen to me-“

“N-No! H-He’ll hurt y-you and it will be m-my fault sir..”

  Atsushi couldn’t hold back his sobs as he interrupted the older. Chuuya took note of how he was more worried for Chuuya, a stranger, rather than himself, who was currently weak and in pain.

“After giving it some thought and texting an.. acquaintance? I figured there’s no tracker in your body, therefore, collar goes off. I know you’re scared but they can’t hurt me, I promise I will protect you and keep you safe but you gotta trust me okay? I promise I will explain and answer every question you have but only after we are safe. I hate that I even let the client do this to you I should have burst down and destroyed that smug piece of shit but I didn’t and I will make it up to you, I understand that you’re weak right now but I will carry you just please trust me okay?”

   There were a lot of emotions on the boy’s face, confusion mixing to hesitance, to hope, to confusion again, to fear, a lot mixing into each other. Those purple and gold eyes never directly meeting Chuuya’s. But after a bit he hesitantly nodded, Chuuya sighed in relief.

_ Maybe the boy does have some hope after all. _

“Okay I’m gonna carry you now and things might get loud so I want you to cover your ears and keep your eyes closed okay? Want me to cover you with my jacket?”

“I-If it’s… not too much t-trouble… s-sorry I’m too weak to do a-anything sir…”

“Shh it’s fine just hold on to me okay?”

  Atsushi spoke softly and let himself be carried into Chuuya’s arms. He was still naked but they had bigger things to worry about. Sliding his jacket off before carrying the boy, he put it on. It was quite big on him, and Chuuya was small himself. (he would never admit this to Dazai or anyone though). Chuuya made an internal promise to give the boy lots of food later. He felt Atsushi take a deep breath in, and they both prepared themselves for the escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to keep writing on this chapter but I decided to make it a bit of a cliffhanger! ....please don't come for me. Comments are appreciated as usual and thanks for all the kudos again! <333


	8. Wolves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you guys were expecting a fight scene of some sort haha. Anywaaaays more dialogue than usual in this one. Hope you enjoy the somewhat longer chapter! It is a calm chapter, a bit of a break i guess? Ahaha it won't be this calm for long

   Atsushi didn’t dare open his eyes, he was sure his nails were going to leave marks on the cleaners skin from how hard he was grabbing him. Once the man picked him up he  _ lunged at the wall _ , like an absolute madman. Atsushi could hear the wall break and crumble behind them, he heard other cleaners running and yelling at them to stop. It was terrifying, still is terrifying, Atsushi doesn’t know where they are but they haven’t left the building yet. It’s not like he got a tour of the place after all. There was a point he had to cover his ears from the blood curdling screams that they ran from. Atsushi was sure they were in pain but he didn’t dare ask the man carrying him. He just curled into his chest, trembling, he might have heard low words of reassurance but it was lost to him.

   It wasn’t until he felt someone shaking his shoulders did he jerk up, which caused him to fall over on his face.

“Hey, you okay?”

  It was the cleaner who shook his shoulders, not a client...not a client. Atsushi slowly nodded, still a bit dazed and rubbing his nose from the fall.

“Ahaha… sorry if that was a bit scary. Nobody should be following us for a bit though, you’re safe.”

   Atsushi just blinked at the words, processing them. He was too scared to ask the man why he heard screams and groans, and too scared to ask why he swore he smelt smoke in the distance. A few minutes went by and eventually he could see properly, it’s really bright, wherever they are. Atsushi looked around, he could see a bunch of green, everywhere was green. He put his hand down to feel the green stuff, it’s prickly and tickled his hand. He yanked his hand back in surprise. Atsushi looked up at his saviour curiously.

“W-What is this S-Sir?”

“... You don’t know what grass is?”

  Atsushi shook his head and looked down, suddenly feeling guilty that he didn’t know. Was he stupid? Probably. 

“U-Um are we o-outside? I-I have never b-been outside before s-sir…”

“Oh….”

  The man trailed off, seemingly lost in thought for a bit.

“We escaped as I somewhat mentioned. It was easier than I expected, they had no guards or anything to deal with an ability user…”

   Ability user? Atsushi had no clue what the man is talking about, he didn’t want to ask just yet, what if the man decided he was annoying and a burden and left him there? Atsushi knows nothing of the world, so it wouldn’t surprise him if he was abandoned yet again.

“U-Um! Thank you.. s-sir.. I d-don’t know why you h-helped me but.. I-I will do whatever you a-ask to repay sir…”

“What? You don’t need to repay me, you were the reason I was even there bra-..”

   The cleaner coughed and Atsushi tilted his head and stared at him with questions. He was an interesting man. His voice was a bit hoarse from speaking so long, but the man said he could talk.. so he would for however long he was allowed to. The man was scratching his head looking around. Atsushi had no clue where they are, there was a lot of, grass, around them. So in the silence he played with the so called grass. It was fascinating, some pieces were slim, some were thick, some were rough and soft. There was a really bright thing in the sky, like a ball? It hurt to look at so Atsushi continued to play with the grass. It was such a strange sensation on his fingers. Is this what the outside is like? The air smells so..clean and different. It was nice, it was really nice.

“Oi what’s wrong, are you hurt anywhere?”

“H-Huh?”

“You’re crying.”

“Oh… s-sorry sir!”

“Hey it’s fine don’t apologize, it’s probably overwhelming right? It’s okay, I can tell you everything you need to know in a bit okay? I need to call someone so just stay there a bit longer.”

“Y-Yes sir!”

“You can call me Chuuya. We aren’t there anymore right? Nobody is going to get mad at you for doing so.”

  Atsushi hasn’t known the ma- Chuuya, for even a week yet he has said more kind words than anybody has in his whole life. Atsushi was still scared that everything was just a dream and he will be back in the orphanage, but he supposed he can enjoy the dream for just a bit.

_    Oh! The orphanage….I...I’m not going back right? Am I? What if he’s lying and is going to send me back, what if I’m being sold off early? To a new owner?! Did he lie?? Probably… No.. it makes sense.. nobody in their right mind would want me around for anything other than my body.. It’s truly the only thing I’m good for.. I only know how to be a pet. I can't read or write.. I don’t even know what anything is called… I have never been outside until now.. I know nothing.. no. I am nothing... _

   Maybe Chuuya could sense the boy growing more panicked, as he finished up his call and walked towards him. Atsushi was too distracted by the grass and his growing thoughts to hear what he was saying on it though. Honestly he didn't even know what the other was doing, he was talking into a weird shaped thing, Chuuya said he was calling someone.. Atsushi had too many questions and his head was starting to hurt.

“Hey hey, I called someone.. close. We shouldn’t stay here too long in case we get discovered… Everything will be okay, we are going to head to my house okay? Can I carry you again?”

“U-Um. Just d-do what you want sir.. I-I-I mean C-Chuuya!”

  Atsushi sniffled, trying to calm his tears from before. The tears were from being both happy and scared. Today was a really overwhelming day for him… nothing makes sense anymore. He just wanted to sleep and forget everything for a while.

“Okay, you can close your eyes again if you want. I’ll let you know when we arrive.”

  Atsushi nodded and let himself be picked up, failing to not flinch from the touch. If Chuuya noticed, he didn’t comment on it. They began heading towards Chuuya’s home. And Atsushi was really nervous, and scared, was nervous already mentioned? He couldn’t believe he was letting himself basically be broken out of the orphanage. He has never left ever since his parents left him there, and even at his original ‘home’ he wasn’t allowed to leave. Maybe Chuuya expects the same thing his clients do? That would make the most sense, they are going to his house after all. Atsushi prepared himself to service him once they arrive. Though that means figuring out what he would be into. Maybe he’s the more gentle but forceful kind? He has been kind so far.. maybe he’s into the mind break thing? Atsushi didn’t know, he didn’t want to please Chuuya but if he was a client like he suspected...well he had no choice but to do that.

   Atsushi was too deep in thought to notice the worried expression on Chuuya’s face.

 

———-

 

**Chuuya’s POV**

 

{Earlier on the phone call}

“Oi shitty Dazai, I got the kid, we are going to go back to my place.”

“My my Chuuya, kidnapping children now are we?”

“Haaaah?! Of course not you waste of bandages!”

“My dear Chuchu I never thought you would stoop so low!”

“Tsk. I don’t have time to deal with you, and don’t call me that! I will explain everything just, meet me at the house you piece of shit.”

“Hmmm~~”

“....”

“....”

“AGH you asshole I will make it up to you then okay?! Just go to the damn house.”

“Anything for my darling Chuuya!~”

Chuuya hung up the phone and sighed. 

_ That fucking bastard… _

__ He then noticed the boy trying to quiet his sobs as he looked at the grass in awe. Chuuya watched him for a bit, still surprised he didn’t know what grass was. Atsushi was looking at it like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.

_    He said he has never been outside before… Tsk. I shouldn’t have killed them all, they deserve to suffer more and then some. That damn Headmaster escaped too. Fuck, once I’m able to I will hunt that fucker down and make him pay. I am going to make this kid have a better life than he ever has, he deserves that much. _

   Chuuya watched the boy again, not admitting to himself how much he cares already, except he noticed he was starting to panic, he quickly went to reassure the boy and tell him the plans. His house was not too far from where they were, if he went fast enough that is. Chuuya had ran off to a little park near the orphanage and they didn’t have a lot of time to stay there before they risked getting found by passerby’s. He can just say the building caught on fire naturally, if anybody asks right? So he picked up the boy gently, not commenting on how he flinched at the touch. His heart hurt seeing that, but Atsushi clung to him tightly regardless. He was glad that Atsushi was trusting him even a little, it must not be easy. With that in mind, he set off to his home, hoping Dazai actually showed up.

 

\---------

 

   What Chuuya meant by, ‘his house isn’t too far’, was that it was around an hour away if he went fast. And oh did he ever go fast, as gentle as possible though of course. Atsushi drifted in and out of sleep miraculously, it couldn’t have been comfortable but he figured the kid was exhausted. Atsushi still wasn’t cleaned up from the client, Chuuya made sure to give him a shower before they did anything. Maybe they would go shopping once Atsushi could walk easier, he didn’t even wanna guess when the last time the kid wore clothes was. Chuuya didn’t know why, but the boy somehow made his way into his heart already. They haven’t known each other that long, maybe it’s the trust Atsushi has in someone he barely knows, who knows? Chuuya didn’t.

   They reached Chuuya’s house, it was one of his many safe houses and it wasn’t beside anyone else. It was perfect to get Atsushi used to the world without being too scared. He unlocked his door, which he thought he should get an award for, doing that while carrying a kid. Chuuya, being the spontaneous spender he is, had motion sensor lights so they turned on immediately. Atsushi winced a bit and opened his eyes slowly as he felt himself being put down on something. His house was clean and spacious, Chuuya didn’t need much either. The inside of his home looked like something from a cabin in a christmas movie. Wooden floors and a tall ceiling with fans and wooden beams across it. On the right was his kitchen, a stone fireplace facing towards the living room but dividing the two. He had a rather large wine rack with all his favourites. On the left was his bedroom and bathroom, which were connected to each other. He didn’t have much in the living room apart from a bookcase, some plants, and a desk with all his writing materials and a laptop. This home wasn’t his favourite but it was the one close by.

“Stay here for a minute.”

   Chuuya had put Atsushi down on the couch, he wanted to shower him but food and water comes first. He grabbed an apple and a glass of water for now and walked over to the boy, holding them out. 

“W-What are these?”

“It’s an apple and a glass of water.”

“A glass?”

“Have you never used a glass before? What did you drink water from?”

“Aren't you s-supposed to drink f-from a bowl?”

“How do you drink water from a bowl?”

“W-With your m-mouth…?”

   Chuuya snickered at that, this kid had no filter but some humour was there, even if unintentional. He didn’t comment on the bowl thing, maybe he didn’t want to know himself.

“You’re not wrong. You use it like this.”

   Chuuya demonstrated how to use a cup and took a sip of the water, he passed it to Atsushi who looked terrified of dropping it. Atsushi hesitatingly took a sip of the water and gasped slightly.

“T-Thank you! I haven’t had water i-in a while! U-Um thank a-again… C-Chuuya.”

“No need to thank me so much it’s just water. Once you finish the water and eat the apple let’s get you showered and changed okay?”

“C-Changed?”

“Into clothes.”

“L-Like what you’re wearing?”

“Not exactly, just a plain shirt and pants. Once you gain more weight you can wear clothes like me if you want.

“C-Chuuya has nice c-clothes.”

“Hey! Thank you for appreciating my wonderful fashion taste.”

“Y-You’re welcome I-I think? You shouldn’t t-thank someone like me t-though..”

   Chuuya frowned. Atsushi has extremely low self esteem and self worth overall. It would take a lot of time to fix even a little bit. The boy didn’t even think twice about the comment and gulped his water down. Once he reached the apple he looked at it with curious eyes, holding it up and rotating it in various ways. Atsushi took a bite and his eyes widened, Chuuya swore he even drooled a little.

“I-It.. T-This… This is so g-good!”

“Have you had an apple before?”

“N-No! I only h-had porridge at the orphanage!”

  Chuuya let himself smile a bit, He has never seen someone look so grateful for an apple before. It’s a good thing Chuuya likes to cook, he will make sure to feed the boy all sorts of food.

“You can eat whatever you like now that you’re with me.”

  Atsushi’s eyes widened even more, if possible, and he looked down sheepishly. He nodded and kept working on his apple. He ate slowly, seeming to cherish it, and Chuuya didn’t have the heart to rush him. 

“I will prepare the shower while you finish okay?”

“Mhm.”

   Atsushi’s mouth was full and he smiled and walked away. The boy was adorable he can’t deny. Chuuya walked to the bathroom and pulled out the shampoo and soap for him. He hid away the razors and anything Atsushi wouldn’t recognize or be comfortable with. Chuuya wasn’t gonna take any chances on him getting hurt or reminded of something. By the time Chuuya was done testing the water and everything he walked back to the living room and saw Atsushi was done the apple.

“Oh! U-Um why are there black hard t-things?”

“Those are seeds, every fruit has them. You shouldn’t eat them though, they can upset your stomach.”

“O-Oh I see.”

“Let’s get you in the shower, can I pick you up again?”

“Y-You don’t have to! I-I can just crawl…”

“Yeah…. no. I will help you walk again, you’re not gonna crawl anymore okay? I don’t mind carrying you. Tonight I want you to just get a good rest.”

“Oh.. okay t-then. D-Do as you p-please!”

   Chuuya picked the boy up and carried him to the bathroom. He showed Atsushi what the shampoo and soap looked like, and told him not to touch the shower handle. Chuuya didn’t want to risk the boy accidentally freezing himself to death.

“Call me when you’re done, I’ll be near the room.”

“W-Wait! You aren’t.. g-gonna shower m-me?”

“Why would I?”

“Um…”

“I’m not your cleaner here. Outside the orphanage, privacy is a thing. You can shower alone and take as long as you need okay? It’s all right, I promise, take this time to be on your own. I’m sure you need a break.”

“Um... t-thank you then C-Chuuya!”

“Sure thing kid.”

   Chuuya set the water to a warm temperature, since Atsushi clearly liked the warm water. He left the bathroom and went to get some wine. He pulled out his phone.

 

**To: Waste of bandages**

**From: Chuuya**

 

_ Oi bastard where are you?  _

_ Wait nevermind. Just come here when you can but I swear to god if you’re loud I’ll kill you. _

 

  Chuuya instantly regrets texting Dazai, he would much rather talk to him as little as possible. The man texts with 3 emoticons a sentence and it gets very annoying very quickly. Chuuya sighed as he poured some wine into a glass and started sipping it, he shut his phone off as he didn’t want to deal with the texts.. He was both glad and pissed off Dazai decided to take his sweet time getting here. He wasn’t sure how Atsushi would react to someone as… crazy as Dazai. The boy already gets overwhelmed easily, though it is more than expected. Chuuya sighs while eyeing the shower every 2.7 seconds. It’s gonna be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaa! I'm trying to keep Chuuya as in character as I can, he isn't hot headed as usual because obviously Atsushi would be scared or whatever. I'm doing my best lolol. Anyways if you have any suggestions or anything let me know! Thanks for the comments and kudos as usual I'm glad you guys are enjoying this <3


	9. Paris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy progression will take longer now! Like it will be a bit slow for a bit, that just means more chapter I guess? Anyways hope you enjoy :3

    Atsushi has never been alone in the shower before, he has never had warm water in the shower either. It was always freezing cold water. When Chuuya leaves him alone he’s shocked. He doesn’t know what the bottles are, only where to use them and what order to use them in. He feels so pathetic for not knowing something so simple. But he was never allowed to be alone...except in punishments… Atsushi scratches his neck, remembering there’s no collar anymore. He scratched harder, drawing blood but not realizing. Suddenly he feels hot and his breathing is short. Last time he was alone….

_ “A full two days in isolation should remind you of your place, you filthy brat.” Atsushi was thrown into the isolation room by the hair. Some hair most likely ripped out in the process, he winced as his back hit the cold cement. He wasn’t given a chance to respond before the door was slammed and locked shut, leaving him in complete darkness. Atsushi hated dark small spaces, he really did. Thoughts of being forgotten and abandoned rushed through him. How pathetic and weak he was for being unable to follow orders, for thinking he deserved to talk, or even breathe. Isolation meant staying awake the entire time, if he dozed off even a little bit, he got a shock with the collar. Atsushi didn’t know how the Headmaster possibly knew when he was tired, but he wouldn’t dare ask. The shocks hurt, they left his body numb and shaking for hours after. He couldn’t breathe.. it was hot..stuffy… small… he felt like the walls were closing in on him.. was he going to die? Were the walls going to crush him? He deserved such pain. A monster like him would never be worthy of life. His nails dug into the walls and ground, causing them to bleed and even rip off. Atsushi didn’t feel it, he screamed and screamed. The voices were too loud.. he was dying..he couldn’t breathe. _

“Hey!”

_ He was choking on his tears. Nobody would hear him.. he was meant to die in a ditch...he meant absolutely nothing to the world. _

“He’s having a panic attack and flashback.”

“Well obviously! Shut up and stay back.”

_ Atsushi might have heard voices, he wasn’t sure. There were so many voices screaming at him, telling him the brutally honest truth. He agreed, he really did.  _

“Hey!”

Atsushi was roughly jerked out of his thoughts. He shook and held himself, his breathing incredibly fast but short. He put his hands on his ears, he doesn’t know where he is anymore. He just sobbed.

“Hey kid are you okay?”

A hand tried to touch his shoulder and it made him flinch and scatter back a bit. He was up against the wall now, eyes wide and staring at the man in front of him.

“C-C-Chuuya…?”

“Hey.. you okay? You were screaming.”

    Atsushi was having trouble focusing, he tried to calm himself down as best he good. He noticed there was a man behind Chuuya, standing in the doorway. He was covered in bandages and had brown hair. A stranger. Atsushi panicked and started apologizing.

“I-I’m sorry it w-won’t happen again s-sir..D-Do you need me t-to service you… I-I’m sorry p-please forgive me s-sir..”

    Atsushi thought the brunette was a client, maybe him and Chuuya wanted to use him at once. He hated himself for being so weak in front of a possible client, or in general. He kept apologizing, though they soon turned to mumbles as he bowed his head.

“What? Why are you apologizing?”

“B-B-Because I was a b-bad pet….”

“I...I.. WHAT?!”

Atsushi flinched at the sudden outburst from Chuuya. He swore he heard a quiet chuckle coming from the brown haired man, but he didn’t look up, he didn’t have permission to.

“Oh my god.. the kid.. he thinks... Shitty Dazai this is your fault!”

“How mean! I haven’t said anything~”

“Tsk you were thinking it!”

He heard footsteps come closer to him, and his body tensed, preparing to be hit.

“I’m not gonna hurt you, can you look at me? Ignore the bastard behind me okay?”

    Atsushi hesitantly looked up to see Chuuya glaring at the man, who just held his hands up defensively before walking away. Atsushi let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He looked back at Chuuya, unsure what he was meant to do here. He had been taught to give head in situations like this so Atsushi slowly reached his hand towards Chuuya’s crotch. It didn’t get far until his wrist was grabbed.

“Kid what are you doing?”

“W-What else should I-I be doing sir?”

“I don’t want you to do that kind of thing, we are out of the orphanage remember? And call me Chuuya.”

“S-Sorry Chuuya…”

    Atsushi looked down, feeling guilty again. He was at a loss. Someone wasn’t interested in doing sexual things with his body, and Atsushi had no idea how to react. He only knew how to be a pet after all. Maybe he felt a bit relieved… the feeling went unnoticed though.

“Want to tell me why you were screaming earlier?”

“I-I was?! I-I am sorry! I’m sorry o-oh…”

    Suddenly Atsushi felt two hands on his shoulders, he flinched slightly but didn’t shrug them off. The hands were so… gentle, warm even, he didn’t want them to leave for some reason. Part of him still expected to be hit though, he would ignore the feeling for a bit.

“Don’t apologize. You can talk when you’re ready. I’m sure you’re wondering who the other person here is, wanna meet him?”

“U-Um… I-I suppose..”

    Atsushi wasn’t sure why anyone would bother getting to know him. None of his clients bothered with introductions. He wasn’t worthy of even that. Chuuya stayed with him until he calmed down more, before picking him up and bringing him to the couch. The brunette was sitting on a tall chair in the kitchen. Atsushi didn’t know chairs could be that high, and there was no back on it. It was strange, what if he fell off? Chuuya walked over to the man and sat beside him, whispering something before he turned and sat next to Atsushi.

“Hellooooo Atsushi! Chuuya here has told me much about you ~”

“O-Oh.. um.. hi..”

“Tsk. I haven’t told him that much don’t worry. this is Dazai Osamu. I completely understand if you wish to ignore him though.”

“Oh Chuuya you wound my heart!”

“Shut up bastard.”

    While they bickered Atsushi got a chance to look around the unfamiliar place. It was bigger than any room Atsushi has been in. The couch was softer than anything he’d ever sat on before. He only knew what a couch was from his parents house, and even then it was old and hard and he wasn’t ever allowed to go on it. Everything else in Chuuya’s place he didn’t recognize. Atsushi fidgeted in his spot, knees up to his chest. He was really nervous and unsure about everything right now.

“Atsushi.”

“Y-Yes?”

“Do you like Chuuya? He’s not too scary is he?”

“U-Um.. no he’s n-nice.. I-I have never met s-someone as nice as C-Chuuya!”

“Aweh hear that dear?”

“...”

Chuuya coughed and turned his head for a bit. Atsushi immediately thought he did something wrong and went to apologize but got stopped when Chuuya held his hand up.

“I know what you’re gonna say, and don’t.”

“But..”

“No.”

“Okay..”

“What happened to your neck?”

   Atsushi tilted his head to the side and put his hand up to his neck. It was warm and stung a bit, he looked down and saw blood on his fingers. A familiar feeling ran into him, remembering the years of training drilled into his head. He smiled and looked back up at Chuuya.

“Oh.. It’s nothing sir.”

“Your neck is bleeding Atsushi.”

“And?”

“And…? We should treat it?”

“Why would we treat it?”

“Kid just let me clean and bandage it.”

“It’s alright sir, I deserve all wounds and treating them defies all purpose. You can hurt me as you please.”

Chuuya and Dazai gave each other a concerned look.

 

**Chuuya’s POV**

 

    Atsushi changed so quickly. It was like he was reading from a script after he saw the blood on himself. His eyes had lost the sign of life that he just barely had. His voice became high and.. feminine? Atsushi was in a trance like state, almost. It truly pained Chuuya to see and he didn’t know how to react.

“I’m not going to hurt you.. I gain nothing from it and no, you don’t deserve it.”

Atsushi just smiled with sad but seemingly lifeless eyes. Chuuya whispered to Dazai.

“Dazai… what happened?”

“Seeing the blood most likely triggered him into acting and speaking how he would at the orphanage, with a ‘client’ who caused him to bleed.”

“Fucking hell.. Does his neck injury have to do with his panic attack- or  whatever that was earlier?”

“I assume so.”

   Dazai wasn’t joking around as usual, which made Chuuya worry more. He cared for Atsushi he did, he wanted to help him as well, but anyone who knew Chuuya would know that helping others isn’t his strongest trait. He’s known for being short tempered and hot headed, but he isn’t heartless. Dazai had arrived shortly before Atsushi started screaming. They ran into the bathroom and Atsushi was shaking and crying, mumbling ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I’ll be a good boy’. Chuuya tried to control his breathing and calm him down as best he could but it took a while. He was worried for the boy, while Dazai was enjoying the fact that his significant other cared for someone else. 

“Sirs? Do you w-want me to service you?”

His stutter was coming back.. god Chuuya was not cut out for this sort of thing.

“No.. Atsushi I broke you out of the place so you wouldn’t have to do that anymore, you don’t want to do that anymore right?”

“W-What? My opinion doesn’t matter..”

“You’re allowed to have an opinion.”

“...you’re g-gonna regret h-helping me soon enough.”

“I’m sure I won’t.”

Chuuya didn’t hesitate once, it made Atsushi close his mouth. The boy clearly didn’t know what to do either, that made two of them. Chuuya elbowed Dazai.

“Can you try and bandage his neck? You’ll know better than me.”

“Of course my darling, if i can have a kiss~”

“Fucking… you asshole…”

Chuuya gave him a quick kiss and turned away, ignoring the blushing boy who watched the whole thing happen. Chuuya hated showing his affections around other people, but now wasn’t the time to argue over it.

“Atsushi? Can you let me bandage you? As you can see I have plenty of experience! I would even say that I am better than a doctor! Except for Yosano…. I do hope you never meet her Atsushi, she’s quite scary!”

“....do as y-you please…”

   The boy gave up on his ‘act’ a bit ago. Though he was confused as to why he wasn’t servicing them it seemed. Chuuya noticed that Atsushi constantly expected to be hit with every gesture. Even when Dazai grabbed bandages from the bathroom and went to clean Atsushi’s wound, he flinched and tensed up. Chuuya’s heart saddened over the idea that, Atsushi had probably never known care or love, and his wounds have never been treated.

    While Dazai was wrapping his neck, Chuuya went to set up a spare bed for the boy. He heard Dazai talking to Atsushi, probably to gain his trust. He decided Atsushi would sleep on the floor beside his bed on an air mattress. Chuuya didn’t have a spare room but he also didn’t want to leave the boy alone just yet. Dazai would have to deal with it for tonight whether he liked it or not.

  Everything was quiet for a bit. Atsushi was not talking much, overwhelmed with everything. And when Chuuya held out pants and a long-sleeved shirt to him… the boy  _ cried _ . He cried and said ‘thank you’ and ‘I don't deserve this’ over and over. Once again Chuuya was at a loss what to do, he reassured the boy saying he does deserve it and that he can keep them. Never has he seen someone cry for clothes before, but those were the first pair Atsushi owned he bet, at least the only nice ones. He helped Atsushi change into them, the boy was not as embarrassed as he should be about being naked in front of someone, but Chuuya didn’t comment on it. Atsushi looked so happy to be wearing clothes, they covered his scars and they were soft (expensive too but Chuuya would never say that). He smiled knowing that Atsushi liked them.

“Darling.”

“Yes?”

“You’re such a mom.”

“Shut up shitty Dazai.”

Dazai chuckled and pulled Chuuya into a hug. He didn’t have the energy to pull away and he wouldn’t deny he needed it. As if he would admit that though.

“Do you like the kid?”

“Hmmm~”

Atsushi was on the couch, eating some crackers which he received from Dazai, that he looked all too happy for, he ate slowly again and savoured them.

“I think he’s someone good.”

   Chuuya knew what he meant. Dazai being an ex Port Mafia Executive and Chuuya being a current one, it’s hard to run into good people. People lie all the time and don’t always have good intentions. Atsushi is both honest and very readable, which the pair like in a person.

“You know he tried to touch my dick earlier right?”

“But he didn’t.”

“Yeah...but he thought that’s how you say thank you, or something. I don't know what honestly. He hasn’t done it since, maybe he’s gotten the message that I don’t want that from him.”

“And he would never touch my lovely Chuuya~”

Chuuya sighed and leaned into Dazai’s neck.

“When do you think his ability will come back?”

“Once he has eaten more and gotten sleep, maybe in a few days, or a week.”

“That’s not that long, are you going to stay here the whole time?”

“Chuuya are you asking me to abandon my work and watch the kid with you? Is this your way of telling me you want a kid?”

“What?! Where did you even get that idea from! No you asshole it’s so you can use your ability if needed…”

“I know my dear, I’ll be here. What will you tell Mori?”

“Ugh I don’t even wanna think about that right now.”

“Hmm, let's figure that out tomorrow then.”

“He’s sleeping in our room tonight.”

“....”

“If you’re against it the couch is available.”

“Chuuuuya! Don’t kick me out!”

“I will if you keep acting like this.”

“You're so mean!”

Chuuya sighed again, and left the embrace. He turned towards the boy who just finished his crackers.

“Atsushi are you tired?”

“U-Uh.. a little..”

“I prepared a bed for you, let’s get some rest yeah?”

“W-What? I can't ask y-you to do that for m-me..”

“You didn’t ask, I offered, up you go.”

Chuuya picked Atsushi up, making sure the boy knew what he was doing first of course, and brought him to the bedroom. He laid Atsushi on the bed and gave him blankets and an extra pillow if needed.

“Dazai and I will be in the same room just wake on of us if you need anything okay?”

“Y-Yeah… t-thank you Chuuya! And D-Dazai..”

Atsushi looked embarrassed and quickly hid under the covers. Dazai chuckled and called him cute. Chuuya smiled softly.

“Goodnight Atsushi.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god sorry for changing POV so much! Also there will be better interactions with Dazai and Atsushi in the future don't worry. Sorry if anything was confusing at all, I hope not but let me know! In general this is an overwhelming situation for everyone but it will make sense later and just everything will work  
> out i swear. kudos and comments are appreciated and thank you all for doing so, so far!! <333


	10. Cages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! If you are easily triggered by self harm/suicide attempt and thoughts, anything along that, please skip this chapter! You can skip and wait until the next chapter and you won't miss anything too big, I will put a lil summary at the end notes if you decide to skip! < 3  
> Anyways wow I suddenly got inspo to write angst in the shower so that's how this chapter came to be! I am so sorry Atsushi :(

_ “You can only blame yourself. Stop screaming. Useless and pathetic human beings don’t have the right to cry.” _

_ I know… _

_ “Ungrateful brat! You should be glad your father didn’t finish you off before abandoning you!” _

_ Maybe he should have…. _

_ “No one needs you, no one even wants to look at you. You would be more useful dead, but even that’s a long shot.” _

_ I never thought I was needed…. _

_ “You are a monster.” _

_ “Worthless.” _

_ Shut up…. _

_ “Disgusting slut.” _

_ Shut… up... _

_ “Pathetic excuse for a pet.” _

_ SHUT UP! _

    Atsushi jumped upwards from the bed, breathing heavy and his body slick with sweat. He could still hear the voices… the voices of his clients. The words he knew were true, afterall, why would they lie to him?

_ “You can’t do anything right. You’re lucky you have such a cute body, otherwise nobody would willingly touch you. Now why don’t you do a  _ _ good job _ _ like the dog you are.” _

_ Good job… _

_ Good…. _

    Atsushi scrambled out of the bed, thoughts filled with the word. He quietly made his way to the kitchen, crawling slowly but as quick as possible. 

_ Good job… _ .  _ Pets… must get their.. reward.. _

   Atsushi made it to the kitchen and saw the reward. The knife was a bit high and he had to reach for it, almost falling at the attempt. 

_ “You’re beautiful when you’re covered in blood baby.” _

_ 1 slice… _

_ “Maybe I should take you home and make you a living doll? You would look good with no eyes and limbs.” _

_ 2 slices... _

_ 3 slices…. _

_ “You are repulsive when you aren’t covered in injuries.” _

_ 4… _

_ 5…. _

_ “You are simply an object to be used. Objects don’t deserve to speak or think.” _

_ 6…. _

    Atsushi kept slicing, and slicing, and slicing. He was in a trance, he couldn’t hear anything except the clients, all of his ‘Masters’. He wasn’t in Chuuya’s home anymore, he was in the orphanage.

_ “Once you are 18 you’ll be sold to a permanent owner, don’t think we would want you once you turn 18. And don’t expect your owner to keep you either. You have no worth, even dirt is more valuable than you.” _

__ Atsushi was losing feeling in his arms, he didn’t care. He kept slicing and hacking away at his arms, sure the floor was covered in blood. His clients liked that though, they enjoyed seeing him mutilate himself. Maybe Atsushi enjoyed it too, it made him feel alive for once, and he knew he deserved worse.

_ How many slices..? 10? 15? I can't… tell.. Maybe this time I’ll finally die… death is too good for someone like me… but… this is peaceful… I’ll just sleep a bit, would I get punished for sleeping? Maybe… it would be well deserved… I'll just sleep for a... bit then.. _

 

~~~~~~~~

 

_ Atsushi was swimming in darkness. He couldn’t see or hear anything. His mind was quiet..for once. It felt so different, and calming. Atsushi silently hoped he would never wake up. He wanted to stay here forever…. That would be nice, but life wasn’t so easy. _

__ Atsushi weakly opened his eyes, wincing at the bright light staring back at him. He blinked once, twice, before his vision came back.

_ Where am I? _

__ He saw a white ceiling above him, it looked a lot like the ceiling from when he first arrived at the orphanage.

_ Did they finally get rid of me? _

“Atsushi?”

    Atsushi turned his head to where the voice came from.

“C-Chuuya? And… D-Dazai?”

    Atsushi was quite clearly confused.

_ Wasn’t I… _

“Oh… It d-didn’t work huh..”

    Atsushi felt a bit embarrassed. He hadn’t meant to try and kill himself, he just got caught up in the moment. He felt weak for thinking he deserved an escape from life. He saw the two men give him a sympathetic look. And he simply looked back up at the ceiling.

“Where a-are we?”

“Something like a hospital, at least this room is.”

“W-What is a hospital?”

“Oh. It’s a place where they treat and help sick or injured people.”

“Seems nice….”

“Atsushi…”

    Chuuya was clearly pushing him to talk, but Atsushi felt pretty numb. He didn’t feel that he needed to talk, it wasn’t the first time this had happened either.

“Chuuya, maybe I should talk with him. I can...understand after all.”

“I guess you’re right… just don’t scare the kid.”

    Atsushi heard Chuuya walk across the room, far enough to give them space but close enough to hear them as well. He turned to stare at Dazai, taking note of his bandage covered person.

“Atsushi, can you tell me why you did it?”

“W-Why should I? It’s n-not a big deal.”

“It’s a big deal to me and shortie, we haven't known you long but we care and want to help you.”

“Why?”

“Because you deserve it, and frankly you’re a good person.”

    Atsushi didn’t know what to say to that. To the lies coming out of Dazai’s mouth. He didn’t deserve anything. He looked away but gave in to his curiosity.

“H-How did I even g-get here?”

“I heard sounds coming from the kitchen. I noticed you were gone so I woke Chuuya and that’s when we discovered you on the floor covered in blood. It… scared us.”

“S-Scared you?”

“There was so much blood and you weren’t waking up.. we couldn’t help but think the worst. We decided to bring you here where someone experienced could help your injuries.”

Atsushi hummed in response. 

_ The worst huh… it’s not like I mean anything to them, I just burdened them, they had to bring me somewhere and even bothered their friend. I would have been better off alone. _

“Atsushi look.”

    Atsushi looked over again and saw Dazai taking off his bandages. Underneath were tons of scars littered on his arms. It didn’t take a genius to know what caused them.

“I get it, I do. I know the feeling of doing it, I understand the thoughts that can happen. I haven’t done this in years thanks to shortie over there. I want you to know you’re not alone and I hope you can talk to either of us about this thing. I know you aren’t used to having people care about you, and I assure you that we have no bad intentions. We truly care about you Atsushi.”

    Was he crying? How much has he cried talking to these two men? From relief? Happiness? Was he allowed to feel this way? To feel that maybe they were different? Atsushi didn’t know, but he wanted to trust them. They didn’t seem like any of his clients, they didn’t look at him like he was a monster. Atsushi sniffled and took a bit to stop crying before he spoke.

“I-It was just a n-nightmare at first… I-I guess… T-They happen all the time s-so it’s normal.. I-I’m just weak and h-have them because of it.”

    Dazai didn’t speak, nor did Chuuya. they let Atsushi talk until they knew he was finished.

“I-I… A-At the orphanage… s-sometimes clients like to see me r-reward myself. T-They tell me good… g-good j-j-j…”

“It’s okay, I know what you’re trying to say, you don’t have to say it if you don’t want to.”

“O-Okay… Um.. so when t-they tell me that.. I have t-to c-cut myself.. a-a-and it’s n-not like I don’t deserve i-it or anything… I-I have to do it w-when i’m a good p-pet.. and I truly d-do deserve it.. I do… I-I am foolish to t-think I can even exist… b-but anyways… I-I guess it just.. got me a lot t-tonight. I-I am so sorry f-for all the trouble I caused! I-I will do what I can to r-repay…”

“Oi kid, don’t apologize for something like this. We did this because we  _ wanted  _ to. Don’t say sorry.”

“Y-Yes..”

    Chuuya had butt in the conversation there, clearly frustrated he was apologizing. Atsushi didn’t make eye contact with either of them. He just openly ranted to them, they probably found him disgusting. But instead, he found two separate pairs of arms around him. Atsushi flinched but didn’t move way from the touch right away. Dazai and Chuuya were both.. what were they doing?

“W-What is this?”

“A hug.” 

Dazai said simply, tightening his arms.

“This is d-different from h-hugs I got at the orphanage….. aren’t y-you disgusted b-by me?”

“Why would we be disgusted?” 

Chuuya asked in a soft voice.

“B-Because I am disgusting ...?”

“No you are not. And if it’s okay with you, we will give you lots of hugs whenever you want them.”

    Atsushi thought about Chuuya’s words. This… ‘hug’ was different. The Headmaster said hugs were being whipped, the burn and pain was a hug. He was confused, why would the Headmaster lie? Maybe Dazai and Chuuya were lying… but they didn’t seem like the type… they willingly touched him after all. Most people didn’t want to do that. He felt safe and warm in the hug, a bit crowded, but he was scared to leave, scared of them abandoning him. Atsushi was also scared of the feeling in his chest, he wanted so badly to be happy.. he used to dream of it all the time, eventually he learned not to. Dazai and Chuuya crashed into his life and brought all his past hopes back. It scared him, he was used to pain, that’s all he knew, he was scared of being loved and being looked at with kind eyes. He didn’t know that, he didn’t know love, love didn’t exist for someone like him. Atsushi thought that maybe he could give the two men a chance, a chance for Atsushi to be happy and okay, even just a little bit. If they were lying then he would accept his punishment as he always does. It can’t hurt to try he figured.

“T-Thank you… t-thank y-you… so much..”

 

~~~~~~

**Chuuya’s POV**

 

    It was around 4-5am when he woke to Dazai nudging him in the side. Chuuya wasn’t too happy about that and proceeded to try and whack him in the head but stopped when Dazai pointed to the bed beside them. Atsushi wasn’t there. He heard noises coming from the kitchen and his face instantly grew worried. Him and Dazai quietly left the bedroom and walked to the kitchen, only to see something horrific.

    Atsushi’s arm dropped to the side and his head dropped down. The boy had fallen unconscious right when they walked in. The floor around him was soaked in blood, there was blood all over his clothes and arms. Oh god his arms.. There was huge gaping cuts all over… Chuuya tried not to look away. Atsushi had done this to himself. He noticed Dazai scratching at his own bandages, Chuuya knew why. As quickly as possible he rushed over to Atsushi, trying to wake him up. His breath was shallow and slow, not a good sign. Dazai didn’t hesitate to call Yosano, it would be weird having Chuuya show up at the Detective Agency but the situation called for no hesitation. They couldn’t go to a hospital since Atsushi might not make it in time. Chuuya was honestly trying to hold back tears, he was so worried for the kid, he cradled him in his arms until Yosano gave the okay to transport him, sending a car their way. Chuuya didn’t live far from the Agency, at least this in particular house. 

    He thought he heard Dazai trying to reassure him, but it was all blurred. He already cared so much for the kid. Chuuya wasn’t one to care for people, his job wouldn’t call for it. Atsushi was a good person, Chuuya didn’t want to lose someone good. Atsushi wasn’t scared of him, at least for the reasons normal people were scared of him. Chuuya could tell a good person from a bad person, and Atsushi had been through so much, more than he probably expected, yet he was still good.

    Chuuya was deep in thought by the time the car arrived. He gently picked Atsushi up and rushed to the car, once he got inside Dazai started putting pressure on the boy’s wounds. Dazai’s face had one of familiarity in it, he knew what the boy was going through, even if the circumstances were different. It pained Chuuya. The car ride seemed to take forever but they got to the Detective Agency eventually. It was still early morning but the Agency worked early, taking shifts according to Dazai. 

    They rushed inside, Chuuya ignored the questioning looks he got from the members and went straight to where Yosano was. Her face instantly paled when she saw the boy and she hurried them into a room. Atsushi was placed on the bed and she instantly got to work. Dazai was hugging Chuuya to try and calm him down, yet he himself was worried. Chuuya didn’t have the energy to get angry and push away like he usually would. He hoped the kid would be okay. He let this happen under his roof, he shouldn’t have let Atsushi out of his sight, even if he was sleeping.

    Yosano informed them after she finished that he would be okay, but she said he should have died with that amount of blood loss. It confused them, he didn’t die though. Dazai suggested it might be part of his ability (which was still unknown). It made sense, nothing else could be keeping him alive, though it raised more questions about his ability. Chuuya was internally grateful that Atsushi was okay, he really was. He sighed in relief and went to sit beside the boy. Yosano had left the room after chatting with Dazai about something, and then Dazai joined Chuuya, giving him hugs and kisses. Chuuya would never admit it, but he was glad Dazai was there to calm him down. Now he hoped Atsushi would wake up soon.

    Once Atsushi had woken up and they talked, Chuuya was pissed. Maybe pissed was an understatement, he was absolutely and entirely enraged at the orphanage. How had this gone on for so long and nobody suspected anything? Chuuya didn’t know even half of what Atsushi went through, but what he heard was enough to know the shit place it was. He hugged the boy tightly, smiling when he thanked them. Atsushi was starting to trust them and it was a good sign. It made Chuuya relieved and Dazai as well. The room was silent as Atsushi cried, it was a comfortable silence though. Neither him or Dazai were going to ask more about the time at the orphanage, if he wanted to tell them he would. For now, Chuuya asked Atsushi if he was hungry.

“Hey kid, do you want something to eat? You can have whatever you like just name it.”

“U-Um.. I haven’t really e-eaten much in m-my life..”

“That will change. Do you have any foods you like now?”

“I-It’s stupid…”

“It’s okay just tell me.”

“C-Chazuke…”

    Chuuya grinned at that, so did Dazai. The kid was adorable, getting flustered over chazuke. He honestly expected some grand order of food he wanted to try, not something that simple. But he wasn’t going to deny the boy food so he looked at Dazai and told him to fetch some.

“Chuuya how mean, have I become an errand boy now?”

“Yes, now go.”

“Chuuuuuuuuya.”

    Dazai whined but walked out the door regardless. Chuuya noticed how Atsushi smiled at their banters, he did yesterday as well. He most likely has never seen conversations like theirs, as much as it pissed Chuuya off to be around the bastard sometimes, he would gladly converse with Dazai just for the sake of Atsushi. 

 

He wouldn’t tell anyone that though

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaa! Who do you guys think Atsushi should meet first from the ADA? Comments/suggestions are always appreciated <333  
> (END SUMMARY thing that I promised), basically! Atsushi is at the ADA with Chuuya and Dazai, in the nurse room or whatever. So yeah~  
> Really and truly thank you for all the kudos, hits, everything so far! They really keep me going :^)


	11. Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atsushi meets Yosano!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vomit and Urine drinking in this chapter! I mean... the tags should be the warning for this entire fic but just in case, it's only there for a bit I swear, if you wanna skip then just ignore the long paragraphs in italics. ALSO all your comments on the last chapter were so helpful! I saw so many Fukuzawa and don't worry, they will interact! Along with the other Agency members.

    The situation didn’t fully hit Atsushi until he was given a bowl of chazuke. With chopsticks. Chopsticks! He nearly cried when he was handed them, maybe he did a little bit but that’s besides the point. He was  _ allowed  _ to use them! Though he did try and eat with just his mouth like he was used to, that only got a scolding from Chuuya. Of course he felt guilty and apologized. Atsushi didn’t know how to act around Dazai and Chuuya. Everything he ever knew has changed in the span of only a few days. He was so terrified to mess up, disappoint them. They were so kind to something like him, he couldn’t bear to be hated by them. Atsushi is still convinced they want him as a pet or something. I mean, why else would they bother to be around him? The air became disgusting just because of him. They haven’t approached him for his body yet, was it because he was too skinny? Maybe they wanted to wait? But no client ever bothered with that. They’re different and Atsushi can’t quite place a finger on it. He wanted to be a good pet for them until they did something. Chuuya already scolded him for his pathetic attempt at seducing him the other day. Atsushi wouldn't do that again, he would wait. Maybe he will try and learn to clean, cook? What kind of things do they like? Will he even be going back to Chuuya’s home? What if they just leave him in this unknown place? It wouldn’t surprise him, he had caused so much trouble already with his break down. So weak and worthless, why did they even help him?

“Atsushi~”

“Y-Yes!”

“Do you want to walk?”

Walk... Walk? 

“W-W-What? W-Why would I-I even… I-It has been s-so long..”

“You can’t exactly crawl forever. That can’t be good for your bones.”

“U-Um.”

    What on earth was Dazai saying? Was he insane? Why would a pet like him walk? Walking was something only the worthy and privileged did, and Atsushi was far from either. When was the last time he even tried to walk? Both eating with something other than his bare hands… and now walking….

_     I got thrown into isolation after being whipped mercilessly for god knows how long, my back was covered in blood… it hurt so much. I was so so stupid, trying to walk and trying to eat with a utensil, how pathetic of a pet can I be? I don’t deserve that, I’m a filthy pig, a slave to my owners, I deserved the beating I got.  _

_     When I’m in isolation I talk to my friend, well I don’t know what it is exactly, maybe an animal? I don’t know animals very well, it has huge blue eyes and white fur. It doesn’t talk to me, but it visits in my dreams or here in isolation. I don’t mind, I can distract myself. It keeps me sane, even though it’s something unknown. _

_     The door opens later, I don’t know when, all I see is darkness in here. The Headmaster held up a metal contraption of some sort with a sadistic grin on his face. I couldn’t hold back a whimper as he yanked on my hair and forced it in my mouth, my jaw couldn’t move, my mouth was forced and held open by the metal thing. The Headmaster usually leaves me alone in isolation, was I really that bad of a pet? I truly can't do anything right.  _

_     Next thing I know there’s a familiar pair of fingers being shoved down my throat, I gag on them as they reach as far as they can go. I choke and cough on the hand and stare at the man with tear filled eyes. It’s so painful, I swear his nails scratch my insides and soon after I feel something come up my throat. I silently sob as I retch on the floor, the single piece of bread I had now out of my stomach. The taste is so horrid and I end up dry heaving, it’s not like I eat much here. I look up at the Headmaster with pleading eyes but he’s far from done. I don’t even know why he’s here- no wait, it’s my fault no matter how you look at it, it’s always my fault. The metal thing is taken off my mouth and my head drops down a bit. _

_ “Open your mouth and drink what I give you. Close it and you’ll get a beating worse than earlier.” _

_     I shudder at the words, the wounds still burn and sting with every movement I make. I hear his zipper opening and he starts to jack himself off in front of my face. I opened my mouth, not having much choice to do otherwise. The Headmaster doesn’t take long to finish and he cums in my mouth, the all too familiar taste seeping down my throat, I swallow unwillingly. _

_ “Keep your mouth open slut, this is still a punishment.” _

_     Confused, I look up at him. He already came in my mouth what more does he nee- _

_ Oh _ .

_ Fuck, no, please. _

_     He must have seen the realization and fear on my face as I tensed up.  _

_ “Guess you’re not as stupid as I thought, pet.” _

_     I’m sobbing as quietly as I can as he urinates in my mouth. It tastes so disgusting and the smell makes me want to retch again. Once my mouth is full of hot and smelly liquid, he forces my jaw shut, some urine spilling on the floor and mixing in with my vomit. _

_ “Don’t you dare spit it out whore, juices from your master should make you fucking grateful, regardless if it’s your punishment.” _

_     I clench my eyes shut and swallow, I can't handle another beating today, I’m already such a worthless failure of a pet. The urine goes into my stomach and it feels uncomfortable but I don’t dare say anything, I opened my mouth and show him my tongue. _

_ “Good boy, now you made a mess. Lick it up like the fucking pig you are. If you throw up in the process you’re eating that too, this will be your food for the next few days.” _

_     I stared at him in shock. Was he serious? Lick the floor with his piss and my vomit? I couldn’t silence my sobs anymore. _

_ “Did I fucking stutter?” _

_     He slammed my head against the wall so hard I got black spots in my vision. _

_ “N-No sir..” _

_ “Get to work then.” _

__

~~~~~

 

    Atsushi quickly set the bowl of food aside as the flashbacks came back, not hungry anymore. He went to scratch his neck, missing the comfort of the collar. He pulled his knees up and began shaking as tears formed. He tried to be as silent as he could, fearing the Headmaster would hear him again.

“Atsushi?”

    He whimpered and scratched harder at his neck unconsciously, he moved back to the wall, fearing another beating. He’s so disgraceful and gross, truly an awful pet. 

“He looks really out of it.”

“Well the fuck are we supposed to do?”

“Go find Yosano, maybe she can calm him down. I know nothing about this.”

    Atsushi was oblivious to the conversation happening, he was still in isolation. Just finished cleaning the floor with his pathetic mess. The Headmaster told him good job, tossed him a knife and left him to it. Oh how he deserved it. He deserves worse than everything that’s happened to him. He’s grateful he gets food every few days or so, has a bed, a roof over his head. He owes the Headmaster if anything. Even the Headmaster tells him how he should be indebted to him. The Headmaster would never lie to Atsushi, and frankly he agrees.

“Where is he?”

“There.”

“Atsushi? Hey talk to me, where are you right now?”

   It takes a moment for Atsushi to realize he’s being spoken to, the voice is more gentle than he’s used to. But he’s sure he’ll get slammed into the wall soon anyways.

“I-I-In isolation s-sir.”

“Who do you think I am?”

“T-The H-Headmaster?”

    Atsushi was confused, the Headmaster was acting weird but maybe this was a test of some sort, he stared back, eyes blurry from the tears, maybe he felt blood on his neck but didn’t care.

“I’m going to touch you, just on the shoulder is that fine?”

    Atsushi didn’t answer the voice, why would anyone need permission to touch him? Nobody cared before to ask. He just gave a slight nod just to please the person and felt a hand on his shoulder. It caused him to jump, but the hand felt warm and soft.

“I want you to focus on my hand, on the touch. Can you do that?”

“Mm.”

“Good. Can you tell me what you hear? 3 things.”

“I-I-I hear.. v-voices? A-And u-uh… someone… w-walking? U-Um.. breathing..”

    Atsushi was trying to focus on the sounds, it was hard at first. His mind was filled with the usual demons, but he focused on the hand and the voice.

“Good. Can you focus on breathing? Take deep breaths in and out. 5 breaths in, 8 out.”

    Atsushi followed the orders, shaky and hesitant at first. It took a while and after a few more exercises, he was able to return back to the room.

“W-What?”

“Welcome back, are you okay?”

“Who… Who a-are y-you?”

“Ah of course. My name is Yosano Akiko, just call me Yosano though. I’m the one who patched you up.”

    A girl.. woman? Atsushi has known two women in his life, his old cleaner and his mother. His mother hated him and the cleaner never bothered to talk to him. This.. Yosano.. was really pretty. She had a.. what is that? Something shiny in her hair, it was shaped like something but Atsushi didn’t know what.  Before Atsushi could stop himself, his hand reached out to touch the shiny thing. 

“Atsushi?”

    He whipped his hand back like he got burnt, but he quickly bowed his head down and cried out a string of ‘I’m sorry’.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. Do you want to see it?”

Atsushi looked up at her confused. 

“N-No it-it’s fine ma’am- I-I-I mean Yosano...”

    Look at this, he was already messing up. He could count all his failures from just today on two hands. Guilt washed over him like a storm.

“Here.”

    She was holding out the shiny thing. To him. Giving it  _ to him _ . Why would she do that? What if Atsushi broke it? Or even dirtied it? He looked at Chuuya confused and worried.

“It’s okay Atsushi, you can take it.”

“U-Um… O-Okay… t-t-thank you..”

    He took the shiny thing with shaky hands and went to examine it. It was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. Atsushi couldn't believe he was holding something so pretty. Little did he know how much meaning the small butterfly clip actually had.

“Y-Yosano… if-if you don’t mind m-me asking… w-what is this?”

“It’s a butterfly hair clip! It attaches to your hair! I have had it since I was young, it’s special to me.”

“W-What! T-Then please t-take it back…”

    Yosano frowned at the change but took it back nonetheless.

“Have you seen a butterfly before?”

“N-No what i-is it?”

“It’s a beautiful flying insect! Their wings has all sorts of colours and patterns. One day I can show you pictures of them if you want?”

    Atsushi flushed and ducked his head down. He felt stupid for not knowing these things, things that everyone else seemed to know. He felt stupid for his breakdown as well. The second one today! How much of a burden can he be? He was glad Yosano got him out of it though, her presence was surprisingly nice for a change. He didn’t know women could be nice, He also didn’t know men could be nice but then Chuuya and Dazai strolled along. He was trying not to get excited and hope to stay with them. He shouldn’t be so selfish. Yosano was even offering to show him pictures! These people were too good for something like him.

“I-I’m sorry!”

“For what kid?”

“F-For being s-such a burden… I-I-I made a mess o-of your house C-Chuuya! A-And you a-all had to deal with s-something as l-lowly as me.. I-I’m just a pet.. a-and I-I caused so m-much trouble! P-Please f-forgive me I-I am sorry-“

“Atsushi.”

“I-I know it’s s-stupid to apologize w-when I am so i-in the wrong.. I-I don’t deserve a-any forgiveness…”

“Atsushi stop talking.”

    That shut him up. Dazai has a serious tone to replace his usually cheery one. Great, he already made the man hate him. He knew it wouldn’t last long. God he’s so stupid. He felt tears, again. He was so annoying, crying over everything. Can’t he just be a decent pet for once? Why is he such a failure?

“Don’t refer to yourself as a ‘thing’. You are  _ not _ a thing, you are human. A human with emotions and feelings, a human who is allowed to have those emotions and feelings. You aren’t in that place anymore, you are allowed to cry and talk and do everything you couldn’t. You are allowed to use utensils and walk and go outside, allowed to wear clothes and look at other people. You aren’t lower than anyone else in this room.”

    If Atsushi was crying before, it was nothing compared to the tears flowing now. He was so shocked, shock couldn’t even describe it. Why would Dazai lie? He’s not human, obviously. He’s been a monster his whole life, he’s never had worth, and now suddenly he’s human? It’s so confusing for Atsushi. Are the tears from relief or disbelief? Is he happy at the words or scared? So many thoughts are running through his brain. He wants to believe Dazai he does. He used to dream about being safe and somewhere better. But he learnt how he really was, he was worse than a monster at this point. All the disgusting things he has done… he will only ever be a pet. Yet he wants to be more, does he? Does he really want to be considered a person? Maybe have some worth. But it’s a waste of time, Atsushi is sure he’s a lost cause. Atsushi just sobs into the blanket and turns away from everyone. He doesn’t know how to deal with this, he just wants to sleep. And eventually he seems to drift off.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

**Chuuya’s POV**

 

“Bastard come out in the hall or I’ll kill you right here.”

“Yes yes darling~”

    Chuuya dragged Dazai outside the room by the collar. Atsushi had fallen asleep and  _ nobody _ knew what to do after Dazai’s little speech. Yosano has stayed behind just in case he needed anything.

“Oi shitty Dazai, the hell was that? Are you trying to scare the kid? He’s clearly in a horrible mental state right now!”

“I know what it’s like to not feel human, so I told him what I wanted to hear back then. I’m sure he’s never heard words like that before so I told him! It’s that simple dear, now are you going to keep choking me? Can’t this wait until the bedroom?”

“Tsk, you wish.”

   Chuuya knew there was more reason behind it, but he also knew he wouldn’t get an answer if he asked. Shitty Dazai had been in his ‘serious mode’ ever since Atsushi came around, which was a relief for Chuuya. Who wants to deal with his usual behaviour?

“I-I just… you saw him Dazai. He was so out of it.. he didn’t even recognize who we were. He looked so.. terrified and panicked and.. god those fuckers deserved a more painful death than I gave them. And where the hell did the Headmaster go? The son of a bitch ran away! He did so many things to Atsushi and god knows what else, we might never know the extent of! And his ability? How did the Headmaster keep it dormant? He’s not an ability user how did he use a collar to keep it away? Was it another person's ability? I’ve never even heard of something like that! I’m gonna fucking kill them all after I skin them and torture them as I please.”

    Chuuya finished his ranting and started to storm off before a bandaged arm wrapped around his neck.

“Now now Chuuya don’t make any rash decisions. I understand I do, I wanna kill them too, I hate what they did to Atsushi. But right now we gotta be there for him so he trusts us more yeah? We will find the Headmaster and figure out everything with his ability but we have to go about this logically okay shortie?”

“Who are you calling shortie?!”

“Woah woah! Chuuya you’re so mean! I’m just trying to comfort my boyfriend, oh you wound me!”

    Dazai, as usual, swiftly blocked the incoming blow from Chuuya. Chuuya hated when the bastard is right, which is always. But no way in hell was he saying that out loud. He needed to be there for the kid, Dazai can call him a softie all he wants. What can he say? Atsushi has grown on him.

“Tsk. So how come I haven’t gotten pummeled by any member of the Agency yet?”

“Oh! Oh! Are you scared?”

“What?! Of course not! It’s just weird they let me walk in and didn’t even question it.”

“Well I might have called the President before hand and told him the situation!”

“You- Where did you even find the time to do that?”

    Dazai gave a playful grin. Guess he’s back to his childish self now. Maybe it’s Atsushi, at least for Chuuya he has to try extra hard to not break things or yell like he usually does. The kid sure has an interesting effect on them.

“We gotta take him to see the President though.”

“Oi Dazai let the kid get some sleep at least, he went through two massive breakdowns, he deserves it.”

“I’m not so heartless to deny him sleep! We should at least update him before Atsushi wakes  up though.”

“Tsk. Lead the way.”

    Chuuya was really trying to not pull a fight with Dazai right now. His body was itching to punch anything or any one. Yet he kept his composure for the sake of Atsushi. Chuuya was sure he would be panicked when he woke, confused and scared as usual. He didn’t even know how to walk for god’s sake! Or more like he hasn’t walked in a very long time. Regardless, Chuuya needs to help him with that. Once he gets some meat on him maybe Chuuya will secretly teach him some martial arts. He smirked at the thought of going behind Dazai’s back. Knowing all too well the man will somehow find out anyways, it’s still fun to think about. They approached the President’s office, or real name being Yukichi Fukuzawa. Chuuya would rather not meet with the man, just imaging how his boss would react made him frown. So, Chuuya kept telling himself this was all for Atsushi’s sake and walked through the office doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, I can't seem to give Atsushi a break! Also if you happened to notice... the way I wrote changed a bit? I'm trying things out and I think I like this way better, but let me know what you guys think!  
> .......yes i know every chapter seems to get longer in length... I swear I will get an average chapter length...maybe... one day.  
> Thank you for all the comments last chapter???? Like you guys are such great readers I appreciate every single one of you <3333  
> And yes I know Akutagawa is in the tags, I swear he will actually show up D: Wow lots of notes! Anyways thanks so much for reading and giving kudos!


	12. Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astushi meets Fukuzawa and learns what the Agency really does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaa! I hope Chuuya wasn't too out of character in this chapter, I am trying to include bits of his usual personality here and there. But as you can guess, he can't be his usual short tempered self around Atsushi given the situation :(  
> Also sorry for changing the POV so much I hope it doesn't bother you guys that much D:  
> Anyways enjoy the chapter!

**Chuuya’s POV**

 

    Chuuya had just left the office to go retrieve Atsushi. Dazai was still chatting with Fukuzawa, and Chuuya wasn’t exactly the most welcomed person in the Agency, so he was left out of their conversation. He was there for the topic of the boy’s mysterious ability and what they would do with him. His ability could appear once he’s more healthy, or not appear for a while, the lasting effects of the collar are unknown. Even Fukuzawa was a bit confused how the Headmaster created a collar to suppress abilities, got away with it for many years, while not having an ability himself. Chuuya was only 95% sure he didn’t have an ability though. It was truly baffling. So here he was, going to check on Atsushi and see if he’s able to meet the President. Yet, he knocked on the door only to receive coughs in response. 

“I’m coming in.”

    Chuuya was met with Yosano at the door, who looked like a very concerned mother.

“Seems like the bowl of chazuke was too much for his stomach, even though he only had a few bites.”

    Anger formed inside him, once again that day. He hated how malnourished the kid was and wanted nothing more than to get some meat on his bones.

“C-Chuu..ya?”

    Atsushi weakly croaked at him, staring with teary eyes. He was crouched over a bucket on the floor, where the bucket came from, Chuuya could only guess.

“Oi don’t talk after something like that. Give me a second, you need to drink some water.”

    Chuuya quickly left the room to grab a glass of water. Really not caring about the few Agency members who tensed up when he walked by. He sped back to the room and handed the boy the glass.

“T-Thank you.. s-s-sorry for the m-mess.. I’ll clean i-it up right a-away please don’t be t-too angry..”

“We are the ones who gave you food that’s not too light on the stomach when you’re malnourished. Don’t apologize kid.”

“B-But..”

“Shh.”

    Chuuya cut off the boy’s sobs and reached over to pet his hair, being very slow and careful with his actions and making sure the boy knew what he was doing.

“I-I don’t remember the l-last time I ate… I-I’m sorry I ruined t-things..”

“Hey it’s okay, we will start slow okay? You’ll be able to eat chazuke and anything you want soon enough.”

“Mm..”

    Atsushi leaned into Chuuya’s hand and he can't deny that his heart dropped a bit. The fact that Atsushi was accepting his touch was both surprising and touching, but Chuuya knew that the boy has probably never been touched like this. So he stroked his hair, only using one hand so he wouldn’t scare Atsushi away. Yosano had left the room after Atsushi calmed down and stopped coughing, carrying the bucket with her.

“How are you feeling?”

“F-Fine now… t-thank you sir-Chuuya..”

    Chuuya smiled softly at the kid, glad they were alone. He rarely gives a genuine smile.

“Atsushi? Do you think you would be up for meeting someone? It’s very important if you want to stay here.”

“O-Oh. I-Is this person n-nice?”

“Well I assume so. He cares a lot for the people here. I guess I haven’t explained yet, we are currently at the Armed Detective Agency’s building. If you’re okay with meeting the President, you’ll learn what this place is and everything okay? Do you think you can handle it?”

    If Dazai heard those words come out of his mouth he would never hear the end of it. Making Chuuya even more glad they were alone.

“I-I-I… will y-you be with m-me…?”

    Atsushi spoke quietly, red tinting his cheeks as he looked away. The boy was embarrassed! How adorable.

“Of course kid, Dazai is currently in the President’s office as well. Can I carry you there? Do you want some more water first?”

“Um… water..later.. b-b-but I can j-just crawl.. y-you carried me s-so much already…”

“Atsushi, nobody here crawls, wouldn't that be embarrassing?”

    Chuuya already knew the answer but he wanted Atsushi to open up to him more, even though anger courses through him every time they talked about the orphanage.

“N-No. Why would i-it? I-I.. walking is something o-only t-the worthy deserve..I am used t-to crawling... I-I-I haven’t walked in… um… I.. don’t remember h-how old I-I am.. b-but at least over 5 y-years…I think.. I-I don’t… I don’t.. deserve t-to walk…”

    It was 6 years. He had seen the file from the Headmaster and it said the boy had been there 6 years. Without walking. It was fucking insane. Teaching children to act like animals and saying only the worthy walk? Chuuya once again that day, had to try and contain his anger. Atsushi opened up to him, even a bit, that itself was a huge thing. Chuuya was aware that the boy’s mindset was very twisted and that it would take a lot of time to heal. He didn’t care, he would be there for the kid as best he could. All while plotting a gruesome death for the Headmaster.

“Hey, shh. Look in my eyes yeah? Good. Listen, you’re allowed to walk here, walking is something that everyone is allowed to do. Your legs will need training and practice to build muscle and strength up again but I will help you okay? You aren’t there anymore, things are different here. We can take it slow okay? You deserve it I promise. I don’t make promises lightly either but I have and will for you.”

    Chuuya knew Atsushi was struggling to believe his words by the look on his face. He really was an open book. There was hope flashed across his face though, which means he wasn’t completely gone in his mind. Good. Chuuya gave him a reassuring smile and rubbed his head once again. Atsushi reminded him of a cat, the way he sat on his knees and leaned into the touch, then he cursed himself for thinking that, knowing his clients probably thought the same, but worse.

“T-Thank you Chuuya… u-um.. can… c-can.. uh..”

“What is it?”

    The poor boy was furiously blushing, a conflicted look on his face like he was debating between life and death.

“C-C-Can you c-carry me t-t-this time… If-If that’s o-okay! Y-you don’t have to…”

    Atsushi looked on the verge of tears at this point.

“Of course I can, I offered first didn’t I? First let’s get you wrapped in a blanket at least yeah? What happened to the pajamas I gave you?”

“Oh.. Yos..a.. Yosano? Y-Yosano. She said she w-was washing t-them.. a-after you guys l-left.”

“I see. Well lucky for you I’m feeling up for making a burrito Atsushi today.”

“W-w-wh-“

    Atsushi interrupted himself by a squeal as Chuuya suddenly wrapped him in a blanket. Literally making a burrito Atsushi. The expression on his face was priceless. Poor Atsushi looked so confused and tried to wiggle out but Chuuya stopped him.

“I said I was making a burrito. I guess you don’t know what that is… That’s okay! I just wrapped you up all snug since you’re not wearing clothes and I don’t want you to be cold-“

   Giggles. Wait… giggles? Chuuya looked down at the burrito and sure enough, Atsushi was quietly giggling into his trapped hands.

“T-Thank you a-again.. I-I feel warm and s-soft..”

“Hm. Of course, now let’s head to the President shall we?”

“Mhm.”

    Atsushi was still a flustered mess and it was so adorable. And he even giggled, something that Chuuya didn’t think he deserved to hear. It was a good start though and his heart nearly melted at the show of opening up and trust. He didn’t miss the panic that went through Atsushi at being wrapped up, nor did he comment on it, but it quickly dissolved which Chuuya was happy to see. He picked the boy up bridal style and began walking to the office, internally smiling at how the boy leaned against his chest. He was really starting to get protective over the kid wasn’t he?

 

**Atsushi’s POV**

 

   The blanket was soft and smelt like flowers, so different from the sheets he was used to. When Chuuya first wrapped him in the blanket he panicked and expected to be tied up again or something, but it didn’t happen. He called him a burrito, and Atsushi didn’t know what that was but he thought it was funny how the man worried over something as small as his temperature. Atsushi really hoped Chuuya didn’t turn on him and abandon him in the future, though he wouldn’t be surprised what so ever. He just hoped this.. whatever it was, lasted a while. Chuuya was different to him, he even said he could walk! He already had a panic attack earlier when he got asked that, so he was glad it didn’t happen again. Atsushi didn’t know if he would ever get used to walking again, or if he even wanted to. It was too scary. He unknowingly pressed into Chuuya’s chest as he was carried to see the unknown man. ‘President’ , Chuuya had said. He’s never called a client that before, it’s usually ‘Sir’ and ‘Master’, or ‘Owner’ and ‘Daddy’... there were others but they wasn’t as common. He wondered what this ‘President’ was like. Chuuya said he was nice but that doesn’t mean he will be nice to Atsushi. He hasn’t done anything to deserve kindness from the man after all. He can only hope for the best at this point, if they decide to up and kill him off he wouldn’t fight back.

“We are here.”

 It’s not like he has anything else to do anyways. Yosano was nice.. Atsushi liked her. The first woman to speak with him like he was a human, even though he knows he’s a monster. It felt comforting. Her presence in general was comforting, a different kind from Chuuya’s comfort. He couldn’t quite describe it.

“Atsushi.”

“O-Oh! Sorry…”

“What were you thinking about?”

“J-Just how y-you are all different.. I-I am not used to t-this…”

“You’ll get used to it soon enough, there will only be more and better things ahead.”

“Oh..”

    What did he mean by that? Better things? What are better things? Atsushi couldn't think of anything, he was alive. But was that a better thing? Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t alive since life is too painful. Is death the better thing? Is Chuuya’s kindness, Dazai’s understanding, and Yosano’s comfort a better thing? Maybe, but he truly didn’t know.

“Atsushi stop zoning out, as much as I don’t mind it, we shouldn’t keep them waiting too long.”

“I-I’m so-!”

“Hush, don’t apologize.”

    Atsushi shut his mouth. He didn’t know what else to say if not apologize. Chuuya knocked on the door and after hearing a faint ‘come in’, he led them inside. Atsushi immediately hid his face in his hands, as best he could wrapped in a blanket. He saw Dazai give them a curious glance and was sure he probably looked strange. 

“Dazai don’t even say it.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“You were thinking it. Anyways I brought Atsushi, he’s a bit shy and nervous around people, so don’t be too scary.”

“Of course.”

    He peeked out of his hands and looked over to the unfamiliar voice. Was this the President? His hair was white.. silver.. grey? One of those and he was wearing a weird green blanket. He turned to whisper to Chuuya.

“Why is h-he also wearing a-a blanket? I-Is he cold t-too?

“What?”

“...”

    Dazai suddenly burst into laughter and Chuuya glared at him. 

“Ohhh Atsushi that was too good! You hear that President? Nice blanket you got there!”

    H-How did he even hear Atsushi? Oh god what if the President got mad at him? Was it not a blanket? He turned back into Chuuya’s chest out of guilt and embarrassment. He heard the low voice chuckle.

“It’s called a yukata Atsushi. It’s alright, you didn’t know the name of it. I suppose I should introduce myself but why don’t you sit down first?”

“O-Oh!”

    Atsushi quickly scrambled out of Chuuya’s arms, not wanting to leave but, he took the President’s words as an order. He lowered himself on the ground and knelt in front of the desk, the blanket falling off in the process and revealing a very naked and very bandaged Atsushi.

“No Atsushi he meant on the couch here.”

“W-Why?”

“Remember what we said? Things are different here, it’s okay come sit beside me.”

“S-Sorry…”

    Atsushi crawled to the couch where Chuuya sat and climbed next to him. Chuuya then rewrapped him in the blanket. Atsushi didn’t even notice it fell off in the first place. He was used to being naked. His focus turned to the couch under him though. It felt bouncy but it was comfortable. He tested out the bounciness of it and his face lit up when he sunk further down, his guilt and fear washing away. He looked back at Chuuya with wide and excited eyes. The couch bounced! Or sunk. It moved and it felt weird but it made him giggle.

“Atsushi what are you doing?”

“I-I-It bounces! C-Chuuya do couches a-always bounce?”

“I suppose so, but don’t bounce too much, you’ll get sick again.”

    Chuuya smiled as Atsushi continued fawning over the couch. The boy missed the soft smiles from the other two men, though Dazai’s quickly turned into a teasing one.

“Darling you are such a mom.”

“Oh shut it.”

    Atsushi remembered why he was there and settled down, fidgeting in his spot. He probably just wasted so much time over the stupid couch because he was stupid and acted like a stupid kid. Stupid stupid.

“Now, I’m sure you already guessed but I am the President of the Agency, Yukichi Fukuzawa. Dazai here has filled me in on your situation and I have to ask you… do you know what this place is and what we do?”

“N-No sir?”

“The Armed Detective Agency. We are a group who usually deals with crimes too violent for the Military to handle. Most of the time though, the cases involve abilities users. Nearly all of the detectives here have abilities and we work to protect the city.”

   Abilities? Military? Crimes? So many new and confusing words were being thrown at him and he didn’t understand. His confusion must have shown on his face as the President continued.

“The Port Mafia is another group similar to ours. Except it’s an underground organization and deals with… different situations than ours, but no need to discuss them now. I assume you don’t know what ability users are?”

“N-No.. sorry sir..”

“Chuuya would you mind demonstrating something for Atsushi here?”

“You sure? The kid might freak out when I suddenly go in the air.”

“It is better to show than tell, if you would please.”

    Atsushi heard Chuuya sigh and get off the couch, the movement causing him to panic slightly. He watched as Chuuya suddenly glowed a red colour and lifted in the air. Atsushi gasped and his mouth dropped in awe. He was.. he was..

“H-How?!”

“This is my ability, For The Tainted Sorrow, it allowes me to manipulate and make gravitons, and alter the gravity of anything I touch- I guess you don’t understand any of that, um. Basically I can walk on walls and ceilings and other things I can explain later.”

“T-T-That’s so cool! C-Chuuya you are more cool than I-I thought!”

“Are you saying I wasn’t cool before?”

“N-No! I just.. um.. t-this makes you more c-cool!”

“Hmmph-oi Dazai the hell?”

    Atsushi had been so distracted staring at Chuuya that he failed to notice Dazai sneak up behind them and grab Chuuya on the arm, causing him to fall back to the ground.

“I only thought it was fair to show my ability as well! Wanna see Atsushi? I bet I am even cooler than Chuuya!”

“What? Hey you bastard-“

“Yes yes dear I hear you. Anyways! My ability is called, No Longer Human, it allows me to nullify others abilities from simply skin to skin contact! I don’t need any extra work like our ChuChu here! I basically keep him everyone in check when they decide to get too crazy.”

    Atsushi was just shocked speechless at this point. He would be a fool to not believe this, he just saw it in front of his very own eyes. Abilities exist.. stuff like this exists.. no wonder Dazai and Chuuya are so cool! They walk around with confidence because they deserve to do so! Oh how Atsushi adored them, wait, he adored them? That’s a new feeling. Maybe he was jealous, yeah that was it.

“I-I-I… why are y-you all t-telling me this?”

   Atsushi asked hesitantly, surely there had to be a reason why they were showing him all this. They didn’t seem like the type of people to do stuff without reason. Wait. That means that saving Atsushi was for a reason… But why would they possibly do it? He wasn’t good for anything and the entire world is unfamiliar to him.

“Because Atsushi, we want you to join the Agency, if you pass the exam of course.”

“B-But I don’t..?”

“That’s the thing, we suspect that you have an ability, in fact you have probably had it for years.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasn't too slow or boring for you guys! This might be the longest chapter I have written so far? It was longer but I cut it a bit because, it would get way too long!  
> I hope you guys liked this chapter :(( again thank you so so much for the kudos and comments I appreciate them so much! <33  
> There will be more Fukuzawa next chapter don't worry! They will talk more about his past situation as well just.. things are going to go slow for a bit. Also if you guys want more scenes with Dazai and Atsushi let me know! Or just anything really, feel free to comment haha


	13. 3 Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I re wrote this chapter like 4 times sorry for the delay!!   
> If this chapter was boring I apologize, it is mostly Atsushi and how his mental state currently is? How he thinks and all that. I'm not going to speed past his recovery process, it will obviously take a long time for him to be even close to okay again, so I hope you guys don't mind too much!

    Somehow the conversation trailed off into bickering between Dazai and Chuuya. Atsushi didn’t even know how it happened but they seemed to completely forget the reason they were there.

“So, how did the Headmaster not recognize my name? He didn’t seem to think twice about it.”

“You gave him your real name dear?”

“Well, yeah, if he’s working in the underground business he would have recognized my face anyways. Did he purposely let me in the orphanage? Why would he do that? Especially if he knew about Atsushi’s ability.”

“Maybe.. but that’s a conversation for another day when we are alone.”

“W-Wait…”

“Fine fine. So shitty Dazai, we have any ideas for the collar yet?”

“No, but it is probably an ability user who can cancel out or hide another’s ability when they wear a collar or a certain metal, maybe even a certain material in the collar.”

“What if his ability appears at my house? What if it’s a super out of control one?”

“That’s why I’m crashing at your place darling~”

“As if I want you around my place!”

“U-Um..”

“Atsushi needs a calm and quiet environment to learn everything he needs! You are loud and annoying Dazai.”

“What! I am very calm and quiet thank you! If anything you’re the loud one, you always yell at me.”

“Um…”

“You couldn’t be quiet if your life depended on it, always singing weird songs and shit! I only yell at you because you’re annoying!”

“Oh I can be so-“

“Ahem, Atsushi is trying to say something.”

    The President cleared his throat, hearing Atsushi’s ‘um’ and saving the poor kid from their bickering any longer. The duo paused and looked at him. He was visibly on edge and looked uncomfortable.

“Sorry..I just… t-this is all a l-lot to handle… y-you say I have an ability.. I-I don’t doubt you.. I’m-I’m sure you know more t-than me.. I just.. d-don’t know what I can d-do.. I.. I have never.. been outside except t-today.. I-I don’t know anything? Say my ability comes.. w-what then? I-I am useless”

“Right now sure, you don’t know as much as everyone else. But that’s perfectly okay and understandable given your situation. I’m sure once you meet the other Agency members they would love to teach you new things and help you out. At the moment all we can do is get some food in you, and teach you all you need to know.”

    The President spoke calmly. How can he be so calm? He seems to carry himself well. Atsushi was a bit nervous around him at first, he’s the same age as all his past clients, or seems to be. Atsushi still is unsure of him, but he’s patient with Atsushi, and that’s rare for older people, he usually gets hit when he takes too long to respond or anything for that matter. He tilts his head to the side and scratches the side of his face nervously, suppressing a wince at his bandages moving on his arms. If he was any normal person, he would be complaining and wanting to rest instead of being up and about, but nobody needed to know he was hurting. He was used to this, though he was never properly bandaged like this before. It felt a bit strange, to be wrapped up and cared for. Atsushi didn’t think he could ever get used to it, and he wouldn’t dare try to, that would just be extremely selfish of him.

“I-I would just be a b-burden then sir ..”

“Not at all. We could use someone like you around here, someone nice and caring. You can even start small if you want, just helping the members here and there until your ability comes and we are ready to properly understand it. If you don’t want to help out right away, you can go back to Chuuya’s house and get better there until you want to come here again. Whatever you decide, nobody here will mind. Also you can just call me President like everyone else at the Agency does if you wish.”

    What should he do? He wrapped the blanket tighter around himself, his face pensive. Should he ask Chuuya? He might get in trouble for asking something though. Just because he can respond to people freely doesn’t mean he can ask questions here. Again, that would be selfish of him. He really doesn’t want to mess up and have them get angry sooner than later. Maybe that thought in itself is selfish though. Why does nobody want him saying ‘sir’ either? Atsushi thought it was just the polite and proper thing to do. So far he hasn’t got punished for not saying it but… better safe than sorry. He noticed that he was clean from his client, he wanted to ask and kept glancing at Chuuya nervously. Honestly he could only tell because that stickiness was gone, yet he didn’t remember showering. He didn’t know how to respond to the President so he focused on why he was clean.

“Do you want to say something Atsushi?”

“H-Huh?! N-No.. it’s d-dumb..”

“I bet it’s not, you can ask anything you want to.”

“Um… w-why am I clean?”

“Clean?”

“F-From my client.. y-you saw how ... used.. I-I-I was.. who.. cleaned me?”

“Ah, Yosano probably cleaned you when she bandaged you up and changed your clothes, I hope you don’t mind, I bet she couldn’t stand to leave you like that.”

“O-Oh.. Oh right! I-I-I am so sorry f-for ruining your clothes.. p-please.. forgive me I-I wasn’t thinking a-and I dirtied them.. I’m s-so sorry.. I-I’m sorry…”

“Atsushi it’s quite alright, we can get you new ones. Before you say anything else, no I don’t mind buying them and you need them anyways. When was the last time you wore clothes?”

“.....”

“Exactly. I promise it’s okay kid.”

    He really felt guilty. He needed to repay the man in any way he could. Maybe Dazai could show him to clean and cook? Then he would clean every day for them, until they decided they wanted his body. Yes, Chuuya said they didn’t want that, but the future is uncertain, so Atsushi would remember to prepare himself every morning just in case. He would surely get punished if he wasn’t prepared for whenever they decided to use him. It would be less painful for him anyways, though of course lots of clients liked tearing him. Preparing himself beforehand became a rule a few years later since it made him incapable of accepting clients for a while if he didn’t, and Atsushi was the Headmaster’s best pet after all, he couldn’t afford to miss a session. Much to the client’s dismay, they had to accept the new rule. Atsushi was grateful he was spared the pain of tearing, but that doesn’t mean his clients went any easier on him. They always found ways to work around the rules, he probably deserved it anyways. Atsushi had this, gut feeling you could say, that Chuuya and Dazai were different. Yes, he keeps thinking this, and yes, they would eventually use him as they please, surely they would, but maybe they would use him differently. Maybe they would be more… gentle, about it, even though he deserves less than that. He was scared to get separated from Chuuya, until his thoughts were proven wrong, he didn’t want to leave. Atsushi could accept being a pet for him, whenever he was wanted hat way of course, for now maybe he could simply.. be there with Chuuya. His thoughts were interrupted by the President coughing slightly.

“So Atsushi have you thought about what I said a bit?”

“I… I-I wanna stay.. stay with.. C-Chuuya for a bit more… if-if that’s okay! Y-You can j-just kick me o-out whenever…”

“Hah? I wouldn’t have brought you to my house if I didn’t plan on letting you stay there kid. You can stay as long as you need, don’t worry.”

    Atsushi looked down at his toes, that were peeking out of the blanket. He wondered what would happen next. After his body gets more ‘healthy’ would they change their mind and throw him away? He has often been told that his scrawny and underweight body makes him more feminine. He knows that a dress supposedly looks nice on him because of it, but he has never seen himself before so he wouldn’t know. Maybe they wanted to feed him and treat him like a dog? But if that was the case why would they want to show him how to walk? Dogs don’t walk, he knows that much. Yet, Atsushi didn’t know what they wanted from him and it scared him. They haven’t explained much to him and he was too nervous to ask anything. He felt the President look at him a bit longer before speaking again.

“Very well, as he said, take all the time you need. Dazai will also be there in case your ability shows up randomly and we can’t control it. Don’t worry it’s nothing to be scared of. When you are able to walk again you can meet the other Agency members if you want, how does that sound?”

“G-Good.. I guess.. t-thank you sir..”

    He just wanted to go back to Chuuya’s house, he already missed the comfort of the place, regardless if he had a breakdown there. Atsushi hoped the mess he made wasn’t too bad, he would never be forgiven otherwise. Curse him and his idiotic brain, couldn’t he have had a normal night for once without ruining things? Everything at the Agency was so unfamiliar and as much as he tried to not be scared of the President, he was sure his wariness showed on his face. So far he was kind to him, but he has had clients that were nicer and then turned out to be the cruelest ones. He had to cancel a client once because he was still recovering days after the session, and that led to lots of harsh punishments from the Headmaster and an even more rough time with the client once he recovered, this wasn’t even regarding the tearing incident. He trembled a bit as the memories went through his head. He couldn’t have another breakdown here, they definitely wouldn’t want him anymore.

    So, Atsushi tried to stop his shaking and instead looked at Dazai. The three other men had apparently started their own conversation while Atsushi was in his thoughts. He still couldn’t hear their words so he focused on the bandages on the man. The scars were similar to Atsushi’s. He wasn’t that dumb to know that Dazai did them willingly. Of course, so did Atsushi, but not at first. Just like everything at the orphanage. Still, Atsushi didn’t know the difference between his own wants and other people’s. He has never been allowed to want something, or have a say in anything, he learnt to accept everything given to him despite if he liked it or not. And as much as he wanted to leave this place now, he wouldn’t dare say that. He shouldn’t appear ungrateful and rude to the people who are tolerating his presence, something that Atsushi is sure isn’t easy.

“Psssst.”

    Atsushi heard a weird sound close to his ear, and it scared him so much he flipped around with a yelp and fell off the couch. 

“W-Wha.. Dazai w-what are you doing?”

   The man in question was nonchalantly sitting on the back of the couch, like he didn’t just scare the daylights out of Atsushi. He swore he was near the President just a second ago, how did he get over there so fast?

“Shitty Dazai the hell are you doing?”

“I just wanted to talk to him!”

“Talking and scaring are different things you know.”

“I would never scare him! Right Atsushi?”

“Um…”

“Don’t bother Atsushi, you can ignore him. Save your brain cells.”

“Chuuya you’re such a meanie! I simply wanted to know if Atsushi liked tea!”

“Tsk. Then ask him like a normal person would!”

“Yes yes. Atsushiiiii have you had tea before?”

“What..What i-is that?”

“Gasp! Chuuya he’s never had tea! Oh my god! Be right back!”

    Yes, Dazai said the word ‘gasp’ instead of actually gasping before he ran out in a frenzy. Immediately Atsushi felt guilty for not knowing what tea was. He truly was pathetic, he didn’t know what anything was, he curled into himself more, not even bothering to get up off the floor. The floor was where he belonged.

“Oi I can guess what you’re thinking and don’t. It’s only normal you wouldn’t know what things are, nobody blames you for it. You’ll learn in due time okay?”

“O-Okay..”

    Atsushi still felt guilty. How could he not? He went to scratch his neck as his thoughts started to spiral yet again. 

“I’m back I’m back! Atsushi! Atsushi!”

    Aaaaaand it wasn’t that long before the loud man burst back into the room holding a variety of things that Atsushi couldn’t name. The loud man distracted Atsushi from his thoughts. Whatever it was that he had, smelled really good and it took all Atsushi’s willpower to not ask to smell it more.

“Okay! I have green tea, jasmine tea, strawberry tea, sugar, cream, and the pot!”

“Why the hell did you bring so many? This isn’t a tea party, we could have made some back at the house.”

“But I’m sure Atsushi wants some now! Besides, I brought everyone’s favourites.”

“You’re probably scaring the kid again just by breathing. You’re so loud.”

    They began to bicker yet again. Atsushi felt like they were less hesitant to be loud around him, of course, it still surprises him and makes him nervous. He’s just glad they aren’t hiding their true selves from him like he’s something fragile. What he didn’t realize was that Dazai was trying to cheer him up a bit. The two men weren’t oblivious to the fact that Atsushi found some humour in their bickering, and wanted him to be more comfortable. Dazai seems like a strange man, but it’s a good kind of strange. Atsushi thought back to the ‘tea’, it looked weird as Dazai scooped some out and put it in the supposed pot. He’s never seen any of these items before and he couldn’t help but turn his head to the side in confusion. Atsushi didn’t realize at the time, but he looked just like a cat, perched on the floor with his head tilted, staring in curiority.

“Hm hm hm~”

    He recognized the humming as something Atsushi has done himself, of course it was to make the client finish faster in his mouth. He has learnt many skills in his life, skills nobody his age should know but ones he knows anyways. Atsushi was quite confused why Dazai was doing that when he clearly wasn’t trying to pleasure anyone. Obviously he has nothing intruding his mouth, Atsushi didn’t know any other reason for humming. So, being the closest and the one Atsushi felt most comfortable with so far, he turned to Chuuya for help.

“C-C..Chuuya…?”

“Yes?”

“Why.. uh.. t-this is weird.. w-why is Dazai h-humming? I..I-I have only done t-that when I needed to.. make t-the client.. u-um.. finish faster… B-But he i-isn’t sucki-“

“No no no. Atsushi let me stop you right there. I don't even know how to respond oh god um.. First of all, humming isn’t something people usually do for.. reasons other than simply humming. To sing a song when you are in a good mood or another, you don’t.. oh god Atsushi listen.. that kind of thing doesn’t happen here yeah? You don’t need to focus on that I just.. yeah.”

“T-Things sure are strange h-here…”

   Atsushi sighed and pulled his knees to his chest and let his head rest on them. Things really are different on the outside. Could he ever be okay out here? He never went to school, he didn't know how to write, though he could read some words, he only knew of school from his parents having an argument about whether they should send him to one or not, obviously just wanting him gone and out the house for the day. It didn’t end well when Atsushi was stupid enough to ask about it. Anyhow, he literally only knew what he was taught at the orphanage, and he  _ never  _ expected he would leave there, eventually he didn’t want to leave either. It was the only place that tolerated him and he would be sold once he was 18. His body and mind have never been his own so why would he expect a good change to happen? He knows he doesn’t even deserve to sit under Chuuya right now. Chuuya seems like someone important, someone that matters to the world, unlike Atsushi. Atsushi is lower than the dirt on the road, according to the Headmaster at least, and he was never wrong. His only plans for the future were to be as best of a pet he could be, get sold off, hope his owner didn’t get bored quickly and throw him out. Life has a way of surprising you apparently, he still expected to be sold off one day.

“Yeah.. I will be here to help you through it all okay? Same with Dazai.”

“T-Thank y-you.”

   He felt truly in his place, sort of. If you ignore the conversation that just happened and if Atsushi had more bruises on him, he would look more like the pet he is. He was on the ground beside Chuuya, who was still on the couch, he was tempted to kneel beside him and properly be a good pet, but he wasn’t given permission to. The Headmaster made it a rule to always kneel beside him, but the clients had to tell him to. He was always sat on the floor though, and he didn’t mind. Sure the couch was bouncy and fun, but it was too good for him.

“Aha! The tea is done~ Atsushi don’t drink it right away since it will be hot okay?”

“I..okay..”

   He watched as Dazai poured the tea into a cup and poured some other things in. To be honest Atsushi had no clue what he was doing so he didn’t dwell on it too much. Dazai finished pouring the tea and handed a cup to everyone in the room, Atsushi last.

“This is jasmine tea, if you don’t like it you can have a different flavour, just make sure to blow on it before you take a sip okay?”

“W-Why would I blow on i-it?”

“To cool it down a bit! We don’t want you burning your tongue now do we?”

“Mm… t-thanks..”

    The President was already drinking his tea. He hasn’t talked much and Atsushi was a bit grateful for it, he wasn’t ready to have a bunch more conversations. He hesitantly took a sip of the tea, after blowing it a few times, which in itself felt strange to do but he listened to Dazai. The tea itself smelled extremely nice, once the liquid hit his tongue he immediately gasped. The taste was so.. sweet and warm, he couldn’t describe the sensation but he knew he loved it already. Atsushi had to stop himself from chugging the whole glass in one gulp, deciding not to burn himself today. He heard a few low chuckles as he fawned over the tea.

“T-T-This is s-so good!!”

“I’m glad you like it! Jasmine tea is quite beneficial to the body, though it’s a hassle to get! It comes from China you see, if you want the good stuff it’s better to get it from there. Don’t worry though I have a huge stock of it.” 

   Atsushi never knew tea was this good! Of course he didn’t know tea existed until now but that’s besides the point. He hoped he would be able to taste more tea in the future. Atsushi tried, but failed, to hide a smile behind his cup, missing the responding smiles of relief from the other men in the room. He curled into himself as far as he could, this time it was out of an unfamiliar warm feeling in his chest. Maybe it was just the tea, who knows?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you guys wanted more ADA x Atsushi interactions! It will still be a bit but I promise he will talk with them! And Akutagawa will be in the fic I swear please don't come for me haha. I know lots of you wanted Fukuzawa and Atsushi soft moments? Or him being a fatherly figure, do not worry is all imma say :^)  
> Also I know this chapter is short but the next one will be longer aaaand there will actually be some progress okayyy D:  
> Thanks for the kudos, comments, hits, everything!! Over 6k hits that is just insane and 260 kudos?? I love you all thank you for reading this haha, as always suggestions and comments are appreciated! If you want anything to happen tell me and just maybe I will add it ;PP


	14. Pretender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellllllooo back from a mini break, not really, it hasn't been that long. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

“You ready?”

   Atsushi nodded, yawning in the process, and with that, they were off to return to Chuuya’s home. Dazai was a bit too excited to be in the passenger's seat, but Atsushi didn’t mind sitting in the back. He was utterly exhausted from everything that happened in the day. They left not too long after tea, promising to return once Atsushi was more comfortable with it or when his ability appeared. He wondered what it would be like. What if his ability was super dangerous and he hurt everyone? Atsushi didn’t think he could handle the guilt. He was trying to trust Dazai’s ability to stop him if the worst happened. 

   They drove in silence, except for Dazai’s singing and Chuuya telling him to shut up. Atsushi was looking out the window the whole time, taking in the city before him. It was getting closer to night so the sun was setting and casting a lovely shade of red, orange and pink over the area. Atsushi may or may not have asked what the sun was earlier, and he may or may not have gotten a few gasps of surprise in response, along with a not hidden anger growing in the air. He doesn’t quite understand the sun yet, but he knows the name and that’s good enough for him. When Chuuya got Atsushi out of the orphanage, he was too panicked and shocked to really take in the outside world. Of course, the feeling of seeing grass for the first time was something he would never forget. The world is so big and colourful. Everything is new to him, it was scary but he also wanted to know more. He wanted to know what else he has missed out on, clearly a lot of basic knowledge, but it’s scary at the same time. Dazai pointed out a few birds flying over them and couldn’t help but smile at Atsushi’s captivated reaction. 

“H-How is it i-in the air?”

   Dazai giggled, fully expecting Atsushi to ask about the birds.

“Well Atsushi, their bones are light and hollow, their feathers are light and their wings are perfect shape for catching the air.”

   Atsushi didn’t understand the explanation but it was still fascinating, that something could be light enough to fly in the air. He wondered how nice it would be if he could fly, fly away from everything and be free in the air. 

“Atsushi~ Do you want to learn more about animals when we get back to the house?”

“A-Ah! If you don’t.. i-if you don’t mind…”

“Of course not! I can show you what a chihuahua is, oh wait, Chuuya here already is one!”

“You fucking bastard what did you say?!”

     Atsushi tuned their growing arguments out, too excited to learn later. He hoped he wasn’t a burden, though that’s probably wishful thinking. They would be taking the time out of their day to teach his pathetic self about things everyone else knows already. How conflicting can his feelings get? Atsushi curled up in his blanket and pressed against the window. Lost in his thoughts, sleep soon took over him.

 

**Chuuya’s POV**

 

    Atsushi had fallen asleep in the backseat, curled up against the window. The position looked uncomfortable but it didn’t seem to bother him at all. The rest of the drive was quiet, both Chuuya and Dazai not wanting to wake up Atsushi. Chuuya wouldn’t deny that he was nervous to take care of a kid. Sure, Atsushi is around 16-17, but he has no education and has never been outside before, so it’s basically like raising a kid. If anyone expected Chuuya to know what to do, they needed to rethink their entire life. They would start small, teaching him little bits while working on getting him to a healthy weight. That should be good right? He was definitely going to search the entire internet later in the evening for more information.

   They arrived at Chuuya’s house, the same one from earlier. Atsushi would probably not want to be in a different safe house for the time being. Chuuya was tempted to force Dazai into carrying the boy, but didn’t trust him to do it safely. So, that’s how he ended up carrying Atsushi bridal style into the house, and settling him on the bed.

“So much for teaching him things when we get back.”

“That can wait until he’s up, he deserves the rest.”

“Softie.”

“Shut up.”

   They quietly walked back to the living room, settling on the couch. Dazai wasn’t being annoying for once and Chuuya didn’t know how to feel about it. Maybe he dragged an imposter back with him? He was a bit relieved he wasn’t acting as usual though. Shit, maybe he really is turning into a softie. It’s Dazai’s fault, he doesn’t know how but it’s definitely his fault. Chuuya let out a heavy sigh and went to pour himself some wine, he could use the release. 

“I’m pissed.”

“Aren’t you always pissed? You’re an angry chihuahua 99% of the day.”

“That is so not true, but I don’t have the energy to argue with you right now Dazai. I hate that the Headmaster escaped. I want to search every inch of the city until I find him and then I’m gonna rip all the bones out of his body. But I can't leave Atsushi alone, he needs someone and I think he’s starting to trust me, or us. Fuck.”

   Chuuya isn’t one to vent his feelings normally, in fact he hates doing so, especially to Dazai. He hates giving him the satisfaction. It’s not like he doesn’t care for the other man, he just hates that he does. Chuuya let’s out another sigh and sinks further in to the couch. He doesn’t even remember sitting down beside Dazai. When did they start to cuddle on the couch? He probably seems so out of it right now.

“I know and we will find him my dear, I want to hunt him down as much as you do. We need to put Atsushi first though, he won’t be impossible to find. Atsushi needs us and you’re already doing amazing. The kid was terrified to speak without permission but he is responding freely to us, which is amazing in itself. Of course it’s just us so far, and of course there’s loads of other things we need to work on. But I’m here for you, as much as you despise the help, you know you need me. You’re gonna do the best you can and that’s enough yeah?”

“I hate when you’re right..”

“You admit I’m right!”

“Just this once bastard, don’t get used to it… but thanks.. I guess.”

“Mm~ Anytime darling.”

   Dazai pulled out his classic knowing smirk. Moments like this are rare but special for the both of them. Yet as much as he wished they could stay there for the rest of the night, life wasn't fair, and the sounds of a few crashes, bangs, and whimpers came from Atsushi’s room.

   Chuuya didn’t waste any time rushing over to the room and softly opening the door. Inside was Atsushi crouched in the corner like a pained animal. His eyes shot open as he was cradling his ears and rocking back and forth with his knees up defensively to his chest. Tears were overflowing and running down his face. Chuuya tried to reach out to the boy but was met with choked sobs and a violent flinch. Atsushi’s eyes were dazed, whatever happened, still seemed to be happening in his mind. It was heartbreaking to watch and Chuuya wanted to comfort him, but he couldn’t. Atsushi was scratching his neck again, something he seemed to do whenever he’s stressed or scared. He leaned a bit closer to try and hear the mumbles, but not too much as to frighten the boy.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I made you this way I’m sorry.. please I’m sorry I-I didn’t mean to.. I was good today right? I was a good boy I’m sorry please don’t punish me I didn’t mean to.. I’m sorry..”

   Unable to respond to that, Chuuya sat there quietly, trying to process the words. Dazai seemed to be doing the same and took the initiative of speaking first.

“Atsushi?”

  Silence except for his pained crying.

“Atsushi can you hear me?”

  Atsushi opened his mouth to speak, but seemed to think better of it and simply nodded instead.

“Can you try and breathe with me? Take your time okay? Count slowly to 10 with me okay?”

   Atsushi struggled to breathe at first, which was understandable, he was having a panic attack after all. It took multiple tries but eventually his breathing got slower and he seemed to come back to reality a bit more.

“Concentrate on breathing, stay in the present. You’re okay, you aren’t there anymore and they can’t hurt you. My words may seem empty, but I do not lie, you are safe here..”

   Dazai is surprisingly good at getting people out of a panic attack, for someone who has murdered many people in the past, his presence can be quite comforting when it needs to be. Chuuya feels helpless but he knows that he couldn’t do much anyways. He trusts Dazai to help Atsushi here, even though the man has lied on many occasions, he’s smart enough to not bring that up right now.

   Chuuya doesn’t know how long it was until Atsushi calmed down enough to talk, he was sat in silence while Dazai kept talking to soothe and reassure him. He didn’t want to ask Atsushi what triggered him, but he was curious and worried like no tomorrow.

“Are you calmed down more? Can I get you anything?”

“I.. I-I’m not worthy o-of such kindness sir..”

   This time it was Chuuya who stepped up. He was angry at the Headmaster, the person who manipulated and moulded Atsushi’s mind into something so self degrading and believed terrible things about himself. He slowly leaned towards the boy and went closer into his space. Atsushi flinched slightly, so Chuuya settled for close, but not too close.

“Yes, Atsushi. You  _ are _ worth it, to me, Dazai, Yosano, Fukuzawa. I know once you meet the others in the Agency they will love you as well. If you haven’t made us act the way you expect yet, then you won’t ever. I can imagine all sorts of things that happened to you, and I can tell you right now that all those fuckers were wrong. It’s not even up for discussion. The Headmaster was wrong and so is every little thought he put into your head, same with those dicks of clients. You’re not worthless, you’re not a bad person, you’re not weak or anything like that. You’ve got something beautiful inside you, an amazing and good heart. You’re so strong to still be here, you can do so many great things for the world one day, I know you can. Dazai and I will always be here for you from now on okay? And you don’t need to call me sir.”

   Chuuya is honestly considering becoming a motivational speaker at this point. Atsushi was sat staring up at him with complete shock and disbelief, but the tears told him all he needed to know. He seemed to be having an internal battle of whether to believe the words or not.

“You don’t have to believe my words right now, but I will make sure to prove them to you every single day.”

“I… T-Thank y-you..”

   Chuuya smiled at that. Ignoring the look on Dazai’s face of course. He didn’t care how dopey and cheesy he sounds right now. Atsushi was trying to trust them and that was more than he could ever ask for.

 

**Atsushi’s POV**

 

_    It was his first client again. Atsushi doesn’t know the name, just Master. He could sit there for hours and tear up his hole, degrade and humiliate him until he was bleeding and exhausted. Only then would he finally take him, so Atsushi would know he only did that to hurt him. It was in moments like those that he was so used and broken, with his Master grunting above him, that Atsushi felt the shame and nastiness of everything that happened. That he understood how disgusting and cruel everything had become, and especially how disgusting he became.  _

_    The pain and filth from everything that’s happened to him, seeps into the broken pieces of him and stays to rot. His body is disgusting and weak, he could never fight back. How could he? His own body betrays him every time.  _

_    By the time he was 15, a few months before his birthday and when Chuuya showed up, he had forgotten many things; what if felt like to be warm, to have a full stomach, the feeling of wearing proper clothes. He even forgot what his own voice sounded like most days. After all, he only needed it to pleasure clients with by the sound of his pained noises. Or what it felt like to not be aching constantly all over his entire body.  _

_    And if that wasn’t enough, the Headmaster decided he needed to lose a little more. _

_ “You’ve lost your toilet privileges.” _

_    The Headmaster told him one morning. Atsushi was silent, of course, tied to the bed and naked, ready to be used whenever. The feeling of a collar and cuffs on him were as familiar as breathing. _

_ “Why master?” _

_ “Because a little cock slut who turns honest, married men, into a gay man and have the wife not able to fulfill their needs anymore, doesn’t deserve to use a toilet. Don’t think your recent client didn’t tell me anything. Are you proud of yourself? You’re turning men gay and making them leave their wives you disgusting animal.” _

_ “I-I-I’m sorry.. I-I didn’t mean t-to-“ _

_    Atsushi choked out a sob when a palm struck his cheek. He knew he ruined his client’s lives. He really didn’t mean to make them like that, he didn’t mean to be a bad toy, he doesn’t want to be a bad pet. He’s so pathetic. _

_ “Shut up. You’ll use a bucket now. Better not make a mess or you can clean it up with your tongue.” _

_ “I-I.. B-But.. I couldn’t…” _

_ “You can and you will. I don’t want to waste all my time on a whore like you, so get on with it.” _

_    He really needed to go. Atsushi felt bad enough for making him waste his time, maybe the bucket is better than the hole he usually used, for something as disgusting as him. A bucket makes him feel like a pet, and that’s exactly what he is. Hesitantly he turned his face away and began to release himself in the bucket. The sound of the liquid trickling down filled the room. It was embarrassing, he’s been through worse though.  _

_ “Look at you, pissing in a bucket like a goddamn dog. You really are filthy. I wouldn’t ever keep something like you if you didn’t make me lots of money. Remember your worth, it’s absolutely nonexistent outside of being a toy. You don’t own anything, you exist to please others.” _

_    When he finished releasing himself, Atsushi let out a sigh. His relievement didn’t last long since the Headmaster then dumped the bucket of piss all over him. The pungent smell soaked the sheets and his hair. He was covered and it was disgusting and humiliating. _

_ “Request from a client yes? Feel free to lick it clean if you would like, but don’t think that means you won’t be covered again later, you slut.” _

 

_ —-- _

 

“Atsushi?”

_    Nonono. Not again.. He’s back? Not even a few hours after he got dumped, the Headmaster paid him a visit before his client. Atsushi slipped up and spoke without being spoken to, asking if he could eat, it had been over 3 days. He received an enema of boiling water in return. A punishment he didn’t get often, unless the Headmaster was having a really bad day. _

  Atsushi shuddered and backed away from the voice in the present. His hole couldn’t take anymore, he needed to get through the client’s session somehow. He choked out a painful sob.

_    He remembered the agony of the water flowing inside him and burning his insides, tearing his hole. He tried to run, to hide, anything to get away but he couldn’t. The leash attached to him stopped his movements. The Headmaster had grabbed hold of it somewhere along the line, and was now enjoying yanking on it whenever Atsushi moved too much. Atsushi noticed him jerking off to the sight, and the sound of his painful pleading and sobs. He was forced to stay on the bed, not being able to move, having to take the pain. All while the Headmaster called him a good boy for taking it so well. _

_    When the water all leaked out of his body, Atsushi simply laid there, shaking from the humiliation and pain, too weak to move. He wasn’t allowed to pass out so he simply stared ahead, wishing he could be somewhere else, wishing the world was different, wishing he wasn’t alone. _

“Atsushi can you hear me?”

   Who is talking? He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t breathe. The memories and pain were still real and vivid in his mind. He was shaking uncontrollably and he felt the familiar sting on his neck, the only thing telling him it was just a dream. He nodded slowly at the voice, too afraid to speak, just in case he was still at the orphanage. His body couldn’t take it again. Flashbacks of the session afterwards were beginning to surface.

“Can you try and breathe with me? Take your time okay? Count slowly to 10 with me okay?”

   Breathe? That might be a good thing to do. He forgot to breathe in all honesty. So, Atsushi tried his best and listened to the voice. It took a few tries, maybe more, but his breathing soon slowed enough to not die of a heart attack right there and then. He was scared, he knew he was shaking, scratching his neck. The feeling of a bare neck made him uneasy.

“Concentrate on breathing, stay in the present. You’re okay, you aren’t there anymore and they can’t hurt you. My words may seem empty, but I do not lie, you are safe here..”

   The voice was soothing.. calming. Atsushi was still dazed and out of it, but he’s gotten his breathing under control. Sort of. The exhaustion hitting him more now that he’s calmed down a bit. The voice said he’s safe. Chuuya? No..  was it Dazai? He recognized the voice. Oh right. He fell asleep in the car. Did they bring him in the room? He probably woke them up didn’t he. They wasted so much energy on him. God, he’s so stupid, he needs to make it up to them somehow.

“Are you calmed down more? Can I get you anything?”

“I.. I-I’m not worthy o-of such kindness sir..”

   And he wasn’t, he had a breakdown again, wasted their time. He doesn’t deserve their kindness. Atsushi could tell that Chuuya was in the room, he could just feel the anger growing off the short man. His first instinct was that he did something wrong, but if his past experiences told him anything, he would have gotten hit by now. Chuuya and Dazai have not hit him yet, so maybe Atsushi will be okay for a bit. Though they are bound to do it eventually, I mean, why wouldn’t they?

“Yes, Atsushi. You  _ are _ worth it, to me, Dazai, Yosano, Fukuzawa. I know once you meet the others in the Agency they will love you as well. If you haven’t made as act the way you expect yet, then you won’t ever. I can imagine all sorts of things that happened to you, and I can tell you right know that all those fuckers were wrong. It’s not even up for discussion. The Headmaster was wrong and so is every little thought he put into your head, same with those dicks of clients. You’re not worthless, you’re not a bad person, you’re not weak or anything like that. You’ve got something beautiful inside you, an amazing and good heart. You’re so strong to still be here, you can do so many great things for the world one day, I know you can. Dazai and I will always be here for you from now on okay? And you don’t need to call me sir.”

   Atsushi couldn't stop the tears that were slipping down his cheeks, yet he still tried to wipe them away. He couldn’t believe the amazing, terrible things Chuuya was saying. He had to be wrong. If he was right.. then everything Atsushi knew would be a lie, everything he grew accustomed and comfortable in believing. If that were the case, Atsushi wouldn’t know who he is anymore. Who is he outside of being a toy? He’s a nobody, he’s never gotten to experience anything else. It was safe in the orphanage. He had food, shelter, showers, and the same environment. Sure to most people it’s considered hell and absolutely awful, except the client’s of course. But to Atsushi, it was somewhere familiar, he always knew what to expect there, as much as he wanted to end his life or go somewhere else because of it, it was all he had. Of course he’s grateful to Chuuya and Dazai. They have done so much for something like him. He’s just so scared to believe them, yet he really wants to. Atsushi wants to see the good in people, he wants to believe there are good people in this world. Maybe he can start with them? 

“You don’t have to believe my words right now, but I will make sure to prove them to you every single day.”

“I… T-Thank y-you..”

   Chuuya seemed satisfied, and sat back on the ground. The two men weren’t moving closer to him, and Atsushi assumes that it’s because he acted out during his breakdown. He’s so stupid, he should have been quiet, he has nightmares all the time he should be used to it by now. He should be over it all.

“Hey Atsushi? Want to have a snack or something? I don’t think any of us will be sleeping tonight so we can hangout in the living room if you want?”

“R-Really?”

   He quickly clasped his hand over his mouth. Wait, he’s allowed to talk here. But he made them waste their time on him, what if they take it away? Annoying pets don’t deserve to speak, in general they don’t. Yes, they should take it away, indeed, he doesn’t deserve to speak.

“Atsushi it’s okay, we won’t get mad at you for talking, ever, no matter what happens.”

   Can Dazai read his mind? He isn’t speaking out loud right now right? Atsushi was visibly confused and Dazai only chuckled in response. The man baffles Atsushi, but he did get him out of the panic attack. He owes Dazai now. Atsushi began to crawl towards the door. Usually he wouldn’t since he would be punished on the spot, maybe he’s secretly hoping to be punished. If he’s not getting hit, used and restrained then Atsushi doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“Atsushi.”

“Y-Yes?”

“You need to start practicing how to walk again. You can’t keep crawling, it’s inhuman.”

   Is it? Atsushi knows how Chuuya feels about him crawling, they have discussed it before as well. He can’t just up and walk though, it’s been around 6 years since he’s last done it, his legs are useless. Atsushi is a bit nervous to walk anyways, he doesn’t deserve it. People can tell him otherwise but he just can’t believe it. It feels wrong to be at eye level of people more worthy than him. Have you ever seen a dog walk? No. Atsushi has never seen an actual dog before, but he has been called one countless times, so he’s pretty much an expert at this point.

“Shall I carry you then?”

   Atsushi’s ears perked up at that, if it was even possible with human ears. Chuuya gave up easily, maybe he realized that he truly didn’t need to luxury of walking. Atsushi liked when Chuuya carried him, it made him feel safe, he smelled nice too. Chuuya was the first person to touch him without bad intentions, ever.

“Okay, open your arms for me?”

   A question. As if Atsushi had the right to decide anyways, he never did. He nodded just to give Chuuya the satisfaction though. Atsushi was carried in an almost bridal style position, except he clung around Chuuya’s neck this time. He was too drained to care about the possible consequences. Until he actually got hit again, maybe he would take advantage of their kindness. He fully expected to get punished one of these days, he knew how annoying and stupid he could get. Chuuya and Dazai would be good people until then, they’ve proved him wrong so far. 

“Hmmm, Dazai can you make Atsushi a bowl of cereal? Maybe some yogurt too, and a glass of orange juice. Or milk, or water. Get hi-“

“Darling, he can't have too much at once right? Calm your motherly instincts and I’ll bring over some food okay?”

“Tsk. Don’t take too long.”

“Sorry about that, I don’t exactly know what I'm doing here, I need to do research on this kind of thing, but can you eat what Dazai gives you for now?”

“I-I guess..”

   Chuuya had listed tons of food that he didn’t know existed. The list had more food than Atsushi ate over the course a week it seemed. Chuuya sat down on the couch, and tried to pry Atsushi off of him, but he wouldn’t budge. He didn’t want to leave Chuuya’s side, what if something horrible happened? What if this nice, caring side disappeared? Chuuya makes him feel safe and he has never felt safe in his life. Maybe he would even be okay if Chuuya hit him, it would be from Chuuya after all. He would surely do it out of love. Atsushi didn’t care how much his thoughts contradict themselves sometimes, or how they jump around like crazy, or completely switch opinions in the span of a minute. This is how it’s always been. His thoughts are always a confusing mess.

   Dazai came back with a bowl of ‘cereal’, and a glass of whatever it was. He didn’t want to leave the warmness that was Chuuya’s neck, but he had to in order to eat. With a pout on his face, he accepted the bowl from Dazai, who set the glass down on the table in front of the couch.

“T-Thank you… um.. h-how do I..?”

“Oh! You’ve never used a spoon before?”

“N-No..”

“Well it’s easy, just hold it like this, and then do this. Pretty simple right?”

   Dazai demonstrated how to eat with a spoon, and Atsushi tried himself. He definitely didn’t drop the spoon into the bowl and definitely didn’t drop it on the floor to follow. He got the hang of it and started eating cereal, it was strange. Crunchy and sweet, it was a weird shape too, but it tasted so much better than the usual porridge. He brought the bowl closer to his chest and leaned back onto Chuuya. If the man was bothered that he was practically sitting on his lap, he didn’t speak up.

“Y-You know.. I-I-I might have already said this before.. s-sorry if I-I have.. I used t-to only have porridge there.. even.. at home.. I-I barely remember now.. m-my last memory was t-the day I-I left.. my.. my dad-“

   Atsushi choked up another sob, he had finished most of his cereal and wanted to talk. He’s never talked about anything before, never opened up. He doesn’t know why he’s doing it now, he wants to trust the two other men so bad, he’s scared, and he expects to get hurt after all of this like he usually does, but maybe it won’t be so bad until then.

“You don’t have to talk if it’s too difficult for you Atsushi.”

“N-No.. I.. I want to.. sure I’m scared.. b-but I want to believe y-you guys are good people… A-Anyways.. um.. so my dad.. h-he never liked me much.. I was.. around 9-10 when I got put into the o-orphanage? Memories are hazy.. but that day he.. h-he tried t-t-to drown m-me in the t-tub..  I tried to hug my mother.. a-and she hated that.. I-I am so repulsive I-I don’t blame her.. I read about it i-in a book and got curious.. I was s-so stupid.. I must have passed out i-in the water and next thing I-I knew.. I-I was awake.. in a room with t-the Headmaster.. basically naked.. my dad a-always hit me.. but nothing was.. was.. the orphanage was worse.. t-the day I got there.. I-I never walked again.. if-if I tried to.. I got punished.. it was.. I was always.. so scared.. I don’t.. t-t-the Headmaster gave me shelter.. food.. shouldn’t I-I-I be grateful? I hated that place.. I’m glad i’m out.. b-but I’m so scared..”

   Atsushi was rambling on, becoming hysterical by the minute. Chuuya had removed the bowl from him and tucked him into his chest, stroking his hair. Atsushi cried into his shirt, he felt a bit relieved he opened up, even just a bit. He didn’t know if he could ever talk about the things that happened to him, but maybe one day he would.

“It’s okay Atsushi, thank you for trusting us and telling us this, it means a lot and I am proud of you. Sure, the Headmaster gave you shelter and food, but he rarely fed you, and I bet you anything that what happened to you wasn’t worth the shelter and everything else. You were forced there and hurt every day, that doesn’t make you obligated to be grateful to him okay? You’re out now, you have shelter and more food than you could ever wish for here, and we aren’t asking anything okay? I’m so sorry all that happened to you, your parents were assholes and not how parents should act. Thank you again for opening up though.”

   Atsushi sniffled. Chuuya was proud of him? He looked over and saw Dazai nodded as well, agreeing with the statement. He flushed and hid back into Chuuya’s chest. He doesn’t know how to respond to these kind of things. Maybe he’s right, but he still can’t stop the guilt that’s lingering. He read in a book once that only time can heal wounds, he secretly hoped it was right.

“Here drink some of the orange juice.”

“O-Orange juice?”

“Yes, it’s really good for your body and it tastes great, I even got you a straw, you just suck through it and the liquid comes out.”

“Thanks..”

   Dazai appeared to give him the glass, it made sense, Chuuya had a crying Atsushi on his lap and no free hands. Atsushi accepted it, not commenting on how similar a straw seemed to be compared to a client’s member. He tried not to think about it too much. The juice made his face scrunch up all weird at first, which made the two men giggle. Other than that, it indeed tasted delicious and he finished the whole glass. Chuuya was still combing through his hair and it was the most gentle touch he’s ever received on his hair. It made him smile and he felt warm inside. It wasn’t a mistake to open up, to talk without being told. The back of his mind was still scared of the future consequences for it, but for now, he snuggled up into Chuuya and drifted off to sleep, not scared and alone for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of things to say here! First hi , hello, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I planned a fully soft chapter at first and somehow it became this.. curse my brain. Also NO Chuuya and Atsushi are not a ship or anything, if that wasn't obvious I just wanted to clarify. I know lots of you want more Dazai x Atsushi interactions, but in this fic Chuuya is Atsushi's Dazai,,, does that make sense? Basically since Chuuya was the one who saved him, he trusts him more but he still trusts Dazai.. don't be mad at me pls.  
> I said this fic was gonna take a slow turn, I meant it! Recovery and literally anything like that takes a lot of time, I could skim through but I don't want to? Some parts may be boring because of it but I hope it's not too bad! I do not wanna half ass anything aha.  
> Okay I am gonna gooo and stop filling up the notes, thank you for reading as usual! This fic has hit 300 kudos and I'm crying it makes me so happy D: Love you all < 3


	15. Undead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws this short but semi soft chapter at you and runs away* >.< I know it has been a while since I updated! Sorryyyy I haven't been that motivated to write honestly :(( I hope you enjoy the chapter! Even if it is shorter than usual D:

“I-I can't!”

“Yes you can Atsushi, you just need to keep practicing.”

“It-It’s useless.. I’m.. I’m so pathetic I-I can't even walk.”

   Atsushi collapsed to the ground with a sob after attempting to walk for the 10th time that morning. He has the determination to walk, but he can't. His legs won't move and it's frustrating. Even his body thinks he shouldn't act like anything other than a dog. Poor Dazai has to deal with his emotional self, so that guilt topped it all off.

“No Atsushi, you haven't walked in 6 years, anybody else would be struggling as well, it's a process okay? We will work on it every day and you'll be walking in no time. You have to believe you can as well okay? Can you try that for me?”

   He whined but nodded regardless, shakily standing up on his legs. Standing still was something he could do, just not for longer than 10 minutes. Dazai said it's because the muscles in his legs are so weak and not used to being used, that it will come back to him in due time. Personally, Atsushi was just fine with crawling around, apparently it wasn't humane so here he was. It was pointless to argue with the two older men, they certainly were stubborn, that's for sure. 

“Hnngh.”

   Atsushi grunted as he tried to get his legs to do what legs were supposed to do. He had worked up quite a sweat trying to do something as common as walk. People really overlooked how lucky they were to be able to move without problems. One step forward was all it took for him to go down on the floor again.

“It won't happen in a day, but you're doing so good right now and I’m proud of you Atsushi.”

  Atsushi hid his blush at the praise behind his hands. He doubted he would ever get used to being praised for something unrelated with sex. Glancing at Dazai from between his fingers, a familiar feeling started coming on in his lower region. He needed the washroom. Was he allowed to use it? At the orphanage he could list the times he used the toilet like an actual person, on a single hand. He began to fidget, unsure whether to ask or not now.

“What is it?”

“I-I-I need-need to.. use t-the.. toilet..”

    He blushed furiously, wondering if Dazai would react like his clients did, which was to make him piss on the floor right there and then.

“Sure thing, it's just this way, want me to carry you?”

“No-No! It-It’s okay..”

   Dazai didn't need to know how nervous he was over using the  _ bathroom _ . Since ‘normal people’ didn't act like this. He crawled behind the man, knowing full well the other hated when he did so. Atsushi was also a stubborn person, apparently.

“Here it is, just call if you need okay? You can also use the restroom whenever you need, just don't go in when the door is closed.”

   Atsushi didn't know bathrooms with doors existed, well, he did, but the fact he was allowed inside one without being supervised was a crazy thought. He slowly looked around before heading inside. Dazai shut the door behind him, though he didn't leave as Atsushi didn't hear him walk away. So, sort of with supervision then. He tried not to dwell too much on his disappointment, it was only to be expected. Shaking his head, he went to where the toilet was. After he finished relieving himself, which was a process since he has not worn proper pants before, he went to the sink. Maybe he'll do some more practicing here, while he's alone. If anybody saw him, he would look like a newborn baby trying to take their first steps. His hands were gripped onto the sink and he heaved himself up, only to gasp in an almost scream and fall backwards, shaking and panting at the sight before him. Dazai rushed in hearing the commotion.

“Atsushi? Are you okay what happened?!”

“T-T-The..”

   He pointed a shaky finger at the object above the sink.

“The mirror?”

“M-Mirror?”

“Wait. Atsushi.. have you not seen your reflection before?”

   Atsushi simply stared at him with scared, fearful eyes. He shook his head no, there was nothing called a mirror at the orphanage, and he didn't have that privilege at home. The only thing he has seen of himself, was the one picture that was taken of his back, when he got the word ‘whore’ carved into him. 

“Hey hey shhh, it's nothing to be afraid of. The scientific definition of a mirror image is a reflected duplication of an object that appears almost identical, but is reversed in the direction perpendicular to the mirror surface. So to put it in a way that makes sense to you, is that basically what's inside the mirror is a copy of yourself, and it's what you look like. It sounds confusing and complicated I bet, it's something lots of people don't understand but just accept. I can bring the mirror more to the ground if you want to spend some time alone with it?”

“Y..Okay..”

   Atsushi watched from the floor as Dazai brought mirror down to his level, the man gave him a sad smile and left the room once more. He jumped back when his eyes met another pair of eyes. The explanation he got didn't make sense, as expected. It was a weird feeling, seeing yourself for the first time. He looked scrawny, the bones on him visible and his clothes hung loosely from him. Atsushi’s silver/gray hair was choppy and messy, showing the lack of care to it. What most shocked him, were his purple and gold eyes. He knew the clients liked his eyes, but he never knew what was special about them. It was like an ocean of just those two colours, they complimented each other so nicely, and on himself. He understood why he was a favourite at the orphanage now. 

   Atsushi must have spent a long time in the restroom staring at himself, since both of the men came to check on him, not just Dazai. Chuuya spoke first.

“You okay kid?”

“Y-Yeah.. just.. it's weird..”

“I assume seeing yourself the first time is strange, I don't remember my first time though. Here look at this.”

   Chuuya sat down beside him, in front of the mirror and began to stick his tongue out and pull his cheeks in funny ways. It looked ridiculous but it made him chuckle a bit. The mirror version copied everything Chuuya did and he watched in awe.

“C-Chuuya?”

“Yes?”

“Do y-you think.. t-there's people in-in the mirror? Are t-they lonely?”

“Hmm.. that's one way to think of a reflection, why would they be lonely though?”

“Because.. t-they.. would be t-trapped there right? It.. It’s l-lonely..”

“You really are a good person Atsushi.”

   Atsushi didn't catch the last thing Chuuya said, but he caught the semi surprised looks the two men had at his words. He did wonder if the reflection was a person like them, just trapped in a different world. Maybe they felt like he did, trapped and alone, nowhere to escape to. A cough brought him out of his thoughts, guess he had been zoning out.

“You have been here for quite a while, want to eat some food?”

“I-I guess..”

   Dazai has mentioned that his body won't show signs of hunger for a bit, until he's more used to food, and then he will be insanely hungry no matter how much he eats. Supposedly it's a long process to get someone out of starvation mode. Atsushi could only trust the others judgment on when to eat or not. He gave one last look at the mirror and crawled over to the men, ignoring their sad eyes as he did so. Atsushi felt guilty making them upset by crawling, but he couldn't walk yet and he didn't want to burden them to carry him all the time.

“Hmmm. Want some yogurt and berries? That should be easy on your stomach I hope.”

“O-Okay..”

   Chuuya went to get the food and Atsushi was left sitting on the floor wondering what to do. Dazai had sat on the chairs and seemed to forget that Atsushi wouldn't go up on his own. It would be rude to assume he can sit down on the chairs whenever he felt like it after all. 

“Come sit up here Atsushi.”

“T-Thank y-you..”

   There was a strange atmosphere in Chuuya’s house. It had been around 4 days since they came back from the Agency, every day was a challenge. Not a single night went by when he wasn't plagued by nightmares. Chuuya and Dazai were there every time though, it helped a lot, but he felt guilty. His problems were such a burden to them, they always assured him that it was okay, they didn't mind, but his doubt always came back. Dazai and Atsushi has grown a bit closer as well, he talked to him about all sorts of things, taught him basic things about the world, certain words he didn't know, what all the furniture was and such. Dazai was like his teacher and Chuuya the caretaker. He has to admit, it was refreshing, nice, and a good time here. It was, but he didn't deserve it. Atsushi knew that this wouldn't last, because he's a monster. Monsters like him didn't get happiness. The voices always floated around his head, reminding him that this could never last and they would realize they want him for his body as well, like everyone else. Atsushi prepared his body every morning just in case they change their mind, he couldn't be dirty.

“Here you go, simple yogurt with a banana cut up on top and raspberries. I didn't even know we had fruit, Dazai did you go shopping?”

“Chuuya dear, your fridge is always empty, of course I went shopping.”

“Tsk… thank you, just this once.”

   The so called banana was cut up evenly on top of the yogurt, it looked yummy, simple, but yummy, he wouldn't dare complain either. Atsushi took the spoon and hesitantly went for a bite, still trying to get used to utensils. The banana was soft and mushy, same with the yogurt, easy for him to eat.

“It-It’s good.. t-thank you..”

“I'm glad. Finish up and then we can all do something.. like watching tv or ooh! I can show you how to read! Or draw.. anything you want really.~”

   Dazai seemed to trail deep into thought so Atsushi nodded shyly in response. He didn't know what a tv was, or anything else. He was so unaware of the world and it frustrated him, like he missed out on everything normal people take for granted. Atsushi wanted to learn and know all of these things, but it's overwhelming and hard to suddenly do it all at once. Feeling guilty about everything, even talking is tiring, it still scared him to speak. Though with Dazai and Chuuya it's easier, he's already prepared himself for when they turn on him one day. Atsushi fidgeted with his hands, which turned into him flopping into them all together with a sigh.

“What's wrong?”

“It.. It's all so.. so.. I-I don't know t-the word.. it's j-just a lot..”

“Overwhelming? Yeah I imagine it is, Dazai and I will be here with you though okay? I know you still have your doubts and worries, that's okay, we don't mind and we know this will be a long process. It's okay, take things at your own pace yeah?”

“T-Thank yo-you…”

   He really didn't deserve them. They have been nothing but kind to him, and he's done nothing in return. Atsushi knew by now that wallowing in his self pity wouldn't get anywhere and the two men wouldn't stand for it, that's what late at nights were for. He usually ended up breaking down then. This made him sigh again, maybe he could ask more about birds? 

“I.. Actually.. can y-you.. show me about b-birds? And-And other.. t-things like them…”

“Animals? Of course! I will start now!”

  Atsushi nodded and watched as Dazai ran around the house to gather things. He quietly finished off his yogurt and handed the empty bowl to Chuuya during this time. The bandaged man came back pretty quickly.

“Okay! I need to tell you about plants first. They are a living thing that grows in the ground, usually has leaves or flowers, and needs sun, water, and more to survive. They take nutrients from the soil, or dirt, and take energy from the sun! They also release something called oxygen into the air, which is what we need to breathe. Anyways! Animals are living things. Like plants, animals need food and water to live. Unlike plants, which make their own food, animals feed themselves by eating plants or other animals.”

  Atsushi absorbed the information and it stuck in his mind, like he would never learn this again, he cherished it. As Dazai spoke, he was drawing examples for him, the thought made him so happy he might explode. He had no idea a tree was alive, and that they were the reason they could breathe basically. Dazai also drew him pictures of various animals, explaining what they were, how they lived and what they needed to survive. This information was all so fascinating to him and he never knew the world was so big. Apparently there's a huge body of water called an ocean that covers 71% of the Earth! He didn't know what 71% was, but according to Dazai it was more than half, which is a lot. He learnt that the Earth is well, called Earth, and that it's a planet. Honestly the information might actually break him, it's a lot to handle at once. Dazai must have seen this as well since he called it quits for the day.

“That was a lot! It's okay if you forget some things, we can do this as much as you want, okay? Just not all in one day.”

“T-Thank you-you.. so much.. I.. I don't deserve t-this yet I'm…”

   He felt tears at his eyes already, he was so grateful. Grateful that Dazai used his precious time to teach a mere toy all these wonderful things. Atsushi knew he didn't deserve it, yet he couldn't help but be a bit happy, and he hid his smile.

“Can I hug you?”

“Huh?! I.. y-you.. shouldn't bother ask-asking…”

“It's respectful to do so Atsushi, can I?”

“I… I.. I-I guess..”

   Atsushi didn't really like being touched, scratch that, he's never enjoyed being touched. Every touch has brought pain for him in the past, yet Dazai and Chuuya taught him what a hug was. As Dazai reached to hug him, he returned it and ended up crying in his shirt. What is it with him and crying in their shirts? He couldn't help but want more gentle touches like this, he knew it was impossible and surely they wouldn't be gentle forever, yet he couldn't stop the small bit of hope in him. Atsushi was scared of it to say the least. How odd.

 

**One week later**

 

   Atsushi was able to walk for short periods of time, though his pace was a bit slow and his legs wobbly. It was so strange being at eye level to everyone else. The voices always screamed at him whenever he walked around. He has also begun talking more, only around Dazai and Chuuya of course, but he was less scared of consequences when he did. Though he still prepared himself every morning, the two men haven't found out yet which is lucky for him, as he would surely get scolded. Things were changing, they might seem small to any other person, but they were huge for him. The nightmares didn't get better, and he lost control of himself often, he still had the same thoughts and voices, he just got better at hiding them. Atsushi felt bad lying to the others, but he knew they probably saw through him anyways. At times, he even let himself feel happy, feel a bit of hope even. He relished the feeling, scared it would be lost and turn to dust. It had only been a week and 5 days or so since he got out of the orphanage, the only reason he was ‘changing’ so fast was because he trusted Dazai and Chuuya. He wanted to believe they were good people and he was scared to let them down. Of course, all that got better was his walking, talking, and eating, it was still huge. Atsushi got praised often and it made him flush like an idiot. He hoped things could stay this simple forever, but that was wishful thinking. Life wasn't so simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.. I know the ending sucks.. I will make it up to you guys next chapter! I have something planned that I know you guys will like... and have been waiting for haha. Thank you all again for the comments, kudos, and hits! They mean the world and are a huge reason I still write this :( <3333


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